At this point, I'm tempted to dispense with eloquence. Yes, I stopped posting reviews for a while. Things were happening. For a time, anything other than takeout was banned in the state of Michigan. Currently, eating in a restaurant is legal - provided that it doesn't receive more than 70% of its gross receipts from alcohol sales. Yes, really. According to the state of Michigan, COVID-19 is only transmissible in an establishment with significant alcohol sales.
As what little remains of the classical liberal order (freedom of speech, commerce, private property) is under increasing assault from all sides, I'm forced to wonder: how long until there are no more onion rings? They are, as I have opined before, a beautiful example of spontaneous order, and the sheer lack of nutrition is a telling sign on the insane wealth we enjoy in the world today.
With that in mind, my one-year anniversary trip to Mackinac Island with The Wife prioritized locating and consuming a wildly unhealthy amount of onion rings. Also fudge. Also beer.
Anyway, here's a review of onion rings from Yankee Rebel Tavern on Mackinac Island.
Presentation and Appearance: (3/5)
I think I've become more jaded over time. The black plastic basket, which may have once aroused some bare excitement for not being red, seems sufficient, if banal. Indeed, even the fake newsprint (which may or may not be identical to all the other fake newsprint waxpaper I've seen onion rings plated on it) doesn't excite me. In its defense, it's better than nothing.
Color-wise, the onion rings are a solid golden brown, with a consistent shade all around. There are a handful of severely cracked rings, but they're mostly solid. The uniformity of the breading means one thing - frozen and machine made. Indeed, per the menu, these are "Brew City's beer battered best!," best being a dubious term indeed.
Taste: (1.5/5)
As is par for the course for any frozen onion ring, the batter is largely unseasoned and tasteless. I will give Yankee Rebel Tavern props for identifying the make of onion rings, so I can identify the ingredients list. Allegedly, these contain paprika (but just for color), onion powder, salt, sugar, and "spices." Perhaps Brew City subscribes to the as-of-yet unheard of homeopathic theory of seasoning, where they put minute portions of each spice into the onion ring in the hope that the flavors are mystically amplified.
At best, I can taste a hint of salt in the batter, lightly brushed with a delicate touch of grease. The onions are not that much better. What passes for onion juice is more like the onion flavor of La Croix - thin, watery, and largely flavorless. The onions are probably too thin, albeit cooked as well as they could be, to yield anything significant.
Texture: (3.5/5)
While there's little that frozen onion rings can do to improve their taste, texture is largely a result of preparation. In this case, they're prepared about as well as they can be, as the batter is smooth and with a fine crunch. That is, they are neither over- nor under-cooked, as evidenced by the lack of slippage and the connectivity of the onion and the batter.
The only mark against texture is the onions are just a bit too soft, perhaps weakening in structural integrity as they leak out their onion water onto my fake newspaper. This is probably the first time I've ever described an onion ring as "wet," but I honestly don't know what other word to use. It's like they made onion water, froze it, and let it thaw inside of the batter. I don't actually know how they make frozen food, but that sounds about right to me.
Value: (2/5)
On Mackinac Island, money loses much of its meaning. Given that everything has to be shipped to the island on a ferry or an airplane and then transported by horse and buggy (yes, really) to its final destination, and the fact that it's a hotbed of tourism, I'm willing to be somewhat more generous with gauging value than I usually am.
That said, $8 for a bowl of mid-sized platter of mediocre onion rings is pretty steep. They were as well made as they could be, and they were served piping hot, but they left me more disappointed than anything else.
Total: 10/20
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