I also just ran out of excuses and alternative uses of my time.
Incidentally, looking back on these reviews made me realize how much I miss the simple freedom to eat food at a restaurant without threat of imprisonment, and contemplate how many of the fine (and less-than-fine) eateries I've reviewed over the last three years will close their doors forever because of this.
Here's a review of the onion rings from Kitzingen Brewery in Wyoming, Michigan. Thanks to my wife and father-in-law for joining me.
Presentation and Appearance: 3/5
Despite being a German style brewery, these onion rings are plated as a slice of Americana - in a red plastic basket and atop a crisp sheet of wax paper. Ranch, another staple of American culture, rests precariously in a generous portion betwixt rings and basket.
The rings themselves are clearly hand-breaded, with a crisp golden brown color. I was pleasantly surprised to see spices and seasonings embedded into the batter, which is rarer than you might think, While hand-breading is generally a good sign for flavor, it's difficult to get a consistent coating on the batter. This remains true here, as much of the breading is patchy and filled with gaps.
Taste: 4/5
As foreshadowed above, these onion rings are surprisingly well seasoned. I say "surprisingly" not to knock Kitzingen Brewery, but to note how much this differs from the norm. Most are satisfied with naught but grease, and perhaps a pinch of salt, if they're feeling fancy.
These rings are well salted, true, but seasoned with something beyond that, providing a potent mix of beautiful flavor. The requisite grease is present too, but not in excess.
The onion taste is slightly more variable. When it work, they give off just enough onion juice and grease to come through in a buttery explosion of flavor. Unfortunately, some onion rings don't deliver the same magnitude of flavor, instead giving the weakness and pallor of a desiccated husk.
On the plus side, the ranch sauce was some of the best I've ever had, combining both sweetness and a tangy kick for unforgettable flavor, and undoubtedly enhancing and complementing the existing flavors of both batter and onion.
Texture: 4.5/5
There is something deeply human about the almost great. History, culture, and literature are filled with countless examples of things that approached glory and prestige, but couldn't quite hit the mark, with a tragic hamartia causing their fated downfall. These onion rings were inhibited by the hamartia of inconsistency, the hobgoblin of onion ring reviews.
Nowhere is this more apparent than in the texture. My initial bites led me to believe I had finally found a perfect texture in an onion ring. They deliver a mix of buttery, melt-in-your-mouth softness with enough of a crisp and a shape to maintain integrity and some crunch. The onion meshed together with the batter well, with enough softness to give flavor without devolving into an incoherent mash of greasy moisture.
I think the best word to describe them I found was chewy, which is not an attribute I traditionally associate with good onion rings. Yet here it worked.
Unfortunately, not every onion ring had this euphoric mix of buttery onion and chewy, melty batter. Though none were what I would call bad, a handful of rings failed to live up to the almost impossible standard of their forebears.
Value: 4/5
Onion rings are often an afterthought, for drunken fools to fill their bellies with greasy carbs and stave off their inevitable hangover. As such, most are bare bones and overpriced for the meager flavor they deliver. Here, and for only $5, a got a sizable basket of flavorful and hand-battered onion rings, with a terrific ranch sauce on the side.
Total: 15.5/20
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