Welcome to the second entry in the Sola Cepa one-year anniversary Mackinac Island onion ring extravaganza. The Wife, who I often say has the patience of a saint to put up with my fervent quest for onion ring glory literally anytime we travel anywhere, and I made a quick hop from the Yankee Rebel Tavern to our next destination, led by me staring at the Google Maps entry for "onion rings Mackinac Island" and wandering up and down the three or so streets that make up downtown Mackinac.
Disclaimer: The Wife wanted me to note that her cocktail flight (pictured behind the onion rings) was very, very good.
While cleansing my palate from the mediocrity of Yankee Rebel Tavern with a beer, I set in to continue the quest. Here is a review of onion rings from Great Turtle Brewery and Distillery.
Presentation and Appearance: (1.5/5)
Deja Vu, in the words of the great British poets Dave Murray and Steve Harris (better known as one of the guitarists and the bassist of Iron Maiden, respectively), is when "you know this has happened before," among other things. Ladies and gentlemen, in what is likely a first in my many years of reviewing onion rings, I am beyond a shadow of a doubt confident that these onion rings are the EXACT same frozen onion rings that I had eaten not an hour before.
That's right, the infamous "Brew City's beer battered best," as the menu at Yankee Rebel Tavern had described them, were on my plate yet again. Only this time, they were even worse. Served in a tangled mass of onion-kind on a plain white plate, mashed together haphazardly and with the numerous cracks and scars in the batter to prove it, these onion rings were somehow far worse despite likely coming from the same factory as the last.
The only slim notes in its favor are are relatively consistent coloring, though marred by overdone and blackened bits of flavorless onion sludge, and the heaping nature of the mound on the plate.
Taste: (0.5/5)
As noted previously, when using frozen onion rings, the only way to make any kind of improvement in either taste or texture is in the execution. These onion rings are a dramatic failure in execution, akin to how the Romans felt at the Battle of Cannae. The cracked batter is overdone, leeching what little flavor there would have been in the previously described homeopathic and measly blend of "paprika, onion powder, salt, sugar, and 'spices'." Even the bare hints of salt and grease that are present barely manage to make an impression.
Likewise, the onion taste is weak - even weaker than the onion La Croix of Yankee Rebel. I suspect that the combination of badly overdone rings and cracks in the batter led to the onion juices escaping their miserable cage for a chance at freedom, dashed hopelessly in the fryer. The only positive points I could possibly muster is that I managed to finish them, no doubt aided by the beer.
Texture: (1/5)
Even among bad onion rings, I find some solace in the experimental and the novel. Even if taste and texture aren't quite on track, I truly enjoy the experimentation. At least, I thought I did, until now. The texture of these onion rings have managed to delve into entirely unexplored horrors.
Simply put, they were oddly sticky, as though the onion juice melted through the overdone batter and merged into a paste from hell. As a result, the batter was extremely rigid, almost resembling a vaguely onion tasting candy devised by someone who hates flavor. They crunched, but not in a good way. Even though they're not truly burnt, they feel like it. The specks of onion hidden in the crevasse of batter were moderately juicy, albeit flavorless, and was the sole saving textural grace.
Value: (1/5)
This is probably the most scientific review I've ever done, as I had a direct and immediate comparison with the same brand of frozen onion rings at a restaurant a block away. For a plate of significantly worse onion rings (though somewhat larger in quantity), I paid the tidy sum of $10. Even for the already inflated prices of Mackinac Island, this is a ripoff - especially since the place a couple hundred feet away cost $2 fewer.
If they had been executed even remotely well, there might be a hint more value. Unfortunately, these are a complete waste of time, and among the worst onion rings I've ever had the displeasure to eat.
Total: 4/20
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