Atwater Brewery (Grand Rapids, MI)

The dramatic shifts in downtown environments brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic, and the trends that have persisted some three years past its inception, have had a marked impact on commercial real estate. There are so many restaurants, pubs, and bars that survive not by the quality of their offerings, but their relative proximity to people desperate for anything moderately quick and moderately hot. 

The Grand Rapids location of Atwater Brewery, a one-time staple of the Detroit craft beer scene that was acquired by Molson Coors in 2020, is one such instance. It's not a place I would ever make a deliberate trip for, and for good reason: it is middling in every sense of the word, one or two decent beers notwithstanding. 

And yet, when attending Acton University 2023 just across the street at DeVos Place, and beset by out-of-town friends insistent on checking out Beer City USA, it was the perfect locale. Also, they had onion rings. Thank you to Aaron and David for joining me. 

Here is a review of onion rings from the Grand Rapids location of Atwater Brewery. 

Presentation and Appearance: (2.5/5)

This side order of onion rings comes on a flat metal tray with the requisite wax paper bedding. Tucked between a moderately sized mound of onion rings is a plastic cup of ranch. Though the quasi-industrial presentation may be an intentional callback to the original home of Atwater, I kind of doubt it. 

By eyesight alone, one can see these are almost certainly the same frozen Brew City brand dreck of onion rings that proliferate among breweries, bars, and brewpubs alike throughout this once great land. The mostly uniform coating is the key giveaway, with the only variation coming from cracked rings brought about in their preparation. 

Taste: (1/5)

There is almost nothing I have left to say about this particular variety of frozen onion rings. They are, for the most part, hollow and tasteless, much like this subsidiary of Molson Coors masquerading as a genuine craft brewery. The miniscule circles of onion that make up the body of the ring technically have a taste, but it is so minute you would be forgiven for forgetting about it entirely. 

The breading is worse. Even the requisite grease and salt seems to drip off of the onion rings into the void, a memory of something long lost and almost forgotten. Even the ranch, so often the savior of bland onion rings, is nothing. A thin, watery gruel that mocks me as I eat it. 

Texture: (1.5/5)

Like the taste, the texture of these onion rings is a cruel imitation of what an onion ring ought to be, but the faux-facsimile is slightly more believable here. The breading, slightly overcooked, does have a slight crunch. The onions, on the other hand, are thin, wet, and stringy, having taken the brunt of the heat from the fryer. 

Slippage was rampant with these rings, and the key culprit was the overwhelming void betwixt onion and breading. Most of the volume of these onion rings is in the air between an underwhelming interior and a deceptive exterior: an apt metaphor for the state of the brewery. 

Value: (2/5)

The side order of onion rings cost $5, and the most charitable interpretation I can make of that is that it isn't as much of a gouge as it could be. Are they frozen? Yes. Are they tasteless and overcooked? Yes. Is there a moderately filling quantity that doesn't make me hate my life after paying for it? Yes. 

Total: (7/20)

Wahlburgers (Chain)

Much like wedding rings, onion rings bring people together. The past six years of Sola Cepa have provided myriad opportunities for connection with friends and family alike, and downtown Grand Rapids has been the site for dozens of such occasions. Years ago, when I was working in downtown Grand Rapids, the opening of a new restaurant that served onion rings was a remarkable occasion, one I monitored closely.

Unfortunately, after three years of working from home full-time, these sojourns to The Big City have become fewer and farther between, though not entirely absent. In this case, the opening of the Grand Rapids location of Wahlburgers, as well as The Wife being out of town, provided the opportunity to catch up with my good friend Eric over the sweet, circular goodness that is the onion ring.

Here is a review of onion rings from Wahlburgers. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

While the menu bills these as "Thin Crispy Onion Rings," I don't think I had grasped just how thin they would be. The overflowing heap of ribbon-thin onion rings snakes out of the wired basket, cascading and hypnotically swirling between the basket and the plate. They're among the thinnest onion rings I've ever seen, and are topped with green specks of herbs.

The breading is similarly thin, so much so that I wasn't entirely sure it existed on first glance. The plating has a certain elegance, with a metal (not plastic) basket atop a napkin atop a hefty plate, though the effect is somewhat diminished by the sheer volume of onion rings.

Taste: 3.5/5

I was initially highly suspicious of these onion rings, given the small size and thin batter, but the flavor profile was surprisingly refined. Most onion rings, if made properly, are designed to deliver big bursts of flavor - the thick cuts of juicy onion, well salted greasy batter, and so on.

These onion rings were of a more subtle and understated variety, with a delicate seasoning balance between salt, herb, and batter. The thin onion strands were predictably on the lighter side, but it was consistent with the taste of the batter in a way that made sense with the size. Unfortunately, my order was slightly over salted, threatening to swallow the ecosystem of flavor entirely.

The accompanying sauce did not complement the otherwise thoughtful taste, representing some sort of unholy vinegar and tomato fusion that wasn't quite ketchup and wasn't quite Thousand Island Dressing. I think a good sauce would have made significant steps to overcome the saltiness and overall dry profile, though application was difficult given the small size of the onion rings.

Texture: 2.5/5

It's truly a remarkable feat to fry onion strings this thin without burning them to a crisp, but Wahlburgers has done so. While there's little overall moisture in the dish (owing to the small cut of the onions), the crispy onion rings remain light and airy, with the delicate batter somehow holding its shape through cooking and eating. The textural profile is fundamentally dry, with almost no onion juices to speak of, which was unfortunately not remedied by the accompanying sauce. 

Unlike many of the other dry onion rings I've eaten in my time, I think these are intentionally devoid of moisture, and to that extent it was executed within its vision, though it was still ultimately lacking. 

Value: 3/5

These onion rings are truly not onion rings at all. They feel in large part like an over-engineered gourmet burger topping that was added to the sides menu as an afterthought. They don't really work as a side and can't quite stand up as an appetizer, but it was like nothing I've ever tasted before. For $3.50 it's pricy given the quantity of onion, but it brings something new and interesting to the table. 

Total: 13/20

River North Public House (Grand Rapids, MI)

My eternally gracious wife has come to terms with the fact that any given date night has the strong likelihood of being used as an excuse to review onion rings. Indeed, on the latest occasion, I undertook a robust comparative analysis to identify a restaurant that a) served onion rings; b) I had not reviewed, and; c) had a happy hour of sufficiently good value to warrant going out. 

While the amount of effort I exert in reviewing onion rings may seem exorbitant and unnecessary, I can assure you that it is all in pursuit of a higher goal. That is, Sola Cepa. The $1 PBR draft didn't hurt either. 

Here is a review of onion rings from River North Public House in Grand Rapids, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3/5)

Plated on a deep and dark blue plate, the onion rings are stacked in what some scholars might call a heap, if they were being generous. The plate, though striking, is far too big for the quantity of onion rings contained atop. Two separate dipping sauces (the radioactive orange "Honey Sriracha" and the creamy white "Grand River Sauce") rest in metal cups just beyond the onion rings.

My first impression of the rings themselves isn't positive. The batter is extremely dark and almost certainly overdone. The battering is irregular and patchy, including one ring cracked clean in half. Though there's a prodigious amount of batter-per-ring, it's not applied evenly, leading to cancerous tumors bulging from beyond the confines of the ring.

Taste: (3/5)

There are a few maxims I've picked up in my many years of reviewing onion rings. Chief among them is this; the eyes do not deceive. The discerning consumer can easily identify potential flaws in taste and texture by sight alone. This maxim showed its worth with these rings, as the batter was horribly overdone, and bordering on badly burnt. Occasional speckles of flavor eked through the charred-out remains of what once were onion rings, and these did hold a decent flavor, though it was overpowered.

These onion rings were made with red onions, which is a refreshing departure from the norm. However, the milder onion taste from the cooked red onions made it difficult for them to pierce through the blackened shell of batter. Despite these problems, I do have to give substantial credit to the sauces, both of which I've never experienced with onion rings before. The Honey Sriracha sauce coated the onion rings in an interesting veil that truly transformed the dish.

Unfortunately, I was not able to appreciate it given the burnt rings. The Grand River Sauce was substantially better, with its mix of tangy, savory, and slightly spicy flavors. If these onion rings had been executed well, I think both of these sauces would have brought them to a whole new level.

Texture: (1.5/5)

The batter is far, far too thick for these onion rings, expanding like a rapid algal bloom from the onion core. The balance between the batter and the onion is completely off. This is compounded by how badly overdone the batter is. On some bites, I feel like I'm trying to bite through charcoal in some bizarre hazing ritual - perhaps with some shattered remnants of grilled onion hiding in the ashes.

The batter itself is also patchy and uneven. The overwhelming thickness and rigidity of the batter made both shedding (batter chipping off of the ring) and slippage (onions slipping out of the ring) extremely common.

The onions, despite the clearly overdone batter, seemed almost underdone and dry. It's possible that these rings looped all the way around so as to extrude what little onion juices remained into the fryer, leaving me with a sad and empty bite. The dipping sauces remain the star, as they infuse some much needed moisture into every bite, though there's only so much that they can do.

Value: (3.5/5)

My inherent thrifty nature - some combination of culture, Dutch ancestry, and familial habits - can be exacting, and drives much of my life, including my penchant for both meal prep and happy hours. In this case, the River North Public House happy hour is a good deal, as these onion rings were a mere $4. For all the trouble in execution, I can see a theoretically good onion ring buried beneath the cinders of the batter, with a decent amount sitting on the plate.

However, were these to be at the standard price of $8, it would be a different story.

Total: 11/20

Grand Coney (Grand Rapids, MI)

A familiar pattern has emerged in my life, in the just-over-two years I've been in the full-time work force. Essentially, the last four months of the year are by far the busiest for me, and it only accelerates as the year slips by. Sometimes, it bleeds into January. 

Not coincidentally, I haven't published a review since October. 

I thank you, dear reader, for you patience. Without further ado, here is a review of onion rings from Grand Coney in Grand Rapids, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3/5)

My eyes are immediately drawn to the unique style of dish that the onion rings arrive in. They are a cut above the plain white plate, and of an entirely different character than the plastic baskets lined with a modicum of greasy waxed paper. It is oblong and mysterious, not unlike an albino, open-faced banana peel.

Within this peel, however, one finds a reasonable portion of crispy onion rings, rather than the pale and smooth flesh of a banana. The onion rings seem fairly consistently breaded, almost to a fault, as it suggests either a ruthlessly efficient mass production in a kitchen (which, I admit, is possible), or the far more likely fruit of a frozen bag.

A ramekin of zesty sauce was delicately balanced within the oblong dish, striking me more as a bold artistic statement on the fragility of civilization than an optimal placement for sauce.

Taste: (3.5/5)

My initial suspicion of frozen rings seem to have hit a snag, as the onion rings ooze with a robust taste of butter and grease, coming from the core of a well-cooked onion. While possible in frozen rings, it is exceedingly rare. The batter is well seasoned, and is cooked to a delicate crisp without being overdone.

Though the zesty sauce was precarious, it delivered a solid complement to the flavors of the onion ring. All told, I have no major complaints about the taste, but it was missing a little bit of the "wow" factor necessary to take it to the next level.

Texture: (4/5)

Typically, the taste and texture of an onion ring are intimately related, and understanding one provides crucial hints to the other. In this case, the maxim holds true. With a good volume of onion-derived grease pouring out in each bite, I could safely determine (and confirm with subsequent bites) that the onions were well cooked. That is to say, not too overdone as to be mushy, and not so underdone as to be raw.

Likewise, the batter hits the right notes between a burnt husk and a soft circle of raw better. There is some slippage, but not much. As with taste, the texture didn't quite hit all the right notes, but it was singing the right song.

Value: (3/5)

Though the onion rings are solid in both taste and texture, the quantity leaves a bit to be desired for the price. At $5 for the mystery dish mounded with onion rings, they don't quite manage to rise to perfection, but it's a good bite at a good price.

Total: 13.5/20

Brann's Steakhouse & Grille (Grand Rapids, MI)

My muse is not a spout that can be turned on at will. Though the occasions are few, there are times when, despite being at a new eatery ripe with onion ring potential, I don't feel the call of the Allium in my bones. Thankfully for you, dear reader, I was bolstered by a stalwart compatriot in the world of liberty (and Sola Cepa fandom, for which I imagine there is a non-zero overlap) to order and consume these onion rings on a wholly unrelated occasion.

Here is a review of onion rings from Brann's Steakhouse & Grille. My companions were too many to name, but you know who you are.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Coated in a reasonably consistent covering of golden brown batter, these onion rings are marred immediately by a somewhat patchy breading. While they appear smooth at first blush, the gaps in the batter portend grave danger just ahead. Even from a distance vantage point, I can see the thin sheen of grease peaking over and among the rings. 

The presentation is roughly standard for bar fare. Plain white wax paper lines a reasonably good facade of a basket (made of plastic, but designed to vaguely resemble wicker). The onion rings don't quite fill the container, making the portion size seem more scanty than it otherwise would. The haphazard toss of a plastic container of the purported "Bistro Sauce," which, to the best of my limited knowledge, doesn't resemble in any way, shape, or form what one would get in a bistro, speaks to an apathetic lack of care in the plating.

Taste: 3/5

The batter, though delicately coated in a fine mist of grease, characteristic of the morning dew on a cool Spring day, holds a delicate and light flavor. Seasoned with a pinch-and-a-half of salt, it manages to approximate a sweet-spot between "bland pile of batter" and "explosion of every spice in the kitchen." Generally, I prefer a more flavorful batter, but I felt the mild taste worked well for these onion rings.

This may have been helped by the utter tastelessness of the onions. Though the onions were sufficiently soft to release flavor, very little of it made its way through the light batter. Indeed, the slight seasoning on the surrounding batter was enough to overpower the onion. 

However, both were not just blown out of the water, but set on fire, capsized, and collapsed to the bottom of the sea by the "Bistro Sauce." While I'm generally a fan of strong flavor, this sauce completely and utterly overpowered any hint of flavor in the other two primary components of the onion rings. While it delivered a unique tang, that tang marked the death knell of both batter and onion. 

Texture: 1.5/5

The standard Sola Cepa review, to the astute reader, is a mess of foreshadowing. Issues that crop up in Presentation and Appearance and Taste should signal (at least, to an onion ring expert) further issues in texture. The onion rings here are no exception. 

The softly cooked onions, while flavorless, generally could score some points on texture. However, when combined with the delicate batter, the inevitable result is iteration after iteration of slippage. The underlying texture of these onion rings was, in one word, weak. The batter falls apart as strands of what was once an onion ring slip out into the void. Integrity is gone. Peace is lost. 

Value: 2/5

$3.00 nets a meager portion of onion rings, drowning in an overpowering Bistro Sauce and ready to crumble at the slightest provocation. They were mildly filling, and looked pretty, but that's about the size of it. 

Total: 9.5/20

Log Cabin (Grand Rapids, MI)

Lady fortune is a harsh mistress. After a well-fought match of kickball with an able cohort of coworkers, which we only lost by two points instead of last year's standard of ten to twenty, a number of us retired to the Log Cabin to drown our sorrows. While alcohol, at least in the eyes of history, is one of the best proven ways to drown sorrows, I've always found comfort in the arms of another suitor. That is, the battered and fried delight of onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Log Cabin. Thanks to my teammates (and colleagues) Bob, Sara, Dan, Michelle, Anna, and Lois for joining me on this endeavor.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Initially, these onion rings were a complexity to judge the appearance of. This was not due to some mysterious quality of the rings, not yet seen in my extensive travels, but simply that the bar was remarkably dim. Thankfully, Lois and Anna provided sufficient illumination, through a copious dose of cell-phone flashlights, that I could get a proper read of the situation.

These onion rings are, in short, relatively inoffensive. They have a reasonably consistent golden brown color, and a fairly consistent covering of the bread. Perhaps, with the cave-like atmospheric lighting of the bar, the Log Cabin was hoping to hide some of the malformed rings from a discerning view; the broken half rings, the double rings fused together, and so on. As always, this attempt a subterfuge failed.

Presentation wise, it's about as bare bones and classic as it gets. A large heap of onion rings exploding beyond the narrow confines of a classic red-and-white checkered cardboard box, a deliberate plating attempt to make the onion rings seem greater in quantity than they truly are.

Taste: 2.5/5

Much like the increased power of other senses when one is lacking, like a blind woman with marginally improved hearing, the blackened interior of the Log Cabin may have been a clever attempt to force diners to assign a greater value to taste to what would otherwise be insufficient flavor.

To an extent, it worked. The batter, with a light and fitting coating of the quintessential onion ring grease, was reasonably well-seasoned, though probably with no more than salt and pepper. While the breading, like Icarus, tried to touch the sun, the catastrophic failure to deliver an onion taste was the collapse of his contrived wings, and what caused the taste of these onion rings to hurtle down to oblivion.

In short, there was basically no onion taste. One could be forgiven for assuming that these were little more than moderately well-seasoned circles of breading wrapped around a pale faux-facsimile of an onion, perhaps made of cardboard or wood pulp. The onions were cut far too thin, and the rings themselves fried for far too-long, for any onion taste to survive the cooking process. Additionally, when I ordered, I was promised a tantalizingly mysterious "bistro sauce" to accompany the rings, which was noticeably absent from my final order.

The Log Cabin is little more than a den of deception, preying on the frailty of human sensation and memory to spin a devious web of lies and insufficient taste in onion rings.

Texture: 2/5

The web of deception continues with texture. On one's first bite, one could think that these onion rings are sufficient, even bordering on good. A solid crunch permeates the batter, and there's nary an instance of the dreaded slippage.

Unfortunately, these positive attributes are solely the result of failure. These onion rings were dreadfully overdone, leading to the thick and crunchy texture, and the lack of any slippage. What little shreds of onion there initially were in these onion rings, thin-cut and meager though they were, were destroyed by the frying, with all the sweet juices (and taste) removed before they were plated.

The onion texture wasn't "bad," per se. It was more "completely absent and hardly worth mentioning" than anything else. Even the name of the dish, an "onion" ring, is deceit.

Value: 2/5

When all is said and done, $3.75 yielded a medium sized mound of overdone onion rings, lacking in onion taste, but with a few dashes of flavor mixed into the batter. I'd be shocked if these were anything but frozen, and while the quantity was reasonably good for the price-tag, the quality left much to be desired.

With regards to onion rings, the Log Cabin is little more than a den of deception, preying on the frailty of human sensation and memory to spin a devious web of lies and insufficient taste in onion rings.

Total: 9.5/20

The Holiday Bar (Grand Rapids, MI)

An unexpected side effect of Sola Cepa has been the development of a certain boldness instilled in myself when I go from restaurant to restaurant. I am imbued with a profound sense of purpose, strengthening my resolve and my efforts. I know what I am there for, oh eatery, and I am there for that alone.

While sitting at the bar, the staff seemed intend on trying to butter me up with a bevy of alcoholic beverages, no doubt in an attempt to dull my keen tense of taste and put me in a mood fit for jovial spirits, and more inclined to give the onion rings a more favorable review. Not tonight, sir. Not tonight.

Here is a review of onion rings from The Holiday Bar.

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

Plain brown paper rests between a hearty mound of onion rings and a metal tin. My eyes are immediately drawn to the green and white specks dusted delicately atop the batter. Experience has taught me that seasoning onion rings past the fry, and in such a visible manner, was something of an oddity, and it immediately piqued my interest.

While most of the rings are decently plump, a handful of shrunken and malformed rings lurk in the shadowy recesses of the tin, desperately seeking to avoid my gaze. Much as I imagine the humble roadside onion seller tries to hide the desiccated and rotten onions from their more photogenic siblings, the Holiday Bar clearly didn't want me to find these reject rings. It does not work.

A paper cup of ketchup (which I find to be a vile concoction) rests precariously near my precious rings, daring to pollute them. All in all, the appearance is refreshingly classic and homey, though the precarious ketchup placement and malformed rings are to their detriment.

Taste: 3.5/5

Even before I get a hint of the tantalizing seasonings resting atop the batter, my first bite reveals a greasy world of onion juice. With the grease comes a decent and solid onion flavor, which is just present enough to deliver a good taste without being overwhelming. The weak onion rings in the back, however, lacked the same flavor profile.

While the batter itself isn't tremendously flavorful, the seasoning added after the cooking, certainly including some ground salt and a dash of a number of savory herbs, adds a wonderful dimension to these onion rings that many others lack. This is a splendid example of how the appearance of an onion ring (the mottled specks of green and white on top of the batter) can build anticipation for the flavors yet to be unearthed, as a great apocalypse.

I cannot vouch for how the ketchup may or may not have affected the taste, as I refused to touch it. The thought of ketchup touching the glory of an onion ring makes me shudder, and weep for the poor souls this horror has been delivered to prior to my arrival.

Texture: 3/5

When you've been in the hard game of onion ring reviews as long as I have, you start to recognize patterns. An onion ring that tastes mightily of onion juices is typically accompanied by a mushy onion, with the juicy flavors coming at the expense of structural integrity of the onion itself. This was the case here, as the onions were soft and squishy, and mildly overdone.

The beer batter managed to provide a reasonable and soft bite, while my mastication delivered the sound and sensation of a slight crunch. It makes up somewhat for the onion, as providing a good texture with soft battered rings can be a tricky beast. The gnarled rings in the back are far too overdone to say the same of, though.

The slippage scourge returns, as soft batter and mushy onions make are a potent recipe for separation of the constituent components of the rings. While they has a number of good textural elements, these onion rings failed to meaningfully combine them into a positive whole.

Value: 3.5/5

For $6, I got a tin packed with reasonably thick cut rings.While $6 is a little steep for the amount of onion rings I received, they were certainly made in-house and with a reasonable degree of precision. All in all, these onion rings provided reasonable taste at a reasonable price, with an almost-stellar appearance, barring the reject rings in the corner.

Total: 14/20

IRON Restaurant (Grand Rapids, MI)

Providence is an underrated force in human events. The confluence of factors that go into making a decision, like deciding to do another sweep of onion rings in downtown Grand Rapids, a day free of lunch plans, and a steely resolve to eat and review onion rings that fills my gullet like little else can do, can form a perfect storm of good timing and good fortune.

IRON Restaurant is closing its doors permanently effective tonight. It is only through providence that I managed to get a taste of their onion rings, before they were relegated to Grand Rapids culinary history.  If you're reading this, you may have one final chance to eat these onion rings, a soon to be relic, at IRON Restaurant's literal last supper tonight.

This is a momentous occasion for Sola Cepa. My initial vision was only to evaluate restaurants the world over by the Onion Ring Standard, but I now realize a second aim. Sola Cepa can serve as an archive of onion rings that are no more. Much like the Byzantine preservation of ancient Greek texts, which bolstered an early Renaissance in Europe, I can only hope this repository of knowledge can generate wisdom and progress in the years to come.

Here's a review of onion rings from IRON Restaurant.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

My rings arrive plated on a rectangular and dark brown plate, with a metal cup of dipping sauce resting on one edge. The presentation is modern, without yielding itself too much to the pretension that can plague the style, and fitting.

Roughly half of them are gloriously thick cut (per the menu, they are purportedly made from local onions), cooked to a golden brown perfection, and plump and pleasing to the palate. Unfortunately, the other half range from burnt to a crisp and covered with the barest hints of a patchy batter, to middling between the two extremes of plump and crisp.

Taste: 4/5

The accompanying BLIS BAST mayo, a tantalizing dipping sauce for the onion rings, was perhaps the best accompanying sauce I have ever had for onion rings. It was flavored with a spicy tang, but absolutely packed to the brim with taste. The sauce alone elevated these onion rings, even the charred and overdone ones, to heights that would have been otherwise unreachable. The sauce was more than a complement to the onion rings, it was like a rope pulling a scared child out of a well.

When cooked well, the IPA batter on the onion rings was delivered a bite full of seasoning, and packed a surprising amount of flavor into each ring. Even many of the rings which appeared charred and overdone still maintained a solid batter taste. The onions were strong without being overpowering, and many had the perfect amount of onion juices and grease, middling without tacking to excess.

An innovative and tasty dipping sauce, a flavorful IPA batter, and some well cooked thick cut local onions made for a pleasant bite. Unfortunately, only a little over half of the onion rings managed to reach that lofty height. The rest were over-done, not fully covered with the batter, or had onions sliced far too thin to stand up to the heat of the fryer.

Texture: 3.5/5

The batter is the true star of these onion rings. When cooked properly, the batter was simultaneously crunchy enough to warrant substantial chewing, but soft and light enough to seemingly disappear in my mouth as I ate it. These were nearing the ideal density, and usually maintained shape under pressure. It's remarkably difficult to get a battered texture right (or, more likely, most restaurants don't feel as passsionately about onion ring texture as I do), but these were on point.

There were more than a few instances of the dreaded slippage, and a handful of instances of shedding on some of the burnt ones. Even the seemingly overdone onion rings, for the most part, preserved the soft and buttery texture of the batter, a testament to its strength.

I suspect that the charred onion rings were mostly the result of a thin cut onion, contra the menu's claim of a thick cut. Subjected to the same fry time as the proper onions, they were unable to stand up to the pressure. In these rings, the onions were charred and blackened, so dry that they lacked even grease. They were a far cry from the quality of the batter.

Value: 2.5/5

For the steep price of $8, I got a confusingly mixed quality plate of onion rings. If they were all of the caliber of the top rings, I would be a little more forgiving, but charging such a premium and failing to deliver consistent, high-quality rings is a travesty.

These onion rings were on the verge of greatness, and they showed many signs of it. The amazing sauce, the robust batter, and the thick onions, when executed properly, were some of the best I've ever had. Unfortunately, these onion rings failed to live up to their own potential, perhaps much like IRON Restaurant itself.

The inconsistency in appearance, taste, and texture held them back from soaring to the heavens, but they still managed to jump pretty high.

Total: 13.5/20

Steak 'n Shake (Everywhere)

Steak 'n Shake has always evoked an odd nostalgia in me. It reminds me of simpler times. Meeting up with friends before going to a movie (which, incidentally, was the occasion for this trip to Steak 'n Shake), celebrating the conclusion of opening night of a high school play, going off to a sock hop, enlisting to fight in the Korean War, buying a house for a bag of oats and firm handshake, and so on.

Despite all this nostalgia, I'd yet to ever try their onion rings. Here's a review of onion rings from Steak 'n Shake. Thank you to Ryan V., David S., and Micah W. for accompanying me.

Presentation and Appearance: 2.5/5

Color is an oft-overlooked variable when reviewing onion ring quality. Too pale, and the rings seem lifeless. Too dark, they're almost inevitably overdone. Getting a light golden brown is deceptively complex, and these onion rings succeed in spades. The breading is more than a little gnarly, and definitely fails to properly cover the onion rings in full.

The meager mound of onion rings makes a pitiful pile on a plain white plate, variate in size and covering but consistent in color, if nothing else.

Taste: 3.5/5

These onion rings are demonstrably juicy and moist. While these terms often describe admirable attributes in any number of dishes, it's a bit odd to describe onion rings as such. However, the flavors work. The onion taste is strong, and reinforced by an ample helping of delicious juices, percolating within the recesses of the golden circles.

There's also a preponderance of grease, but somehow, when mixed with the juices, it seems to work. The batter is reasonably well seasoned, and delivers a nuanced taste of salt and pepper. Though these onion rings don't look like they'd have a tremendous amount of flavor, it managed to hide within.

Texture: 1.5/5

What these had in taste, they lost in texture. The juicy onion interior of the rings came at the price of an overly-mushy (and probably over-fried) onion, leading to a characteristic lack of firmness and structural integrity. The rings were also shockingly dense, perhaps owing to the batter welded firmly to the moist onions.

The frequent shedding and slippage of the onion, and the inability of the dissimilar parts to stay together, drive this point home. While the batter did manage to maintain a slight crunch, just as the last gasps of a man chopped in half technically have some sound and meaning, it was insufficient to cover up the wet onions and the weak breading. While they have the original appearance of density, in truth, this was an illusion, delivered by Big Steak 'n Shake to foist the chaotic blob onto unsuspecting diners.

Value: 3.5/5

Too often in this world, I feel as though I don't get what I pay for. My consumer surplus, after factoring in the regret of a bad purchase, can erode entirely. The onion rings from Steak 'n Shake, however, are about what you pay for. For $2.59, I got a small plate of alright looking, alright tasting, onion rings, that went down with heat and grease to accompany my tall, cool shake.

Total: 11/20

Choo Choo Grill (Grand Rapids, MI)

My calling, though noble, can rack my tranquility. As I drive by any given restaurant in my daily life, I'm forced to evaluate the likelihood that they have onion rings. My ever-expanding list of restaurants to conquer fluctuates wildly with whatever happens to come into sight.

I've driven past the Choo Choo Grill hundreds of times in the past two years, and I finally went in, to satisfy both my curiosity and my insatiable, never-ending drive for more onion rings.

Presentation and Appearance: 2/5

Language is a tricky thing. The same word, like "simple" or "bare-bones" could be said of two wildly different things, one of which may more perfectly illustrate the true definition of the term. All that is to say that the presentation of these onion rings was, in fact, simple. They were served in a tangled pile on a small, white plates. That's it. It's fitting for the diner aesthetic of the Choo Choo Grill, though not the most impressive. 

The onion rings run into more trouble in their appearance. I can immediately tell that they're overcooked, as evidenced by the dark, dark brown coating, and the frays in the batter. They have a somewhat consistent size and cut, but that comes not from art of the craft, but from the purchase of a large plastic bag of frozen onion rings. 

The restaurant was set up in a small building, with counter seating surrounding the grill and fry area. As I was paying my bill, I noticed a new batch of onion rings going in the fryer, being delicately spooned from a large plastic bag, obviously pre-made, obviously frozen. Though I've had my share of frozen onion rings before, this is the first time I've seen the indelicate and mechanistic frying, bereft of care, bereft of love. 

Taste: 1.5/5

My eyes did not deceive me, as the predominant taste of these onion rings was an overdone batter, often bordering on badly burnt. The onions, cut razor-thin, failed to deliver a substantial onion taste. Given the long fry-time, there was little chance for the onion juices to mingle with the ubiquitous grease, making for a remarkably dry onion ring. 

In short, these were largely flavorless. It was burnt breading with a vague hint of onion, flavored in a pool of grease. 

Texture: 1.5/5

As with all other aspects of these onion rings, the texture was almost solely determined by the overpowering, overcooked, and slightly burnt breading. The onions, when they weren't desiccated husks of what may have been an onion at some point in time, did deliver some okay texture, but it was mostly dry, and masked by the awful batter. 

In addition, they fell prey to the cardinal sin of onion rings: slippage. 

Value: 2/5

As I was originally working through my notes for this review, I was cautiously optimistic on value. When filling out my check, I saw the dread of the bag of frozen onion rings poured with a modicum of care into the fryer, and my heart sank. 

I originally thought $3.39 for a decent sized pile of sub-par onion rings wasn't too bad, but when confronted with the absolute fact that they were pre-made and frozen, I couldn't help but feel it was a rip-off, at best. At worst, it's a crime against all things Allium, and an affront to all things good in life. 

Total: 7/20

Kitchen 67 (Grand Rapids, MI)

Motivation is a fickle mistress. After months of inactivity, Sola Cepa burst back onto the scene, as I renewed my onion ring fixation with an unmatched vigor. Unfortunately, as the ebb and flow of time and life washed over me, my motivation for excess reviews of onion rings waned. A balance must be struck, as the Aristotelian Golden Mean. Sustainable, long-term output is more important than vague bursts of reviews.

That said, here's a review of onion rings from Kitchen 67. Thank you to Dave for the suggestion.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

In a unique twist on the classic, the wax paper that lines the squarish ceramic bowl is printed int he facade of a newsprint, an attempt to hearken back to something homey and unique. While it's a relatively convincing fake, and it does add a bit of a twist on the standard white or red-and-white checkered paper, I don't know how much it ultimately adds to the equation. It does, however, stand out.

The rings themselves are demonstrably hand-battered, but not with delicate care. They are messy and haphazard, with hills of gnarled batter climbing off the rings to and fro. They're a bit on the darker side of golden brown, perhaps indicative of a slightly too-long fry time.

Taste: 1.5/5

I often throw around the term "greasy" when reviewing onion rings, but I feel the overuse of that term has led to an underappreciation of the extent of grease that is possible. These onion rings, rather than being delicately brushed with a thin layer of grease, were drenched with a series of successive buckets in a desperate attempt to drown the poor onion rings.

As you can gather, these were remarkably greasy. I got hints of seasoning in the batter at times, but these hints were overwhelmed by the powerful grease. Indeed, after finishing the rings, a small pool of grease collected in the center, something I've never seen before.

Overall, the taste was overpowering, and not all that pleasant. The accompanying dipping sauce, never identified, was bizarrely both bland and poor in taste. All that said, the onions had a decently strong flavor, the only positive of taste yet identified.

Texture: 3/5

The texture was a mixed bag. The batter delicately collapsed with a pop, as it puffed extravagantly out from the inconsistent (mostly thin) cut onion. To deem it a crunch would be a misnomer, and it was far more of a pop.

The batter, however, was oddly heavy, despite the pop in the bite. Each bite built a successive layer in the pit of my stomach, forming a dense layer of greasy batter and onions. There was far, far too much batter for the size of the onions. It might be more accurate to term these "piles of greasy batter that have a little bit of onion inside of them that may or may not be in the shape of a ring" rather than an onion ring.

What little onion I did encounter were decent. They were soft, without becoming mushy and overcooked, and provided a nice, soft, juicy bite. Unfortunately, the greasy ball of batter overpowered that.

Value: 2.5/5

For $2.99, I got a reasonably sized bowl of relatively mediocre onion rings. The quality left something to be desired, but the amount was adequate. They were filling, to an overwhelming extent.

Total: 10/20

Graydon's Crossing (Grand Rapids, MI)

Graydon's Crossing reminded me a hole-in-the-wall that had nothing else around it, making it more of an outcropping that resembled a hole springing from the earth. As I plunged into the depths of this curious place, I was set and determined to eat another in a long, perpetual series of onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Graydon's Crossing.

Presentation and Appearance: 4.5/5

I can genuinely say that I have never, ever, seen onion rings that look quite like these. They are, as the kids like to say, "thick," plump, and tall, at least two of those words being something I've never used to describe onion rings in the past. They're almost like cross-sections of bulbous onion spheres, with a handful of holes drilled in to make them true rings.

The batter is clearly thick, and coats what is certainly a massive cut of onion, both in height and width. They are, as the menu claims, "super colossal." Sprinkled with cilantro as a garnish, the specks of green make for an interesting dish. While the beer batter is appealing, there are more than a few gaps in the facade. That said, this is only a minor mark on their appearance, with everything else being a delight.

The presentation, like the restaurant, is classy and simple, on a bowl-like plate and served with a ramekin of cilantro ranch.

Taste: 4/5

The colossal size of the onion rings is not quite matched by the taste, though it does come close. The thickness of the rings, both as a whole and in the constituent parts of the onion and the batter, meant that the quantity of flavor was supreme. The onions were cooked just right, able to maintain their shape while still secreting copious amounts of juices, all without devolving to a mushy mess.

They were, as a result, fairly greasy, though the amount of grease compared to the surface area of the onion ring is roughly standard. The batter is very well seasoned, particularly with the flakes of cilantro mixed in with the batter.

The cilantro ranch provided a uniquely spicy kick accompanying the rings, making the first unique foray into what might be construed as Mexican inspired onion rings.

While there was a big flavor for these rings, I think the sheer size of the onion, and the thickness of the batter, was responsible more than anything else.

Texture: 3/5

The batter on these onion rings were the absolute thickest I have ever encountered. It was tough and crunchy, and took serious effort to gnaw my way through the brick-like edifice. The texture was good, but there was just an extraordinary amount of it. "Woe, woe to you, great onion ring, you mighty city of Allium!" Alas, onion ring. Alas, as you collapse under the weight of your own hubris.

Each bite led to successive layers of the rings of the batter shedding off, like a collapse of the walls of Constantinople, with my tooth cannons chipping away at its once mighty defenses. The edifice, which looked so mighty, had a weak structural integrity, borne out by the bitter truth of experience.

Much like the treasures and loot hidden within Constantinople, for the conquering invaders to pluck at their whim, the onion had a shiny and silky smooth texture. They were thick and meaty, and helped the onion ring gain ground at the loss of points from the impenetrable batter.

Value: 4/5

These four onion rings cost $4, for a dollar apiece. While it's very pricey per ring, the size and quality of the taste made them a more than reasonable value.

Total: 15.5/20

Cousin's Tasty Chicken (Grand Rapids, MI)

I've driven past Cousin's Tasty Chicken hundreds of times in the past two years, but never bothered to step inside. Sola Cepa is both a passion and a calling, as well as an excuse to wander into random restaurants near my house and eat onion rings. Each venture is yet another opportunity of wonder and discovery, or one for a ruinous defeat. It's naught but a spin of the dice, or a gamble between the red and the black. But either way, one always gets to eat onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Cousin's Tasty Chicken.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5 

As might be expected, the presentation of these onion rings is basic and no-frills. Resting atop a small cardboard tub, within a larger styrofoam box, they are heaped haphazardly into a pile. When I opened the box, a couple of rings had slid out of the box into the (delicious) spicy chicken tenders, but that could have been my own lack of care in transporting the goods. There was no paper lining covering the cardboard, which is a bit outside the norm, but I didn't miss it.

The appearance of the onion rings is, similarly, nothing special, nothing awful. The batter is reasonably consistent, but a close examination reveals some minor splotches and gaps in the batter, and some extra crumbles mixed around. While this always speaks well to the quality of the onion rings (in terms of a clearer sign of hand-battered and home made), it does cause some problems in the appearance.

Taste: 4/5

I should preface this by saying my onion rings weren't piping hot, as I'd ordered them for pick-up some time in advance of my coming, but I can hardly fault Cousin's Tasty Chicken for that.

The onion rings weren't overly greasy, and indeed, were hardly greasy at all. My first tentative bite revealed a vivid and surprising amount of juicy, strong onion flavor. The onions may well have been seasoned before they were fried, or else the fry time was just sufficient to give them a good burst of flavor with each bite. They were tasty, without being overwhelming.

The batter, likewise, was well seasoned. It wasn't mind-blowing, but it did add a pleasant layer of flavor on-top of the already present juicy onions. The accompanying ranch sauce was fairly overpowering, and any dips completely overshadowed the more subtle flavors of the onion rings, and was not especially complementary.

Texture: 3.5/5

While the onions had a wonderfully juicy taste, it came at the expense of the occasionally mushy, overdone onion within. While they weren't the norm, even a few in a small batch of onion rings can be detrimental to the experience. The same applies to slippage. Although it was only two or three times, proportionally, it's extreme.

Besides the bouts of slippage, however, the batter had an excellent texture. The integrity of the ring remained even when manipulated or squeezed for consumption, with the exception the dreaded slippage alluded to above. It was soft, with more of a subtle pop than a loud crunch, as my teeth split into the pocket of air between the onion and the batter.

Value: 5/5

For a reasonably sized portion of good tasting, well-textured onion rings, I only paid $1.99, which is practically a steal. While they weren't perfect, and I could almost always use more onion rings, I'd be hard pressed to say they're anything but a top-notch value.

Total: 15.5/20

Jonny B'z (Grand Rapids, MI)

Over the past week, my spigot of onion ring passion has been tapped, and out flows a voluminous portion of reviews, commentary, and wisdom on all things onion ring. I even deigned to take my precious break for lunch at work to journey to an as-of-yet-to-be-reviewed locale, with my colleague and Sola Cepa regular Patrick Oetting, where I sampled an entirely new (to me) variety of onion ring: haystack onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Jonny B'z.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

The presentation of these haystack onion rings as as classic as it is ubiquitous; a mound sprawled out to fill a black plastic basket topped with a checkered red and white paper. While not ground-breaking, it is pleasant, and ties into the essential ethos of the onion ring culinary arts. 

The appearance is, generally, a mixed bag. Unknown to me when I placed my order, haystack onion rings are characterized by a remarkably thin and small cut of onion. The standard onion ring, whether breaded or battered, is characterized by some of the largest rings able to formed from a standard sized onions, appropriately hand-held and rarely able to be consumed in a single bite. 

These haystack onion rings, on the contrary, were remarkably small and numerous, intermingling into a gloriously tangled web of fried onion, where one could easily eat multiple rings in a single bite.The sheen on the top of the pile indicated that they had come fresh out of the fryer, as the grease was permeating throughout the basket. 

While I admired the spirit of the onion rings' appearance, the inconsistent execution was its downfall. Beneath the top of the web was a wasteland of shattered and broken onion pieces, whether burnt, overcooked, or simply fallen off due to excess batter. 

This is perhaps the biggest weakness of the haystack onion rings; a characteristic lack of structural integrity which makes the service, plating, and consumption a logistical complexity that man may never live to untangle. 

Taste: 2.5/5

My eyes did not deceive me when I observed the glistening grease on my platter, these onion rings were indeed hot, fresh, and greasy. For the more complete (and comparatively thicker) rings at the top of the pile, I got a surprisingly robust taste onion taste, for the thickness and size of the cut, at least. Generally, they were fairly weak, but packed an out sized punch. 

Beyond the meager onion taste, the only other flavors in the ring were an all-encompassing deluge of grease and salt. Now, grease and salt are pleasant to eat, and are the mainstays of any fried diet, particularly with the onion ring, but this haystack variety had them to an unpleasant excess, with no other subtleties of flavor to break up the monotony of the pillars of salt. In short, they were pleasantly addictive at the time, but the lack of depth (and the hours of heartburn after) cost them some serious points. 

In addition, the fragmentation of the rings mentioned above led this to be, by about halfway through the dish, to become more of a "pile of bits of fried onions" moreso than a true onion ring. 

I will point out that there were a variety of complementary barbecue sauces in squeeze bottles on the table, which gave the onion rings a pleasant and spicy vinegar kick, and added some much needed moisture back into the rings, which were completely absent the crucial onion juices that make an onion ring so good. 

Texture: 2.5/5

I will give the haystack onion rings credit where credit is due. These were, without a doubt, the crunchiest onion rings I have ever had. There was hardly a hint of juices, and for much of the basket, hardly a hint of onion texture, or presence, at all. 

The crunchy, crunchy breading completely overpowered all other textures in the rings, making it more like a collection of onion bits and better that perhaps were once an onion ring rather than a true onion ring. 

Value: 3/5

For all the guff I've given these haystack onion rings above, I truly think they were a reasonably good value. For $4, I got a huge basket that more than sufficed for a filling lunch when I stepped out of the office.

Most of the problems in taste and appearance can be accounted for by inconsistency and structural problems within the haystack onion rings themselves, that is, their thinness and relative structural weakness. I applaud Jonny B'z for experimenting in new methods of delivery for fried onion concoctions, but I think these rings still have some kinks to work out.

Total: 11/20

Bud and Stanley's Pub & Grub (Grand Rapids, MI)

Despite having gone on the day prior to New Year's Eve, Bud and Stanley's Pub & Grub was filled with the noise and revelry characteristic of a major celebration. I was not deterred. My sole goal, as it has always been and will ever be, was to sample and review their onion rings. I steeled myself through the din of the crowd, with an internal cry of "Sola Cepa!' giving me strength to persevere. 

Here's a review of onion rings from Bud and Stanley's Pub & Grub. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

In my long, and never-ending, quest to review onion rings, I thought I had seen it all. It seems that most restaurants are content to plop out a mound of onion rings in a plastic basket, resting atop a thin layer of greasy paper.

That's why the presentation of these onion rings delighted my jaded eyes in a way I've never thought possible. The onion rings sank deep into the recesses of the conic container, and were stacked well above the end of the cone, making a tower pleasing to the eye and to the palate. The accompanying container for the ranch dipping sauce, attached right to the cone, left me in awe of the wondrous innovations we see in civilization today. 

The appearance of the onion rings was good at first glance. A golden brown batter covered a wide array of onion ring sizes. The main problems came in the inconsistency of the coating, with more than a few onion rings lacking full cover, or some extra gnarly bits tagging along.

Taste: 2.5/5 

For all the glitz and glamour of the presentation, the taste was lacking. There was a fair portion of grease in the rings, spurting into my mouth with every bite. The batter lacked sufficient seasoning and flavor, and seemed mostly to serve as a barrier to keep the grease inside rather than providing taste in and of itself. 

The onion, however, had a pleasant, if subtle, taste. On one or two rings, the onions were cooked in such a way as to pack a bite filled to the brim with the juices and flavors of the onion. the onions were sweated, but perhaps a bit too long.

The accompanying ranch sauce had was heavy and packed a decent punch, but it mostly served to mask the bland batter of the onion rings, rather than work in concert to improve the dish as a whole. 

Texture: 2/5

The battered rings were soft, lacking in crunch and rigidity. This perhaps contributed to the outrageous amounts of slippage I encountered while eating, far more than standard. More often than not, my first bite led to accidentally eating the entire onion, leaving a messy pile of batter sitting on a napkin in its stead. 

The primary culprit of the slippage was the batter. It was far too thin, and left too much space between the onion and the batter to sufficiently cover, and maintain hold of, the onion in the rings. There were a handful of exceptions, where the batter was secure and thick and held the integrity of the ring together, which were a welcome reprieve from the norm. 

The sweating of the onions, prior to battering and frying, made them juicy, and closer to the side of mushy than I usually like. Fortunately, it didn't devolve into a unsatisfying paste, as so often happens. 

Value: 3/5

For $5.75, I got a reasonably sized portion of onion rings. The presentation no doubt made the pile seem bigger than it would in a traditional basket. The portion size was fine, but for the price, and the quality of the rings, I found it lacking.

It would serve well as a shared appetizer for two, or, for a light, early dinner for an onion ring connoisseur.

Total: 11.5/20

Sweet Meats Smokehouse at Fifth Third Ballpark (Comstock Park, MI)

From time to time over the past six months, I glanced through the notes stored on my phone, the dim outlines of onion ring reviews yet to be written. I would often consider trying to eke out a rough review, merely to get it over with, but I couldn't bear to put out a sub par production. I wasn't in a state or motivation to deliver the quality that you, the readers, have come to expect.

Today, Sola Cepa resumes. Thanks for reading.

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My culinary experience as baseball games doesn't have a stellar track record. Two lukewarm hot dogs, wrapped in a suspicious foil, went down easy enough at a Detroit Tigers game some ten years ago. The experience was not as pleasant that night.

As such, I didn't have high hopes for the onion rings at Fifth Third Ballpark, home to the West Michigan Whitecaps. Though my palate may have been somewhat compromised by copious amounts of $2 beer, I knew I couldn't pass this opportunity up. Navigating through the golden horde, I made my way to the one concessions stand that had onion rings, Sweet Meats Smokehouse.

Presentation and Appearance: 1/5

It's easy to tell the difference between onion rings prepared with care, thought, and precision, and those sloppily fried and mass produced for rapid consumption. These rings are demonstrably the latter.

The bowl is a thin, weak Styrofoam, threatening to crack and break at the slightest hint of pressure. It's far too small to hold the volume of the onion rings, and I was forced to delicately balance the bowl and two cups of Coors Light back to my seat all the way across the stadium.

Even without the small bowl, the onion rings themselves are a train wreck. Nearly every ring is cracked to smithereens, split and fraying. While some of the breading is a pleasant golden brown, there are far too many overdone, nearly burnt, chunks of breading scattered throughout. The inconsistency alone is frightening.

In short, these do not look even remotely appetizing.

Taste: 1/5

I'm tempted to say there's no taste whatsoever to these rings, but that would be false. There is one overwhelming taste: grease, and grease alone. I can tell there are some onions in it before I eat it, as the cracked batter shows some white, vaguely onion shaped substance within. Not that I could tell from the taste.

In terms of seasoning, there's a bland hint of a dash of salt mixed in with the overwhelming grease. The onions have no taste, the breading has hardly any, and I feel like a squeeze bottle of grease was drenched over the rings just before they were served. The grease leaked and burst onto my shirt as I ate it, adding pain and discomfort to the complete lack of sufficient taste.

Texture: 1.5/5

The overcooked batter does give the onion rings a mild crunch, but this is almost entirely overshadowed by the mushy, soggy interior of the onion. They are swimming in grease, which flows like a river between the onion and the breading. For each mild crunch, the stream of grease that rushes into my mouth (and, as previously mentioned, onto my lap) overshadows even the hint of good texture.

Value: 2.5/5

While the onion rings were the worst I've ever tasted in my life, I got a reasonably sized amount for $3.50, especially given that they came from a concessions stand at a minor league baseball game. They were, at best, a diversion from the baseball game and an excuse to shove grease down my gullet.

They may have only been edible as a result of the $2 beer which I managed to choke it down with, but they were still pretty cheap.

Total: 6/20

Big Boy (Everywhere)

As I sat at my desk today, working diligently on one project or another, a colleague plopped a large paper bag on my desk, saying it was a gift. Curious, I unraveled the greasy paper only to find a massive carton of onion rings! There are few times in life where man can truly say he is completely satisfied with his work. Today was one of them. Here's a review of onion rings from Big Boy's downtown Grand Rapids location (courtesy of David Welch and Charles Roelofs).

Presentation and Appearance: 1.5/5

I'm always a bit more generous with the presentation of take-out onion rings. Look, I get it. You don't have the time, inclination, or ability to prepare an appetizing presentation. That said, the presentation is pretty consistent with takeout onion rings. A large carton, made just small enough that the onion rings overflow out the top. Accompanying dipping sauce in a plastic container. It's as basic as it gets.

No, the real reason these onion rings are docked in this category is for the appearance. It's hard to tell from the picture, but practically every onion ring in the box was irregularly breaded, cracked, broken, and bruised. The perfection and wholeness of an onion ring was replaced by cracked and broken dreams, pale facades of the union that could have been.

The breading on these onion rings, besides being poorly done and irregular, is uniquely grainy. Almost like it was washed in an onion flavored sand.

Taste: 2.5/5

My first bite reveals a surprising amount of seasoning. The grainy batter, cracked and creaking though it may be, packs a tremendous amount of flavor on what parts of the onion they've stuck to. It's well salted without being overpowering, and the flavor stays with you as you eat the breading and the onion together.

Unfortunately, the onion taste leaves much to be desired. Were it not for the appearance (and my infinite wisdom of all things Onion Ring), I'm not sure if I'd know there was any onion in it by taste alone. The onions are likely tremendously undercooked, and somehow lacking in both raw and sauteed onion flavor.

The accompanying dipping sauce was unique, and hard to place. It was similar to the nigh ubiquitous "zesty" sauce that typically comes with onion rings, but without a lot of zest. Probably the same base, but with a different blend of herbs and seasonings mixed in. It complemented the seasoned breading well, without overpowering it.

Texture: 3/5

The grainy breading truly shines in the texture. One would expect the cracked, crumbly breading to disintegrate on the first bite, but that's a rarity. Though mildly greasy, it is not to an excess. The breading alone gives a soft crunch, without being too hard or overpowering. It goes down smooth and easy.

The texture of the onion itself, as indicated above, is almost certainly undercooked. They avoid the problem of mushiness that plagues so many onion rings, but seem to go the exact opposite way. The onion is firm almost to the point of rawness, but it does contribute to the solid crunchy bites.

All in all, the texture added greatly to both the mouthfeel and the pleasure of eating.

Value: 3/5

While I technically didn't pay for (or, indeed, ask for) these onion rings, I felt they were a solid value. As best as I can gather, the menu price for this (assuming it was a full order) was $4.29. For a modest sum, I got an overflowing carton of alright onion rings. They're certainly nothing worth writing home about, but they served as an adequate, and filling, lunch.

Total: 10/20

Fat Boy Burgers (Grand Rapids, MI)

It may (or may not) surprise readers with the amount of time I put into research and planning for Sola Cepa. I meticulously determine which restaurants have onion rings (through copious online stalking,) plot out a rough schedule, and plan accordingly.

This week, that all went out the window when a coworker walked by my desk at work, saw me looking at the menu for Fat Boy Burgers, and said "Let's go there for lunch today!" Sometimes, spontaneity eclipses the well-laid plans of a young onion ring connoisseur, but the onion ring standard remains the same. Here's a review of onion rings from Fat Boy Burgers. Thank you to David Welch and Jimmy Birney (aka "The Jimmy") for joining me.

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

The entire aesthetic of Fay Boy Burgers is grounded in nostalgia, particularly for old time diners of years past. The presentation of the onion rings is perfectly consistent with that, plated in a red plastic basket with the classic red and white paper resting beneath the onion rings. The presentation suits the onion rings well, and though it is a bit basic, it is certainly a classic.

The appearance of the onion rings immediately tells me they are freshly battered and handmade (though it does already claim that on the menu.) Like the presentation, the onion rings call back to an earlier age, and look like they'd be perfectly at home in any classic greasy spoon.

That said, there were some gnarly bits that were a tad excessive, and some chipped batter littered the bottom of the basket when I was done. There were no cracked rings, that I can recall, or missing breading.

Taste: 4.5/5

I was immediately drawn into these onion rings on first bite. They were rich, almost buttery, and layered with just enough grease. I usually dock onion rings for grease (often, because it's horribly excessive,) but I really didn't mind it on these. In fact, I think the grease contributed greatly to the flavor. The batter was fresh and well-seasoned, and blended beautifully with the underlying (and overlying) grease.

The onion itself, however, was not especially strong. There was a consistent, light onion taste, but it was certainly not the highlight of the rings. Like most good onion rings, the onions were definitely lightly sweated before being battered and fried, which improved the (somewhat weak) flavor dramatically.

Despite the shortcomings in the onion realm, I genuinely couldn't get enough of these onion rings. I found it hard to just eat one bite of a ring, and often ended up practically devouring them whole, chomping away at the ring bit by glorious bit. The one downside, however, was a lack of accompanying dipping sauce, which I think are necessarily to truly bring out the best in an onion ring.

Texture: 3.5/5

The texture of these onion rings fascinated me. They were not hard, or thick, or crunchy (like so many onion rings are.) Rather, they were soft, light, and airy. The delightfully light texture and the greasy, full-bodied flavor complement one another wonderfully. There was no deep, satisfying crunch, but I think this is a good change from the standard.

I've docked points solely because of the inconsistency in the batter, which lad to excessive chunks of overdone breading all over the onion ring. I always appreciate a bit of this just to mix things up a bit, and add some more unique texture to the onion ring, but these were just too much. In fact, just about the only crunch in these onion rings came from gnawing on the overdone batter.

I understand why this was the case, and I'd rather have some overcooked bits from a handmade ring than the perfectly smooth, frozen, manufactured chimera so common to cheap chain restaurants, but it was a mark against the rings nonetheless.

Value: 5/5

For $3.59, I got the "large" side of onion rings to go with my patty melt. Frankly, I would have been perfectly filled on just the side of onion rings! For the relatively small amount of money, one gets an enormous mound of homemade, greasy onion rings. I've paid much more and gotten far less at many other restaurants in the area.

Fat Boy Burgers has, to date, the best onion rings I've reviewed in the Grand Rapids area. Give them a try sometime.

Total: 17/20

Stella's Lounge (Grand Rapids, MI)

Monotony is the death of passion. There are few things in life I care about. Liberty. Cats. The music of Ritchie Blackmore. Onion rings. Just like nonstop Deep Purple can make me tire of the sonorous sounds of the Man in Black, eating too many onion rings can make me lose passion for the grand endeavor. 

I was eager for a change. A fresh take, or a new presentation. I think I may have found that in the onion rings from Stella's Lounge. Thank you once again to Sola Cepa super-fan Patrick Oetting for accompanying me. Read on. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Ordinarily, I don't like the trendy restaurant style of odd or "unique" plating for the sake of being different. That said, in light of my new found hope for a change-of-pace in the otherwise stagnant realm of onion rings, I was pleased with the slight twist on presentation. Rather than a plastic (or wicker) basket, these were plated in what resembled a pie tin! What fun.

But really, the presentation was about the same as usual. I did ding it a tad because, as you can see in the picture, my onion rings arrived with one resting atop the pool of "angry mayo" dipping sauce. It speaks to a basic lack of care, or unneeded haste, in plating.

The onion rings themselves were two shades darker than the standard golden brown, perhaps "earth-brown." The dark brown was surprisingly unique, and inviting (though I may have been fooled by the dimly lit interior of Stella's Lounge.) A handful were cracked, another minus. A pair of rings were oddly fried together, with one onion ring stuck INSIDE another. The irregularity of the onion ring breading strangely suited them, perhaps in line with my new hunger for something to break up the monotony of the mundane.

Taste: 4/5

In another in a run of pleasant surprises, these onion rings had terrific seasoning in the batter. Though I couldn't taste out the specific flavors, the seasoning blended together into a strong and cohesive whole. The onion, unfortunately, had a fairly weak taste. It was slight, but certainly pleasant. The strong breading flavor made up for it.

Despite the weak onion taste, the rings were pleasantly plump and juicy. The taste, overall, was smooth and subtle. The accompanying "angry mayo" dipping sauce was appropriately spicy and creamy, and was a good complement to the onion rings themselves.

Texture: 4.5/5

The onion rings bordered dangerously on the line of becoming hollow, with puffs of air standing in for substance between a thin breading and a thinner onion. This was not the case at all.
I throw around the word "crunch" a whole lot when I review onion rings, so I find myself forced to concoct a new turn of phrase to describe the delightful texture of these rings. I'll go with "The Triple C," Crisp, Crunchy, and Clean.

Nearly every bite of these onion rings had "The Triple C" (or alternatively, "The C Factor.") My companion, Patrick, described them as "a crunch worthy of a Pringle's commercial." Indeed, the crunch was almost like a potato chip. It was thin and easily collapsed in the face of a bite, but somehow, the onion ring still maintained its shape.

The onion itself had a lightly sweated, somewhat soft texture, but it thankfully avoided becoming overly mushy. The texture of these onion rings was wholly unique, and in many ways, a strange enigma I will never unravel as long as I live.

I docked half a point for one outlying onion ring: the double ring mentioned above. The entire thing collapsed under the weight of its own hubris, leaving me with a handful of breading and a heap of onion resting haphazardly in the basket.

Value: 4/5

Though the price was a moderate (for the trendy, urban atmosphere I found myself in) price at $5.50, the quality was well-above average in all respects.

These onion rings were truly unlike any other I've ever had, and that's a good thing. They have rejuvenated me to continue on my never-ending quest to test the Onion Ring Standard, this time, with a little bit more wisdom than before.

Total: 16/20