Kitzingen Brewery (Wyoming, MI)

Like many throughout what was once thought of as a free country, I am currently legally confined to my home except for whatever the governor, in Her Supreme Wisdom, deems to be "essential." In order to take my mind off of the growing wave of petty despots in the United States, and the ongoing collapse of economic freedom and civil liberty, it turned out to be a perfect time to catch up on my Sola Cepa backlog.

I also just ran out of excuses and alternative uses of my time.

Incidentally, looking back on these reviews made me realize how much I miss the simple freedom to eat food at a restaurant without threat of imprisonment, and contemplate how many of the fine (and less-than-fine) eateries I've reviewed over the last three years will close their doors forever because of this.

Here's a review of the onion rings from Kitzingen Brewery in Wyoming, Michigan. Thanks to my wife and father-in-law for joining me.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Despite being a German style brewery, these onion rings are plated as a slice of Americana - in a red plastic basket and atop a crisp sheet of wax paper. Ranch, another staple of American culture, rests precariously in a generous portion betwixt rings and basket.

The rings themselves are clearly hand-breaded, with a crisp golden brown color. I was pleasantly surprised to see spices and seasonings embedded into the batter, which is rarer than you might think, While hand-breading is generally a good sign for flavor, it's difficult to get a consistent coating on the batter. This remains true here, as much of the breading is patchy and filled with gaps.

Taste: 4/5 

As foreshadowed above, these onion rings are surprisingly well seasoned. I say "surprisingly" not to knock Kitzingen Brewery, but to note how much this differs from the norm. Most are satisfied with naught but grease, and perhaps a pinch of salt, if they're feeling fancy.

These rings are well salted, true, but seasoned with something beyond that, providing a potent mix of beautiful flavor. The requisite grease is present too, but not in excess.

The onion taste is slightly more variable. When it work, they give off just enough onion juice and grease to come through in a buttery explosion of flavor. Unfortunately, some onion rings don't deliver the same magnitude of flavor, instead giving the weakness and pallor of a desiccated husk.

On the plus side, the ranch sauce was some of the best I've ever had, combining both sweetness and a tangy kick for unforgettable flavor, and undoubtedly enhancing and complementing the existing flavors of both batter and onion.

Texture: 4.5/5

There is something deeply human about the almost great. History, culture, and literature are filled with countless examples of things that approached glory and prestige, but couldn't quite hit the mark, with a tragic hamartia causing their fated downfall. These onion rings were inhibited by the hamartia of inconsistency, the hobgoblin of onion ring reviews.

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the texture. My initial bites led me to believe I had finally found a perfect texture in an onion ring. They deliver a mix of buttery, melt-in-your-mouth softness with enough of a crisp and a shape to maintain integrity and some crunch. The onion meshed together with the batter well, with enough softness to give flavor without devolving into an incoherent mash of greasy moisture.

I think the best word to describe them I found was chewy, which is not an attribute I traditionally associate with good onion rings. Yet here it worked.

Unfortunately, not every onion ring had this euphoric mix of buttery onion and chewy, melty batter. Though none were what I would call bad, a handful of rings failed to live up to the almost impossible standard of their forebears.

Value: 4/5

Onion rings are often an afterthought, for drunken fools to fill their bellies with greasy carbs and stave off their inevitable hangover. As such, most are bare bones and overpriced for the meager flavor they deliver. Here, and for only $5, a got a sizable basket of flavorful and hand-battered onion rings, with a terrific ranch sauce on the side.

Total: 15.5/20

Brann's Steakhouse & Grille (Grand Rapids, MI)

My muse is not a spout that can be turned on at will. Though the occasions are few, there are times when, despite being at a new eatery ripe with onion ring potential, I don't feel the call of the Allium in my bones. Thankfully for you, dear reader, I was bolstered by a stalwart compatriot in the world of liberty (and Sola Cepa fandom, for which I imagine there is a non-zero overlap) to order and consume these onion rings on a wholly unrelated occasion.

Here is a review of onion rings from Brann's Steakhouse & Grille. My companions were too many to name, but you know who you are.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Coated in a reasonably consistent covering of golden brown batter, these onion rings are marred immediately by a somewhat patchy breading. While they appear smooth at first blush, the gaps in the batter portend grave danger just ahead. Even from a distance vantage point, I can see the thin sheen of grease peaking over and among the rings. 

The presentation is roughly standard for bar fare. Plain white wax paper lines a reasonably good facade of a basket (made of plastic, but designed to vaguely resemble wicker). The onion rings don't quite fill the container, making the portion size seem more scanty than it otherwise would. The haphazard toss of a plastic container of the purported "Bistro Sauce," which, to the best of my limited knowledge, doesn't resemble in any way, shape, or form what one would get in a bistro, speaks to an apathetic lack of care in the plating.

Taste: 3/5

The batter, though delicately coated in a fine mist of grease, characteristic of the morning dew on a cool Spring day, holds a delicate and light flavor. Seasoned with a pinch-and-a-half of salt, it manages to approximate a sweet-spot between "bland pile of batter" and "explosion of every spice in the kitchen." Generally, I prefer a more flavorful batter, but I felt the mild taste worked well for these onion rings.

This may have been helped by the utter tastelessness of the onions. Though the onions were sufficiently soft to release flavor, very little of it made its way through the light batter. Indeed, the slight seasoning on the surrounding batter was enough to overpower the onion. 

However, both were not just blown out of the water, but set on fire, capsized, and collapsed to the bottom of the sea by the "Bistro Sauce." While I'm generally a fan of strong flavor, this sauce completely and utterly overpowered any hint of flavor in the other two primary components of the onion rings. While it delivered a unique tang, that tang marked the death knell of both batter and onion. 

Texture: 1.5/5

The standard Sola Cepa review, to the astute reader, is a mess of foreshadowing. Issues that crop up in Presentation and Appearance and Taste should signal (at least, to an onion ring expert) further issues in texture. The onion rings here are no exception. 

The softly cooked onions, while flavorless, generally could score some points on texture. However, when combined with the delicate batter, the inevitable result is iteration after iteration of slippage. The underlying texture of these onion rings was, in one word, weak. The batter falls apart as strands of what was once an onion ring slip out into the void. Integrity is gone. Peace is lost. 

Value: 2/5

$3.00 nets a meager portion of onion rings, drowning in an overpowering Bistro Sauce and ready to crumble at the slightest provocation. They were mildly filling, and looked pretty, but that's about the size of it. 

Total: 9.5/20