Jonny B'z (Grand Rapids, MI)

Over the past week, my spigot of onion ring passion has been tapped, and out flows a voluminous portion of reviews, commentary, and wisdom on all things onion ring. I even deigned to take my precious break for lunch at work to journey to an as-of-yet-to-be-reviewed locale, with my colleague and Sola Cepa regular Patrick Oetting, where I sampled an entirely new (to me) variety of onion ring: haystack onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Jonny B'z.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

The presentation of these haystack onion rings as as classic as it is ubiquitous; a mound sprawled out to fill a black plastic basket topped with a checkered red and white paper. While not ground-breaking, it is pleasant, and ties into the essential ethos of the onion ring culinary arts. 

The appearance is, generally, a mixed bag. Unknown to me when I placed my order, haystack onion rings are characterized by a remarkably thin and small cut of onion. The standard onion ring, whether breaded or battered, is characterized by some of the largest rings able to formed from a standard sized onions, appropriately hand-held and rarely able to be consumed in a single bite. 

These haystack onion rings, on the contrary, were remarkably small and numerous, intermingling into a gloriously tangled web of fried onion, where one could easily eat multiple rings in a single bite.The sheen on the top of the pile indicated that they had come fresh out of the fryer, as the grease was permeating throughout the basket. 

While I admired the spirit of the onion rings' appearance, the inconsistent execution was its downfall. Beneath the top of the web was a wasteland of shattered and broken onion pieces, whether burnt, overcooked, or simply fallen off due to excess batter. 

This is perhaps the biggest weakness of the haystack onion rings; a characteristic lack of structural integrity which makes the service, plating, and consumption a logistical complexity that man may never live to untangle. 

Taste: 2.5/5

My eyes did not deceive me when I observed the glistening grease on my platter, these onion rings were indeed hot, fresh, and greasy. For the more complete (and comparatively thicker) rings at the top of the pile, I got a surprisingly robust taste onion taste, for the thickness and size of the cut, at least. Generally, they were fairly weak, but packed an out sized punch. 

Beyond the meager onion taste, the only other flavors in the ring were an all-encompassing deluge of grease and salt. Now, grease and salt are pleasant to eat, and are the mainstays of any fried diet, particularly with the onion ring, but this haystack variety had them to an unpleasant excess, with no other subtleties of flavor to break up the monotony of the pillars of salt. In short, they were pleasantly addictive at the time, but the lack of depth (and the hours of heartburn after) cost them some serious points. 

In addition, the fragmentation of the rings mentioned above led this to be, by about halfway through the dish, to become more of a "pile of bits of fried onions" moreso than a true onion ring. 

I will point out that there were a variety of complementary barbecue sauces in squeeze bottles on the table, which gave the onion rings a pleasant and spicy vinegar kick, and added some much needed moisture back into the rings, which were completely absent the crucial onion juices that make an onion ring so good. 

Texture: 2.5/5

I will give the haystack onion rings credit where credit is due. These were, without a doubt, the crunchiest onion rings I have ever had. There was hardly a hint of juices, and for much of the basket, hardly a hint of onion texture, or presence, at all. 

The crunchy, crunchy breading completely overpowered all other textures in the rings, making it more like a collection of onion bits and better that perhaps were once an onion ring rather than a true onion ring. 

Value: 3/5

For all the guff I've given these haystack onion rings above, I truly think they were a reasonably good value. For $4, I got a huge basket that more than sufficed for a filling lunch when I stepped out of the office.

Most of the problems in taste and appearance can be accounted for by inconsistency and structural problems within the haystack onion rings themselves, that is, their thinness and relative structural weakness. I applaud Jonny B'z for experimenting in new methods of delivery for fried onion concoctions, but I think these rings still have some kinks to work out.

Total: 11/20

Russ' Restaurants (Cutlerville, MI)

For many in West Michigan's Dutch community, the Russ' chain is something of a holy place. At any given time, at any Russ' location throughout West Michigan, the restaurant is populated by large swaths of Dutch near-centenarians, with a smattering of blonde haired and blue eyed families crammed among the tables. The food is cheap, delicious, and filling.

When I first started Sola Cepa, Julie VanVoorst (a former Russ' manager) repeatedly insisted that I review the onion rings at Russ', but only if she took me. After many long months, we were finally able to make it. We were also joined by her own clan of tall Dutchmen; Dale VanVoorst, Ryan VanVoorst, and Eric VanVoorst.

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

The presentation is consistent with the Dutch roots of Russ'. Simple, with no pretension, and suitable for its purpose. In an appropriately sized green basket, layered with the standard paper. The appearance of the onion rings is thick, meaty, and demonstrably handmade, as evidenced by the bits and gnarls on the batter. They look immensely appetizing, homemade, and rustic.

However, the gnarly batter bits were a bit excessive (and the shaken off bits littered the bottom of the basket). The hand-crafted imperfections were appetizing, but at the same time, off-putting when taken to an extreme. In addition, the onion rings displayed clear signs of inconsistent fry time (some were overdone relative to others). While most were a delightful golden brown, some veered into darker (and overcooked) territory. 

Taste: 4/5

Much like the food critic in Ratatouille, these onion rings evoke a fond nostalgia for my youth, surrounded by a largely homogeneous band of fellow Dutch in family, church, and school. The first bite brings not only memories, hidden deep within my mind, but also a delightful smooth and creamy taste. The batter is well seasoned, the grease level is not excessive (indeed, it's just about perfect for an onion ring), and the onion rings are truly addicting. Soft and smooth, they go down easy. 

The onion interior is thick, well cut, and lightly sweated, releasing the crucial onion grease and juices necessary to make onion rings a success. Unfortunately, the sweet Spanish onions which make up the onion rings fail to deliver on a strong onion flavor. There was certainly an onion taste there, and what there was blended beautifully with the other components of the ring, but it was not as strong as I would have liked. 

I would also make special note of the accompanying ranch dipping sauce. My insider source for all things Russ', Julie VanVoorst, mentioned "It is worth noting that Russ' makes its ranch from scratch." "But not the batter", retorted Dale. Nonetheless, the ranch was flavorful, with a good mixture of zest and soothing cream, and complemented the onion rings well. 

Texture: 4.5/5

Like the taste of the onion rings, the texture was smooth and soft. The batter stayed on the onions perfectly. Even when I cracked the ring to dip into the ranch more effectively, there was no slippage, the batter did not disintegrate, and the integrity remained intact. The onion rings had more crisp than crunch, with a soft (but far from mushy!) onion and soft batter. They were a perfectly executed example of a soft and battered onion ring. 

Well, almost perfect. The previously mentioned excessive bits of batter (which marred the otherwise perfect appearance of these fine rings), ebbed and oozed over the onion core, and often were crispier and more cooked than the rest of the batter. This unpleasant consistency was the only flaw on an otherwise terrific texture.

Value: 5/5

As might be expected from a Dutch restaurant, the onion rings were a terrific value. At a normal menu price of $3.99 ($2.49 with coupon, of course), they more than suffice as an appetizer for two. Between the five of us, we were barely able to finish two of the baskets. The quantity in each basket of rings was generous, and the quality was outstanding. I'm tempted to award bonus points in this category for just how good of a value they are (but I'm not, as that would ruin the integrity of the onion ring standard). 

Total: 17.5/20

Sola Cepa featured on Radio Free Hillsdale

The day has finally arrived. When I started Sola Cepa, I long dreamed of spreading my message of the onion ring standard, and the reviews that stem from it, to the world.

Thanks to Jordyn Pair, I (along with Sola Cepa) was featured on the show "Have You Heard," on Radio Free Hillsdale (101.7 FM). If you ever wanted to get a more in-depth look at my philosophy of food and my motivations for starting Sola Cepa (in a handy, audio format) check it out!