Sola Cepa is Moving to Substack

 As of today, Sola Cepa is now officially on Substack. I'm not entirely sure what to do with this, but for the time being, I'm leaving it up as an archive. All new posts will be on Substack. Please subscribe and I'll see you there: 

Atwater Brewery (Grand Rapids, MI)

The dramatic shifts in downtown environments brought about by the COVID-19 pandemic, and the trends that have persisted some three years past its inception, have had a marked impact on commercial real estate. There are so many restaurants, pubs, and bars that survive not by the quality of their offerings, but their relative proximity to people desperate for anything moderately quick and moderately hot. 

The Grand Rapids location of Atwater Brewery, a one-time staple of the Detroit craft beer scene that was acquired by Molson Coors in 2020, is one such instance. It's not a place I would ever make a deliberate trip for, and for good reason: it is middling in every sense of the word, one or two decent beers notwithstanding. 

And yet, when attending Acton University 2023 just across the street at DeVos Place, and beset by out-of-town friends insistent on checking out Beer City USA, it was the perfect locale. Also, they had onion rings. Thank you to Aaron and David for joining me. 

Here is a review of onion rings from the Grand Rapids location of Atwater Brewery. 

Presentation and Appearance: (2.5/5)

This side order of onion rings comes on a flat metal tray with the requisite wax paper bedding. Tucked between a moderately sized mound of onion rings is a plastic cup of ranch. Though the quasi-industrial presentation may be an intentional callback to the original home of Atwater, I kind of doubt it. 

By eyesight alone, one can see these are almost certainly the same frozen Brew City brand dreck of onion rings that proliferate among breweries, bars, and brewpubs alike throughout this once great land. The mostly uniform coating is the key giveaway, with the only variation coming from cracked rings brought about in their preparation. 

Taste: (1/5)

There is almost nothing I have left to say about this particular variety of frozen onion rings. They are, for the most part, hollow and tasteless, much like this subsidiary of Molson Coors masquerading as a genuine craft brewery. The miniscule circles of onion that make up the body of the ring technically have a taste, but it is so minute you would be forgiven for forgetting about it entirely. 

The breading is worse. Even the requisite grease and salt seems to drip off of the onion rings into the void, a memory of something long lost and almost forgotten. Even the ranch, so often the savior of bland onion rings, is nothing. A thin, watery gruel that mocks me as I eat it. 

Texture: (1.5/5)

Like the taste, the texture of these onion rings is a cruel imitation of what an onion ring ought to be, but the faux-facsimile is slightly more believable here. The breading, slightly overcooked, does have a slight crunch. The onions, on the other hand, are thin, wet, and stringy, having taken the brunt of the heat from the fryer. 

Slippage was rampant with these rings, and the key culprit was the overwhelming void betwixt onion and breading. Most of the volume of these onion rings is in the air between an underwhelming interior and a deceptive exterior: an apt metaphor for the state of the brewery. 

Value: (2/5)

The side order of onion rings cost $5, and the most charitable interpretation I can make of that is that it isn't as much of a gouge as it could be. Are they frozen? Yes. Are they tasteless and overcooked? Yes. Is there a moderately filling quantity that doesn't make me hate my life after paying for it? Yes. 

Total: (7/20)

Wing Doozy (Wyoming, MI)

The notion of value is at the heart of Sola Cepa. While it is merely one category of four in the ultimate rankings, I would argue it is the most crucial to evaluating a restaurant. If the onion rings from such hall of fame restaurants as Saucy Dog's Barbecue or Uchiko cost $20 a pop, there's no way they could possibly be worth it.

This does present some difficulty in reviewing, particularly at restaurants which offer onion rings solely or primarily as a side to some other dish. Wing Doozy is one such restaurant. In 2017, I ate lunch there with some colleagues and took copious notes on the onion rings, but wasn't able to write a review. Why? Because I ordered the onion rings as part of the combo, I wasn't able to accurately assess the value of the onion rings.

As a committed reviewer of all things allium, I was forced to revisit Wing Doozy many years after the fact, yielding the following review. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3.5/5)

The onion rings are very clearly freshly made and hand battered, radiating heat and comfort. Handmade onion rings are often concomitant with gaps in the battering, which is slightly present here. There are four onion rings of mostly consistent size, with one smaller outlier.

The color is golden brown with a few spare knobs of burnt and slightly blackened bits of batter. They arrive served in a black plastic basket with the requisite wax paper lining, simple yet effective. More importantly, it is consistent with the ethos of Wing Doozy: unpretentious and utilitarian.

Taste: (3.5/5)

The batter is soft, bordering on creamy, with the characteristic quasi-buttery smoothness of hot, fresh batter. They manage to avoid a deluge of grease, the buttery batter melding with the taste of the juicy onion. The seasoning is well balanced: salted, but not to an extreme, with a hint of peppery bark.

The batter is a little overpowering compared to the onion taste, almost hidden and muted in the presence of its power. In a rarity, one of the onion rings has a doubled onion center, which I commonly find in frozen rings but almost never find in the hand-dipped varietal.

Texture: (2.5/5)

The batter remains the star of these onion rings with its textural heights. It is both soft and ever-so-slightly crispy. The onions err a little towards hard compared to soft, but the juices mesh well with the batter.

The batter is a little hard, with hints of shedding overcoming its natural cohesion. I'm reminded almost like a smooth leather, or a turtle's egg, as these onion rings seem vaguely natural rather than artificial or machine-made.

Value: (3/5)

These onion rings are priced at the somewhat standard premium price point of $1 per ring. I don't think they quite rise to that level, but they're certainly a step above the bland, mass-produced morass that makes up much of the onion ring offerings of the world. There's a somewhat diminished onion taste present in these rings, and they're certainly missing the potential enhancements from a quality dip, but these are an ample side option.

Total: (12.5/20)

On the Grid (Allegan, MI)

My age has started to sneak up on me in subtle ways. My steadily growing interest in a well-maintained lawn. The inability to drink bottom-shelf liquor. Most recently, it's been a steadily growing fascination in a somewhat unremarkable place - Allegan. The city has the rare distinction of rural charm without depressing urban decay and widespread poverty, largely owing to the corporate presence of Perrigo.

It's nestled next to an extensive state game area (heavily forested and well trailed), and far enough off the beaten path of the interstate to feel remote. The city is also flush with a bevy of well-maintained historical homes and businesses, stemming in part from the bounty that Allegan's own Benjamin D. Pritchard received following the capture of former Confederate president Jefferson Davis at the conclusion of the Civil War.

Unfortunately for Allegan, Sola Cepa only cares about the onion rings. Here's a review of onion rings from On the Grid in Allegan, Michigan.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

The presentation is fairly bare bones, with the onion rings arriving on a standard white plate, albeit decorate with few gray rings. The heaping pile of onion rings is a shock, as I expected far fewer onion rings in a half order. The requisite ranch dipping sauce came in two plastic containers off to the side. I was almost overwhelmed by the delightful scent of the rings, which were clearly hand battered and made fresh just moments before. Though there was one cracked ring and handful of gaps in the batter, the coating of the batter was overall fairly consistent, as was the golden brown color, with a few exceptions for each.

Taste: 4.5/5

When an onion ring is clearly handmade, my mind leaps in anticipation to the flavor of the batter. The batter does not disappoint, brining a moderate and non-overpowering blend of grease and salt. The onions are likely well flavored with just the right amount of thickness. Together, thanks to an impeccable cooking time, batter and onion blend together into a sumptuous bite. My only minimal complaint is that the onions are less flavorful than I would have expected, and I suspect the use of a sweet or Vidalia onion rather than a yellow onion might be the culprit. The ranch is much the same. Though a bit watery and deceptively simple at first glance, the aftertaste sneaks up on you like Benjamin D. Pritchard on Jefferson Davis. Instead of bringing incarceration, they brought a subtle, tangy aftertaste that expertly paired with the onion rings. These onion rings hit the golden mean in terms of taste: not too salty, nor too bland; not too greasy, nor too dry; not too thin, nor too thick. I think their creation clearly stems from an expert hand used to executing simple flavors well.

Texture: 3.5/5

Overall, the batter is crunchy on the initial chew while slowly dissolving in the mouth afterwards, maintaining the golden mean between soft and hard with just the right amount of give. The onions likewise straddle the line between mushy and raw, cooked to deliver the optimal amount of juices with each bite.

The ability to balance both taste and texture between divergent extremes is a rare one, and these onion rings mostly hit the mark. The batter does vacillate between strength and fragility, as bits of the batter harden and chip off onto the plate when biting (what I deem "shedding"), exacerbated by a similar tendency for weaker onion rings to partially dissolve in a cloud of onion particulate.  

Value: 5/5

The onion rings at On the Grid are an absolute home-run in terms of value. The amount of high-quality, homemade onion rings at a $4.50 price point is almost unheard of, and more than makes up for some minor quibbles with onion selection and batter integrity. These are absolutely worth the trip.

Total: 16.5/20

Wahlburgers (Chain)

Much like wedding rings, onion rings bring people together. The past six years of Sola Cepa have provided myriad opportunities for connection with friends and family alike, and downtown Grand Rapids has been the site for dozens of such occasions. Years ago, when I was working in downtown Grand Rapids, the opening of a new restaurant that served onion rings was a remarkable occasion, one I monitored closely.

Unfortunately, after three years of working from home full-time, these sojourns to The Big City have become fewer and farther between, though not entirely absent. In this case, the opening of the Grand Rapids location of Wahlburgers, as well as The Wife being out of town, provided the opportunity to catch up with my good friend Eric over the sweet, circular goodness that is the onion ring.

Here is a review of onion rings from Wahlburgers. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

While the menu bills these as "Thin Crispy Onion Rings," I don't think I had grasped just how thin they would be. The overflowing heap of ribbon-thin onion rings snakes out of the wired basket, cascading and hypnotically swirling between the basket and the plate. They're among the thinnest onion rings I've ever seen, and are topped with green specks of herbs.

The breading is similarly thin, so much so that I wasn't entirely sure it existed on first glance. The plating has a certain elegance, with a metal (not plastic) basket atop a napkin atop a hefty plate, though the effect is somewhat diminished by the sheer volume of onion rings.

Taste: 3.5/5

I was initially highly suspicious of these onion rings, given the small size and thin batter, but the flavor profile was surprisingly refined. Most onion rings, if made properly, are designed to deliver big bursts of flavor - the thick cuts of juicy onion, well salted greasy batter, and so on.

These onion rings were of a more subtle and understated variety, with a delicate seasoning balance between salt, herb, and batter. The thin onion strands were predictably on the lighter side, but it was consistent with the taste of the batter in a way that made sense with the size. Unfortunately, my order was slightly over salted, threatening to swallow the ecosystem of flavor entirely.

The accompanying sauce did not complement the otherwise thoughtful taste, representing some sort of unholy vinegar and tomato fusion that wasn't quite ketchup and wasn't quite Thousand Island Dressing. I think a good sauce would have made significant steps to overcome the saltiness and overall dry profile, though application was difficult given the small size of the onion rings.

Texture: 2.5/5

It's truly a remarkable feat to fry onion strings this thin without burning them to a crisp, but Wahlburgers has done so. While there's little overall moisture in the dish (owing to the small cut of the onions), the crispy onion rings remain light and airy, with the delicate batter somehow holding its shape through cooking and eating. The textural profile is fundamentally dry, with almost no onion juices to speak of, which was unfortunately not remedied by the accompanying sauce. 

Unlike many of the other dry onion rings I've eaten in my time, I think these are intentionally devoid of moisture, and to that extent it was executed within its vision, though it was still ultimately lacking. 

Value: 3/5

These onion rings are truly not onion rings at all. They feel in large part like an over-engineered gourmet burger topping that was added to the sides menu as an afterthought. They don't really work as a side and can't quite stand up as an appetizer, but it was like nothing I've ever tasted before. For $3.50 it's pricy given the quantity of onion, but it brings something new and interesting to the table. 

Total: 13/20

Red Knapp's Rochester (Rochester, MI)

On Day 2 of my one-city food tour of metropolitan Detroit, Micah, Cattandra and I went for a much needed early lunch following our wild night of debauchery (playing pool at a local billiards hall and then watching the film Hello, Dolly!). These onion rings were a major part of my reason for the trip, on the strong recommendation of Micah. Amidst a haphazard collection of vaguely Boomer-nostalgia Americana, I concluded the second and final part of my journey through the cuisine of Motor City. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Red Knapp's Rochester (Rochester, MI). 

Presentation and Appearance: 5/5

I'm immediately fascinated by these onion rings, which arrive on a rectangular metal tray covered with a sheet of wax paper. As with the décor, the presentation immediately evokes a nostalgic, classic American diner - simple, yet elegant.

The tray is well-sized for the five onion rings it contains, which are tastefully arranged and aligned. The onion rings are clearly made in-house, with a remarkable bulbousness that I've seen only rarely. They look like a larger and thicker cross section of a sphere than most onion rings, something lurking in hidden depths. Both color and coating are consistent with a somewhat dark golden brown coloring.

Taste: 4/5

The onion rings were clearly made fresh in-house, as evidenced by appearance and taste. The batter was buttery, greasy, and well-salted, and present in prodigious quantity thanks to the thickness of the onion rings. The thickness of the batter contributed to a slightly sweet taste in the interior portions, cakey in both appearance and taste.

The juicy onion flavor mixed well with the batter, with the whole bite being moist and not overly greasy. The only downside to the taste was in a handful of bites when the onion was sliced too thinly for its flavor to match up to the gargantuan batter, overpowered to more than a slight degree.

All told, the flavors are subtle and largely complementary, and the onion rings are sufficiently juicy and moist that I don't miss the absence of a dipping sauce.

Texture: 3.5/5

On holding these onion rings, they feel like they're almost alive. The tight seal of the thick batter traps a significant amount of air and moisture within the ring, making it squish and bend like the flesh of some grotesque, delicious, onion ring monster. Despite the malleability, they are texturally plump and cakey.

The batter yields surprisingly well on consumption, given its thickness, gently folding in on itself with a soft crunch. The lack of consistency with onion size strikes again, as some of the thinner sliced onions are a bit overcooked relative to the batter. For the larger slices, they were cooked just right.

Though there was no slippage, there were a few instances of shedding, most likely due to the sheer size of the onion rings. On a few of the larger rings, the trapped pocket of air fixed betwixt onion and batter made for a somewhat hollow bite, and goes a long way towards explaining the unique bulbous shape.

Value: 4/5

These onion rings were a tad pricier than the standard "$1 per ring" found for most premium onion rings, costing $6 for 5 thick, handmade onion rings. Given the size, flavor, and appearance, I still think they're a solid value, though the inconsistent sizing does hamper them from soaring to the highest heights of onion ring excellence.

Total: 16.5/20

Rochester Mills Beer Company (Rochester, MI)

Following the Great Thumb Sojourn of 2021, I felt once again animated to paint the state red with onion ring reviews. Fortunately for me, long-time Sola Cepa superfan Micah Wiersma, who also designed the Sola Cepa logo, was the architect of an impressive food tour of metropolitan Detroit, hitting two (2) locations in one (1) city, truly a tour de force of all the great city of Detroit has to offer.

Accompanied by his fiancée Cattandra (though, at time of writing, she is now his wife), we started, and ended, our journey in the city of Rochester, a fabled cosmopolitan metropolis (population 12,711). Coming from the self-proclaimed "Beer City USA" of Grand Rapids, I was intrigued to see the quality of Motor City beer, which left me bitter with disappointment and regret for ever leaving West Michigan. Thankfully for them, beer quality is completely irrelevant to the task at hand.

Here is a review of onion rings from Rochester Mills Beer Company in Rochester Mills, Michigan.

Presentation and Appearance: 2.5/5

The onion rings arrived in a heaped mass, overflowing past the edges of an oblong white plate. The consistent coating is characteristic of the mass-produced, machine-made onion ring. While unbroken and relatively consistent, it bodes poorly for both taste and texture. 

I can state with fairly high confidence by sight alone that these were one of the more popular brands of frozen onion rings, the Brew City 5/8" Beer Battered Thick Cut Onion Rings, which I've encountered several times before. As frozen onion rings go, they look about as good as they can, fried to a relatively consistent golden brown color across rings. 

The second sign of trouble was just as obvious. The onion rings were stuck together in a tangled web on the plate, whether nested inside of one another or merely adhered by some bitter fusion of batter. This was almost certainly the result of pouring the a fused heap of onion rings from a plastic bag directly into a fryer, without a care in the world. 

Taste: 2/5

Straight from the freezer onto the plate, the taste was predictably bland. My first bites gave me a hint of optimism, as the batter had a nice caramelization that complemented the drawn out sweetness of the onion. Though the batter tasted more like "decaying bark from a particularly boring tree" than anything else, Brew City alleges that the onion rings contain paprika (though only for color), onion powder, salt, "spices," and sugar.

I tasted little more than salt, although it was reasonably well salted. As the evening progressed, I tried to dip the onion ring into some of Cattandra's queso blanco dip, but honestly, all I could taste was the dip. The flavor of the onion rings, while present, was so weak that they were completely overpowered by everything else, even the thin, watery beer I was drinking to distract myself from having to eat these onion rings.

Texture: 2.5/5

The slight caramelization on the outer crust of the onion rings was something I truly didn't expect from a frozen brand, and it works well. It gives the batter a satisfying crunch without being overly burnt. Despite this, the onion rings as a whole were incredibly dry, as though all the moisture had been sucked out by whatever foul machine made this concoction. 

Within the ring, the onion was soft, but not mushy, with little onion juices present whatsoever. The dryness of the onion ring contributed to a somewhat well-developed structure, but the tightness of the rings led to some incidences of slippage. 

Value: 0.5/5

For all the many faults of these onion rings, they pale in comparison for the absolute rip-off of the price. For two handfuls or so of bagged, frozen onion rings, Rochester Mills Beer Company charged $7.95, a price almost as high as one could expect at a popular vacation destination instead of "some old building in Rochester."

The only meager point for value I will give is the quantity. There were a decent number of onion rings, but the quality and the preparation were abysmal, satiating only the basest animal instinct for a full belly. Truly a fitting overview for the experience at Rochester Mills Brewing Company as a whole - bland, hollow, overpriced, and completely lacking in any sort of personality or taste. 

Total: 7.5/20

Lefty's Diner (Caseville, MI)

As the sun rose in the east, peaking over the tip of Michigan's Thumb, I awoke in a miasmic haze of onion vapor. My constitution was not like in the annals of my youth, when I could eat onion rings for every meal for weeks on end (not that I ever did, but I'm sure it was possible). Instead, three orders of onion rings, and almost nothing else, over the course of the day wrought much devastation. 

However, my solemn pledge of Sola Cepa had not wavered. I knew I still had more work to do. The journey was not yet over, nor, indeed, could it ever be over. The quest is eternal, even as my body fades quietly, gently into oblivion, as all things must. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Lefty's Diner in Caseville, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (4/5)

The sleek, modern, rectangular plate belies the humble surroundings of the roadside diner, yet it perfectly fits both the half-pound hamburger and the generous side portion of onion rings. The rings are stacked precariously atop one another on the plate, but beneath the chaos is a deep and hidden order, a mystery known only to those who seek it.

The onion rings are large, and very clearly freshly hand battered. Despite the size, the batter seems delicate, especially towards the ends, as they curl up in a coy, lacy, elegance, marked with pockets of batter bubbles throughout. Despite the fresh and intricate batter, the onions are completely coated, with no visible cracks in the batter, although some shedding flecks are scattered on the bottom of the plate in an unappetizing pool of grease.

Taste: (4/5)

I've always found much to admire in any creative endeavor, such as making onion rings, wherein the substance matches the style. Whereas much of modern cinema has imploded in a deluge of increasingly trite social commentary and special effects, wrapped around a meaningless story with inconsequential characters, the onion rings at Lefty's Diner have a batter flavor that matches their lofty appearance.

With the first bite, the batter melts into a smooth, buttery, salty sensation. Though there is a bit too much grease (as evidence by the plating), which detracts from the flavor somewhat, the positive elements outweigh the negative. The onions likewise have a good flavor, though it pales in comparison to the batter. This can be largely attributed to the thin slice of the onions within the rings, and the onion aftertaste lasts longer than the main sensation.

Due to the moisture of these onion rings, I forgot about the dipping sauce until halfway through. The ranch was pretty good - creamy, with what seemed to be a dash of dill. The creaminess smoothed out some of the grease of the batter, though it overpowered the relatively weak onion flavor. 

Texture: (3.5/5)

There are certain clichés I fall into after five some-odd years of reviewing onion rings. One of them is the phrase "melts in your mouth" when describing the textural sensation of onion ring consumption. Though not quite soft, maintaining some rigidity and cohesiveness, the batter is delicate enough to melt in the furnace of the mouth. It's almost porous - not far off from a tempura style battering - with the main difference coming from the crusty shapes sticking up from the edge of the circle.

With a thin onion often comes a mushy texture, particularly for a batter such as this. The onions aren't quite pulverized into slurry, but they are certainly on the softer side, with surprisingly few juices. The batter is the absolute star of this dish, and at times it feels like the onion sort of slips into the background. There's a surprisingly good adhesion betwixt onion and batter, with no slippage, yet ample shedding.

Value: (4/5)

This side portion of onion rings cost $7, which at first glance may seem like a steep price to pay. However, as they were made fresh, by hand, with a terrific batter and execution in the frying, I think it's a solid value for the bite.

Total: (15.5/20)

Beaver's Pub (Bay City, MI)

Walking through the bustling metropolis of Bay City, I noticed my next destination literally across the street from Gatsby's Seafood and Steakhouse, darkened windows hiding what was beneath. I'll admit, it probably wasn't my best idea to immediately go get more onion rings to eat after consuming a whole platter - without even a chance to cleanse my palate - but I am, if nothing else, steadfastly committed to the mission of Sola Cepa. 

Unfortunately, I was about to face one of my greatest challenges to date, on par with the approximately three hours of Olympic racewalking I watched that very day, only with more physical pain and suffering. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Beaver's Pub in Bay City, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3/5)

A cursory overview of these onion rings' appearance leads me to believe these are frozen. The characteristic smoothness of a machine made onion ring, combined with a uniform coating and coloring, are all hallmark characteristics. While there are a handful of gnarled bits and pieces floating beyond the circular perimeter of the ring, there are few gaps, and all are cooked to a crisp golden brown. 

The plate they were served on was an interesting colored ceramic plate, a rarity with onion rings, that seemed almost battered itself, with adequate room for the pile of onion rings, and for the plastic cup of ranch accompanying the dish. All told, these look to be fairly appetizing, though nothing special. 

Taste: (0.5/5)

Aphorisms are a funny thing, particularly because they can be selectively applied at your discretion, much like laws in the obscenely overburdened penal code in the United States. However, I think one applies here - looks can be deceiving. While the onion rings looked fairly good, albeit artificial, the taste was a disgusting abomination. 

I'll start with the onions, which were incredibly greasy and juicy, ordinarily a good sign for onion flavor if nothing else. Despite the absurd volume of grease, there was absolutely no taste in the onions beside a vague sweetness, hinting at little more than bitter disappointment. If anything, the onion tasted like a particularly wet paper towel that may have, at one point, been used to wipe up some greasy residue from some better onion rings. 

The batter wasn't better, with little taste beyond an abundance of tasteless grease, serving as little more than a pathetic shell for the meagre bits of onion taste within. For the sake of these onion rings, I sincerely hope they were frozen, because if this represents a genuine house-made attempt, I must weep for humanity. 

Oftentimes, tasteless onion rings will try to mask the complete lack of flavor with the accompanying dipping sauce. In this case, the ranch dressing was equally tasteless, with nothing but a half-hearted creamy sensation, far too little to even call flavor. All it served to do was moisten the already dripping onion rings, a disappointing finish to a bland dish. 

Texture: (0/5)

The texture of these onion rings was sort of like eating a wet sock that somebody wadded up and fried in rancid oil. The onions, as previously mentioned, were profoundly wet, almost to the point of disintegrating into liquid. The batter was likewise soft, merging seamlessly with the sock-like onions, like some kind of soft brown exoskeleton. 

The complete lack of slippage, despite the absurdly moist onions, spoke to the homogeneity of the ring's texture. Every bite was like chewing into a greasy sponge. 

Value: (0.5/5)

This plate of tasteless, bland, wet slop would be a rip-off at any price. However, for $10, I was genuinely outraged. There's ample quantity, but the quality is not remotely worth it. The onion rings were tasteless and untextured, clearly prepared with no thought, passion, or care. 

For one of the very few times in my history of reviewing onion rings, I was completely unable to finish these onion rings, which sent me into something of an existential quandary. Why would anyone make this? Why would anyone EAT this? 

Despite staying at Beaver's Pub for several hours, consuming copious amounts of vodka tonics while watching a bunch of dudes shuffle quickly through an abandoned Tokyo street during the Summer Olympics, I wasn't even tempted to touch the remaining four onion rings. Eating nothing was preferable to putting this in my mouth. 

Total: (4/20)

Gatsby's Seafood and Steakhouse (Bay City, MI)

On a sunny afternoon in August, I began the first proper leg of my foray into the allium-based cuisine of the greater Saginaw Bay area. I found the city to be a unique mix of empty and charming, the scant tourist crowds of a midweek day blending in seamlessly with the lack of traffic in the "social drinking zone," a consequence of onerous COVID-era regulatory diktats crippling local restaurant revenue. 

Stepping into Gatsby's was like stepping back into the past - not only for its 1920s inspired decor, but also a slim reminder of a time before the rise of a petty gang of bureaucrats and regulators strangling freedom of commerce and prosperity, be they FDR or Gretchen Whitmer. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Gatsby's Seafood and Steakhouse in Bay City, Michigan . 

Presentation and Appearance: (2.5/5)

The onion rings arrived in a flattened black bowl with brown paper, which I found oddly appropriate for the intentionally cultivated atmosphere of a 1920s steakhouse. I know little of the cuisine from this time, but perhaps their onion rings were also known for inconsistent size and coloration, a haphazard mixture of darkened and shriveled rings laid with wild abandon among their larger, golden cousins. 

Despite the issues with size, the batter was fairly consistent, with the patchy elements split between the two species of onion ring. By appearance alone, it's unclear if the flaws of the onion rings are due to the poor execution of a frozen brand, or the unfortunate consequence of the hand-battering process. 

Taste: (4/5)

My first bite of an onion ring provided an immediate and shocking amount of rich, malty flavor, so much so that I was immediately convinced that they were not frozen. A closer read of the menu reveals these are "sweet onion rings dipped in malty beer batter," explaining the concentration of the malty flavor in the batter. Likewise, the batter is more sweet than savory, albeit lightly salted, a bold and fairly uncommon choice among onion rings. 

While the malty beer flavor goes well with the onion, the onion itself doesn't provide as much flavor, despite being sufficiently wet and juicy. I suspect that these onion rings were made with sweet onions, which usually lead to a less pronounced onion taste, perhaps as part of the general theme of sweet instead of savory. 

I have no idea what the accompanying dipping sauce is, with my top guesses being "ketchup," "cocktail sauce that's basically just ketchup," and "mystery sauce." For personal reasons (those reasons being "I hate ketchup"), I did not consume the onion rings with the sauce. 

Texture: (2/5)

Through some combination of factors - possibly including the beer batter, the cooked-through sweet onions, and the variate size of the rings - the onions in these onion rings were absurdly wet, almost sopping with every bite. The inconsistency of the batter - first soft, then crunchy - also brings these rings down a peg. 

If the sweetness of the rings speaks to any aspiration of a desert, the closest comparison I could think of would be an onion-flavored jelly-filled donut, except the jelly is made out of onions and the whole thing is soaked in beer. Would I eat that? Absolutely. Does that lead to the best textural sensation? No. 

Value: (2.5/5)

For $5.95, the amount of onion rings, and the handmade quality, are a reasonably good value. The unique flavor profile of the malt and the sweet onion, while somewhat lacking in onion taste, is a novel concept, which is worth trying. I think if the onion rings were of a more consistent size and cook time, they may have been a bit better, but the sweet onion is too mild to soar much higher. 

Total: (11/20)

Halo Burger (Flint, MI)

Though a lifelong resident of the Wolverine State, and a state certified expert in geography (and by that I mean I was a Michigan state finalist in the 2009 National Geographic Bee), my knowledge of the eastern portion of my home state is shrouded in the fog of mystery. Anything east of Ann Arbor, or, if I'm being generous, the Detroit Metropolitan Airport, swirls together into a haze of sameness in my mind. 

As the spirit of discovery and exploration is integral to the spirit of Sola Cepa, I resolved last week to explore new realms in search of fried and battered goodness. Incidentally, The Wife happened to be out of town for a week, and I was bored and lonely. 

With that in mind, I set off to the Saginaw Bay and Michigan's Thumb, but not before taking a stop at a regional chain, Halo Burger, in the Flint area. Thank you so Sola Cepa superfan Garrett for the suggestion. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Halo Burger. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3.5/5)

The onion rings are served in a rounded and oblong cardboard container, resting atop a double layer of proprietary paper, which is itself atop a quintessential red plastic tray. Fast food containers fascinate me, particularly when they are of irregular shape, and I believe they can elevate the dining experience. This container is no exception. An extraneous quantity of Marzetti Ranch cups fill out the rest of the still empty tray. 

The golden brown rings nestled within are breaded, possibly by hand, and appear to be thin and crispy. The coloring is consistent, though the coating has a few gaps and cracks in the facade. Much like the container, they are fairly unique, as fast food onion rings go, both with the breading and the relatively thin cut of the onions. The onion rings harken back the style of old school fast food - made fresh and, as far as I can determine, not frozen. They don't seem mass produced, and a degree of care is evident in the making. 

Taste: (3/5)

My first bite brought a pleasant wave of flavor contained in the breading - another rarity, as breaded onion rings are typically more mild in flavor than their battered siblings. It's well salted and well seasoned, with just enough grease to function as a mechanism for taste delivery. 

The onions were cut deceptively thin, especially relative to the bloom of the breading, with narrow slivers of onion hiding betwixt the crumbs. Though the circle is not broken, it is a bit thin. The onions are sweet and on the milder side, but the thin-cut makes it difficult for much flavor to permeate past the breading, with precious little onion juice intermingling with the amorphous, effluent grease. 

All told, most of the flavor for these onion rings are concentrated in the batter, though the mild taste mixes fairly well without being completely overpowering. The accompanying Marzetti Ranch added little to the flavor profile, merely serving as a vague, creamy sensation covering up the breading.

Texture: (2/5)

In some sense, breaded onion rings have a leg up on battered in terms of texture. The crumb coating tends to stick together better, leading to a more cohesive dish. Unfortunately, these systemic advantages were overshadowed by structural integrity issues in the Halo Burger onion rings. 

The thin and slippery onions, combined with a very tight breading, led to more than a few instances of slippage. While the crunch of the craggly breading was satisfying, it wasn't strong enough to hold the rings together. They were almost comically easy to break, disintegrating on a slight breeze, or an askance look. 

Value: (4.5/5)

Though there were some inherent problems in the makeup of these onion rings, they were fresh, hot, clearly made in house, and for the price of $3.19, there was more than enough for a filling snack. 

Total: 13/20

Sidetrack (Ypsilanti, MI)

Among the numerous shames in my pitifully short life is what I call the Onion Ring Graveyard. Embedded deep in my notes are a plethora of notes on onion rings throughout the nation that never quite made it to Sola Cepa, for one reason or another. 

Each of these tell a story - such as the time I was struggling into a tuxedo in a hotel room in Los Angeles before going to meet Drew Carey (true story), but not before I got onion rings from a random restaurant in downtown LA. Others are less interesting, like "I had too much beer while eating the onion rings and lost interest in taking good notes," and there are far more of these than I'd like to admit.

Today marks the first time I exhume the rotting corpse of one of the reviews long buried in the Onion Ring Graveyard, hoping desperately to breathe life into it anew. Over two years ago, with Sola Cepa superfans/my college roommates Garrett and Eric, along with Hillary (Garrett's wife), I sojourned to the Old Depot section of Ypsilanti, to the aptly named Sidetrack, to eat their onion rings. 

I wrote down extensive notes and promptly forgot about them until I went to Ypsilanti again two years later to watch a cat (shout out to Milo), and now seek to reform my dire misdeeds, albeit alone.  

Here is a review of onion rings from Sidetrack in Ypsilanti, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (4.5/5)

The onion rings arrive plated in a classic, practically quintessential, black plastic tray, with plain wax paper beneath. The simple and unassuming style allows the appearance of the rings to shine even brighter, albeit with a nearly overflowing plastic cup of ranch delicately balanced betwixt batter and barrier. 

In contrast to many onion rings, they're not served in an overflowing pile. Rather, they are tastefully plated in a delicate layer of cascading circles, bringing to mind a fried and breaded ratatouille, exclusively made from onions, and at a bar for some reason. 

The onion rings themselves are very clearly hand battered, with the telltale sign of crumbs, pock marks, and small mountains of hardened batter throughout the rings, though chiefly concentrated on the interior. The coloring is a delightful golden brown, though some of the aforementioned bits are somewhat darker in color. 

Despite the hand breading, the batter is generally smooth, and relatively consistent, with a few patchy areas on the bottom, which also covers a surprisingly large pool of grease at the bottom of the basket. 

Taste: (3.5/5)

With onion rings, there's often a standout star, whether the batter or the onion, and rarely are they both top billed. The marquee of Sidetrack's onion rings (if it existed) would be shining through the deluge of rain that evening with one, golden brown word: batter. 

Though, as mentioned above, it had some issues with excessive grease, that's usually a sign of strong flavor. This was no exception. The taste of the batter was more buttery than greasy, well seasoned with just the right amount of salt, and left a pleasant aftertaste. The onions were decidedly weaker, with a subtle, sweet sensation, possibly because the interior was just slightly undercooked, and unable to release more of the deluge of Alium flavor I so desperately crave. 

The accompanying ranch, which certainly tasted house-made, was mouthwatering, and truly excellent. The slight tang, and an even subtler kick of some unidentified spice, meshed beautifully with both the buttery batter and the sweeter onion. 

Texture: (3.5/5)

The batter continued its stardom through texture as well, combining a delicate, popcorn like crunch with something that literally melts in your mouth, dissolving almost instantaneously after each bite. The crunch is not too hard, as one might find in burnt or overcooked onion rings, nor is it too abrasive, as you might see with some thicker, breaded rings. 

Though not one-to-one, the batter reminds me in many ways of a tempura battered onion ring, particularly through the heavy grease and the pockmarks sprinkled throughout. The grease does bring the texture down somewhat, as the onion rings were almost wet at times, and not with any juices from the onion. 

The onion core again fails to stand out from the batter. It was just a little too hard, though not quite raw, making it sort of feel like a thick paper straw in your mouth. On reflection, I think the onions were deliberately undercooked, because otherwise the delicate batter would collapse in on itself like a dying, greasy star. 

Due to the undercooked onions, slippage was not present at all. However, its obscure cousin, shedding, made a few appearances, as the batter chipped off the onion rings in bits and flecks on a handful of bites. 

Value: (4/5)

$5.75 will get you nine or so homemade, medium-to-large sized onion rings, with a light, flavorful batter, albeit lacking a bit in onion taste. All told, these were of a good quality, and a more than ample quantity for a dinner for one (at least, if you're the kind of person who would just eat onion rings for dinner, like me). 

Total: (15.5/20)

Clementine's (South Haven, MI)

As the chains of Gretchen Whitmer's totalitarian lockdown policies crumble into dust around me, I have felt a renewed invigoration for pursuit of onion rings reviews. Indeed, this urge is stronger than ever before, as it's combined with almost a year and a half of pent-up demand for any experience beyond the beige walls of my apartment and sitting at my desk for a depressing number of hours per day. 

To that end, I resolved to experience more of what Michigan in the summer has to offer, both up-north and on the freshwater Lake Michigan shore. As such, on a day when The Wife was working and I should have been Cleaning the Apartment, I instead absconded to South Haven, nestled on the shores of the Black River, for a long overdue journey. Thank you to Katherine for the suggestion (literally like four years ago - sorry it took so long.) 

Here is a review of Clem's Homemade Onion rings from Clementine's in South Haven, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

Among other things, the unique presentation style of these onion rings was what first drew me to Clementine's. The menu advertises two options of onion rings - literally sold by the inch (either six inches or twelve inches). The onion rings arrived stacked atop one another, somewhat haphazardly, on a six-inch peg, with a square wooden base, along with a plate and a container of house-made ranch. 

I am a perennial sucker for purpose-built onion ring delivery mechanisms, and these pegs are no exception. Among other things, they speak to a restaurant's commitment to the art of the onion ring, as well as demonstrating their willingness to create a unique experience in their consumption. 

The onion rings themselves fall somewhat short of the lofty presentation, though they reach high into the heavens, tall and alluring, like the Alium Tower of Babel. That said, the rings are generally large, and very clearly hand battered, as evidenced by some of the patchy batter and bulbous bits coming off of the circular coating. 

The main downside of the appearance, beyond some batter coating issues, is the inconsistent coloring of the batter. Roughly half have the characteristic golden brown, but the rest are significantly darker, making me think they were overdone. 

Taste: 3/5 

Any human endeavor is fundamentally a combination of concept and execution. Conceptually, these onion rings are a slam dunk. They are house made using a traditional and long standing batter, cleverly served, and accompanied by fresh, tangy ranch dipping sauce, also made in-house. However, the execution was much more variable.

On average, these onion rings delivered a good chunk of flavor. The stand-out star of the dish was clearly the batter, which brought a soft, understated, buttery dimension to the rings. However, on the darker rings, the positives of the delicate batter were almost completely eroded by what I assume is a prolonged time in the fryer, leaving chunks of carbon in its wake. 

The onions were very thick cut, but weren't cooked long enough to really unleash the onion flavor. The underdone onion core led to a minimal onion flavor, really just a hint of sweetness, especially underwhelming when compared to the batter. Oddly, this was still a problem on the overcooked rings, as though the onion juices were cooked all the way out of ring. 

Finally, the house-made ranch was excellent. The creamy ranch, bold and tangy, accompanied the softer flavors in the batter well, without overpowering or masking it. 

Texture: 3.5/5

As with most onion rings, the texture is inevitably tied to the taste. The batter was again the highlight, buttery-smooth and melt-in-your-mouth flaky, a delicate balance between soft and crispy that managed to maintain shape and cohesion. However, the overdone rings went too far towards the crispy end, losing some of the charm. This is part of the problem with the more a delicate batter - they require a precise execution to preserve quality. 

The underdone onions made them just a little hard. They weren't quite raw, but certainly not fully cooked, which made for a curious sensation when biting into the onion rings. There were absolutely on instances of slippage, likely because of the undercooked onions. This problem persisted even among the more well-done rings, making me suspect that the onions were cut slightly too thick to work properly. 

Value: 4/5

For $6.95, I received six inches of onion rings, an unusual though intriguing measurement, just slightly over $1 per inch. There were nine onion rings, making the price-per-ring significantly below the usual $1-per-ring usually seen for premium, handmade onion rings such as these. 

Though I had some quibbles with the taste and texture, they were generally tasty, particularly for the price, and quite filling, making a more than ample lunch on their own. 

Total: 14.5/20

Fife Lake Inn (Fife Lake, MI)

After almost a year-and-a-half of petty and arbitrary tyranny, enforced by executive orders, health mandates emanating from the Michigan Department of Health and Human Services (MDHHS), and other capricious means, the state of Michigan has finally started to approach something resembling freedom - or at least, meager steps towards a partial realization of freedom. 

Though eating inside of a restaurant was occasionally legal over the past year and a half (flip flopping back and forth numerous times), something about the experience was profoundly off. Disconnected from my fellow diners, separated by distance and masks, with limited menus and limited service ruling the day. As such, I had largely shelved my onion ring reviewing.

With a new dawn rising in the Wolverine State, I felt a sudden surge of inspiration, adrenaline, and creativity that had long laid dormant inside my disquieted soul. After a refreshing dispersed camping trip on the banks of the Manistee River with The Wife, we decided to stop for lunch in the charming village of Fife Lake. 

My eyes scanned the menu eagerly, daring to dream, until finally discovering that which I had long yearned for: onion rings. 

Here is a review of onion rings from the Fife Lake Inn in Fife Lake, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Owing to a burgeoning health kick, I decided to forgo ordering an entirely separate order of onion rings with my meal, instead opting to upgrade it as a side As such, the onion rings arrived plated with my meal, slid between a pickle spear and a partially constructed pulled pork sandwich. The rings were arranged in a tasteful mound on the plain white plate, and varied widely in size. 

The relatively uniform coating usually makes me think the onion rings are frozen, as did the consistent and pleasant golden brown coloring. However, the darkened bits interspersed throughout the batter, including some spectacular brown mountains of texture, does give me some pause. All in all, these are perfectly passable, though nothing spectacular. 

Taste: 3.5/5

Perhaps my palate was primed by a weekend surrounded by bodies of water, first at the Manistee River and now overlooking Fife Lake, but my immediate first thought on biting into these onion rings was simply "wet." 

My first bite, into one of the smaller rings, brought an impressive burst of wet onion juices. The onions were clearly cooked well, if a bit overdone, as much of the onion flavor resided in juice and grease rather than in the actual onion interior. Instead, the onions added a pleasant, almost buttery burst of flavor to the juice and the batter.

While I was initially unimpressed with the batter, it slowly grew on me. The batter is well salted, providing sufficient savory flavor to balance with the almost overpowering onslaught of the slightly sweetened onion. Ultimately, these onion rings have a good taste, but lack the depth of flavor necessary for truly excellent rings. 

Texture: 4/5 

While the softened onions gave the onion rings an immense amount of onion flavor, the resulting wetness hurt their texture somewhat. Most importantly, I believe it contributed to occasional slippage throughout the dish, leaving a thin and hollow casing of batter where a wriggling worm of onion once resided. 

The batter is something of a marvel. It is simultaneously crunchy, soft, and structurally sound, which is something of an impossible trinity in the vast world of onion ring reviews, much like the significantly less complicated (and less relevant) impossible trinity in international monetary economics. 

Moreover, the batter, absent the semi-frequent slippage, works beautifully with the onion. When combined, the two practically melt on the tongue, swirling together into a perplexing menagerie, the likes of which are rarely seen. 

Value: 4/5

Typically, I gauge the value of onion rings based on their à la carte price. However, as these were a side, the price was significantly less, merely $2.99 for a satisfying side to my sandwich. The onion rings were fresh, fairly tasty, and not too expensive. 

Though I'm still not convinced if these were frozen rings one way or the other (this batter is almost too good for this to be the case), I think they're a strong value either way. 

Total: 15/20

A Tale of Two Restaurants: The Onion Ring Standard Exemplified

 Long-time readers should be familiar with my maxim of the Onion Ring Standard. It's one of the first things I wrote when starting on this grand journey, and it's the guiding philosophy for why I do this. In short, you can judge the quality of a restaurant by the quality of the onion rings they make, serving as a proxy for any number of things. 

In the past four years, I haven't seen it fail. 

On my recent whistlestop tour of Mackinac Island to celebrate my first anniversary with The Wife, I took the opportunity to sample the island's onion rings. In addition to posting my reviews here on Sola Cepa, I also post a somewhat truncated version on Google Maps. 

Though it is rare, restaurant owners and/or staff have occasionally replied to these reviews. Two of the eateries I reviewed on Mackinac Island, Cannonball Inn & Catering and Ice House BBQ, happened to do so. The responses to these reviews, in addition to the onion rings themselves, help to illustrate the strength and utility of the Onion Ring Standard. I'll address them in turn. 

Cannonball Inn & Catering was, simply put, awful. The onion rings were clearly frozen, poorly and inconsistently prepared, completely tasteless, and with a texture so abominable that I wasn't sure it counted as food. I go into more depth in the review, linked above, but you get the idea. They were bad. Ergo, following the Onion Ring Standard, the values could be easily translated to the restaurant itself. 

That is, Cannonball Inn & Catering as a whole probably used mostly frozen ingredients, put no time, effort, or care into preparing it, and took advantage of being the only restaurant on the entire north side of Mackinac Island to serve garbage. 

I think the response from the owner, and the attitude it represents, helps explain why. Here's what they said on Google Maps (see screenshot below): "Sorry you didn't enjoy, after reading your novel I have come to the conclusion that you need psychiatric help. Enjoy your time on the island."

A similar response awaited me on a Facebook review (see screenshot below): "Once again I will reiterate that after reading your 5 chapter Novel about the onion rings I think you need help."

Just as the onion rings revealed that Cannonball Inn was cheap, tasteless, and poorly prepared, the review responses reveal a lot about the restaurant owners and management. In response to a negative review, their first instincts were to:

1. Insult the customer;
2. Imply someone who doesn't like their food needs psychiatric help;
3. Demonstrate that they don't know what a novel is, since they think 600 words constitutes a "5 chapter novel;"
4. Double-down when presented with the opportunity to do so. 

That response tells me a few things. First, they care so little about the food that they're baffled when somebody reviews it in earnest. Second, their management style eschews even the appearance of introspection, instead lashing out in anger when someone doesn't like it. Lastly, they have an enormous amount of arrogance and no humility. 

In a sense, the response helps further explain just why the onion rings were so terrible. 

Ice House BBQ, on the other hand, was a pleasant change of pace. The onion rings were clearly hand breaded (with Panko) and hand-cut, thoughtfully prepared, and pleasantly seasoned. Served with a house-made unique dipping sauce, the onion rings said loud and clear that this is a restaurant that cares enough to make things by hand, to pay attention when they prepare things, and to put actual thought into their menu and recipes. 

Like with Cannonball, the owner's response helps explain why (see screenshot below): "5-stars for this review! Your entertaining and educational recount of Ice House BBQ onion ring experience kept us on the edge of our seats 'til the very end. Thank you for sharing your unbiased expertise as well as any exceptional talent for storytelling." 

Since I know someone is probably thinking it, I'm not just singling out this review for their flattery of my prowess. Instead, I want to emphasize how this reinforces the onion ring quality of Ice House BBQ. 

When encountered with a positive and passionate review, they responded in kind. Rather than a simple "Thanks!" or "Glad you enjoyed!", they took the time and forethought to point our particulars from the review, and (at least on the surface) showed a genuine appreciation for my taking the time to earnestly review their food. 

That tells me a few things, like:

1. Ownership and management sincerely care about putting out quality food;
2. They pay attention to their reviews enough to respond within a day or so of my posting it, meaning they're open to feedback and want to continually improve; 
3. They have a good enough understanding of hospitality and customer service to care about how they respond to even the most casual reviews, and how that might come across to anyone reading their Google Maps page;

As with Cannonball, the response of Ice House BBQ helps to explain why the onion rings were good. They were made by people who care, take pride in their work, and want to genuinely provide a good experience to their customers. 

It's a tale of two onion rings. If you were biking across Mackinac Island, and all you knew was the response to my reviews, which place would you go to? Which place would you think has better onion rings? 

I know my pick. 

Sola Cepa.