Rochester Mills Beer Company (Rochester, MI)

Following the Great Thumb Sojourn of 2021, I felt once again animated to paint the state red with onion ring reviews. Fortunately for me, long-time Sola Cepa superfan Micah Wiersma, who also designed the Sola Cepa logo, was the architect of an impressive food tour of metropolitan Detroit, hitting two (2) locations in one (1) city, truly a tour de force of all the great city of Detroit has to offer.

Accompanied by his fiancée Cattandra (though, at time of writing, she is now his wife), we started, and ended, our journey in the city of Rochester, a fabled cosmopolitan metropolis (population 12,711). Coming from the self-proclaimed "Beer City USA" of Grand Rapids, I was intrigued to see the quality of Motor City beer, which left me bitter with disappointment and regret for ever leaving West Michigan. Thankfully for them, beer quality is completely irrelevant to the task at hand.

Here is a review of onion rings from Rochester Mills Beer Company in Rochester Mills, Michigan.

Presentation and Appearance: 2.5/5

The onion rings arrived in a heaped mass, overflowing past the edges of an oblong white plate. The consistent coating is characteristic of the mass-produced, machine-made onion ring. While unbroken and relatively consistent, it bodes poorly for both taste and texture. 

I can state with fairly high confidence by sight alone that these were one of the more popular brands of frozen onion rings, the Brew City 5/8" Beer Battered Thick Cut Onion Rings, which I've encountered several times before. As frozen onion rings go, they look about as good as they can, fried to a relatively consistent golden brown color across rings. 

The second sign of trouble was just as obvious. The onion rings were stuck together in a tangled web on the plate, whether nested inside of one another or merely adhered by some bitter fusion of batter. This was almost certainly the result of pouring the a fused heap of onion rings from a plastic bag directly into a fryer, without a care in the world. 

Taste: 2/5

Straight from the freezer onto the plate, the taste was predictably bland. My first bites gave me a hint of optimism, as the batter had a nice caramelization that complemented the drawn out sweetness of the onion. Though the batter tasted more like "decaying bark from a particularly boring tree" than anything else, Brew City alleges that the onion rings contain paprika (though only for color), onion powder, salt, "spices," and sugar.

I tasted little more than salt, although it was reasonably well salted. As the evening progressed, I tried to dip the onion ring into some of Cattandra's queso blanco dip, but honestly, all I could taste was the dip. The flavor of the onion rings, while present, was so weak that they were completely overpowered by everything else, even the thin, watery beer I was drinking to distract myself from having to eat these onion rings.

Texture: 2.5/5

The slight caramelization on the outer crust of the onion rings was something I truly didn't expect from a frozen brand, and it works well. It gives the batter a satisfying crunch without being overly burnt. Despite this, the onion rings as a whole were incredibly dry, as though all the moisture had been sucked out by whatever foul machine made this concoction. 

Within the ring, the onion was soft, but not mushy, with little onion juices present whatsoever. The dryness of the onion ring contributed to a somewhat well-developed structure, but the tightness of the rings led to some incidences of slippage. 

Value: 0.5/5

For all the many faults of these onion rings, they pale in comparison for the absolute rip-off of the price. For two handfuls or so of bagged, frozen onion rings, Rochester Mills Beer Company charged $7.95, a price almost as high as one could expect at a popular vacation destination instead of "some old building in Rochester."

The only meager point for value I will give is the quantity. There were a decent number of onion rings, but the quality and the preparation were abysmal, satiating only the basest animal instinct for a full belly. Truly a fitting overview for the experience at Rochester Mills Brewing Company as a whole - bland, hollow, overpriced, and completely lacking in any sort of personality or taste. 

Total: 7.5/20