Grand Coney (Grand Rapids, MI)

A familiar pattern has emerged in my life, in the just-over-two years I've been in the full-time work force. Essentially, the last four months of the year are by far the busiest for me, and it only accelerates as the year slips by. Sometimes, it bleeds into January. 

Not coincidentally, I haven't published a review since October. 

I thank you, dear reader, for you patience. Without further ado, here is a review of onion rings from Grand Coney in Grand Rapids, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3/5)

My eyes are immediately drawn to the unique style of dish that the onion rings arrive in. They are a cut above the plain white plate, and of an entirely different character than the plastic baskets lined with a modicum of greasy waxed paper. It is oblong and mysterious, not unlike an albino, open-faced banana peel.

Within this peel, however, one finds a reasonable portion of crispy onion rings, rather than the pale and smooth flesh of a banana. The onion rings seem fairly consistently breaded, almost to a fault, as it suggests either a ruthlessly efficient mass production in a kitchen (which, I admit, is possible), or the far more likely fruit of a frozen bag.

A ramekin of zesty sauce was delicately balanced within the oblong dish, striking me more as a bold artistic statement on the fragility of civilization than an optimal placement for sauce.

Taste: (3.5/5)

My initial suspicion of frozen rings seem to have hit a snag, as the onion rings ooze with a robust taste of butter and grease, coming from the core of a well-cooked onion. While possible in frozen rings, it is exceedingly rare. The batter is well seasoned, and is cooked to a delicate crisp without being overdone.

Though the zesty sauce was precarious, it delivered a solid complement to the flavors of the onion ring. All told, I have no major complaints about the taste, but it was missing a little bit of the "wow" factor necessary to take it to the next level.

Texture: (4/5)

Typically, the taste and texture of an onion ring are intimately related, and understanding one provides crucial hints to the other. In this case, the maxim holds true. With a good volume of onion-derived grease pouring out in each bite, I could safely determine (and confirm with subsequent bites) that the onions were well cooked. That is to say, not too overdone as to be mushy, and not so underdone as to be raw.

Likewise, the batter hits the right notes between a burnt husk and a soft circle of raw better. There is some slippage, but not much. As with taste, the texture didn't quite hit all the right notes, but it was singing the right song.

Value: (3/5)

Though the onion rings are solid in both taste and texture, the quantity leaves a bit to be desired for the price. At $5 for the mystery dish mounded with onion rings, they don't quite manage to rise to perfection, but it's a good bite at a good price.

Total: 13.5/20

Meet the Local Guide who’s the king of onion rings on Google Maps (October 25, 2018)

On October 25, 2018, I was interviewed by the Google Local Guides team on my robust set of onion ring reviews. You can read the whole interview here, and it is reproduced below.

I should note they cut the numerous mentions of Sola Cepa in the published interview, but alas.

Scroll through Tyler Groenendal’s profile on Google Maps and you’ll immediately notice one thing: the guy is really, really passionate about onion rings. He’s written 47 detailed reviews about them at places across the U.S. With his “Onion Ring Standard,” Tyler has definitely found a way to make his reviews stand out—and just in time for National Greasy Foods Day!

To celebrate this fun U.S. holiday, we spoke with Tyler to learn more about what it’s like to be an expert onion ring reviewer, his tongue-in-cheek approach to food reviews and his tips on what makes a food review great.

You seem very passionate about onion rings! Can you share more about that?

My interest in onion rings began in college, when I started to notice a correlation. Restaurants that produced good onion rings tended to be good at making other sorts of food. Gradually, this developed into a system of thought, one that I call the “Onion Ring Standard.” The theory goes that onion rings are simple, and easy to cheap out on—either in quality of ingredients or prep time—and still be passable, from the perspective of most people. However, if a restaurant goes to the trouble of hand-making onion rings, in a quality way with quality ingredients, it's indicative as to the effort they put into the rest of the menu.                                                     

What inspired you to start writing reviews on Google Maps?

Google Maps provided the largest immediate platform where my reviews of onion rings could impact and inform the most people.

What information do you think is important to include in your reviews of onion rings?

I review based on four broad categories.

Presentation and appearance — takes into account the plating, the quality of the batter, the color, and so on.

Taste — looks at the overall taste of the onion itself, the breading or batter and any accompanying dipping sauce.

Texture — looks at the overall mouthfeel, the crunchiness of the batter, the mushiness of the onions and so on. This category also accounts for overall structural integrity.

Value—Given the quality and quantity of the onion rings, and the price I paid for them, does it match up to be a good value?


Finally, a picture of the onion rings, as they look when they arrive, plated, at my table, is essential.

What do you look for in the perfect onion ring?

Generally speaking, though not exclusively, a perfect onion ring will consist of a thickly cut onion (both tall and wide), a consistent beer battering or more traditional breading, with both the onion and batter fried to an optimal texture and color. That is, they aren't overdone, the onions aren't mushy or too raw, the batter is cooked through, but not burned and the parts aren't separable. Separability of parts is the biggest plague in the world of onion rings today.

What do great onion rings tell you about the restaurant you ordered them from?

Essentially, great onion rings tell me that the restaurant puts time and care into even the most mundane dishes. I view onion rings as a proxy for the quality of any given restaurant.

What do you hope people learn or feel when they see your reviews and photos on Google Maps?

First and foremost, I hope that people learn about what (in my opinion, at least) constitutes a good onion ring, and whether or not the onion rings at these particular restaurants correspond to that. The onion ring reviews are written in a unique tone I've developed over the past two years. It's simultaneously tongue-in-cheek and completely serious. The "joke," if there is one, is that I treat this with the utmost care and precision. The hyperbolic nature of the language of the reviews plays into that. Fundamentally, I want people to feel entertained and enlightened at the same time.

What information do you wish more people included in their reviews?

I wish more people included the value. It's not enough for me to just know the food was "good" or "alright.” How did it match up to what you paid for it?

Do you have any tips for writing more helpful reviews?

Just like in business, where the ultimate decider is the consumer, so too with reviews. What does your audience want? This will vary wildly from venue, to type of location and even geographic location. Don't be afraid to be in-depth. I think a lot of people are content to slam a few sentences down and call it a day. If you write something quality, even if it's long, they WILL read it.

Anything else you'd like to add?

Only an appeal to all the restaurants of the world, or at least those that make onion rings. There are two great scourges to this particular cuisine, among many. The first, which I've dubbed "slippage," occurs when a loose piece of onion slides out of the breading or batter, leading to a pile of greasy batter in one hand, and a mushed up onion on my plate. The second, similarly dubbed "shedding," is the reverse, wherein the onion remains solid, but the breading or batter chips off, is rarer, though equally negative.

Beyond that, I think that too many restaurants use dipping sauce as a crutch. If you have sub-par onion rings with a pretty good ranch or zesty sauce, ultimately, the sauce merely serves to mask the (lack of) flavor in the onion rings. In extreme cases, the onion rings serve as little more than a vehicle for a delicious sauce.

Chubby's Bar & Grill (Wyoming, MI)

Among the many qualities I find desirable about Chubby's Bar & Grill is proximity. A short drive from my abode, it's close enough to go to on a whim and, in dire circumstances, meander home after enjoying a variety of adult beverages. Despite its wide array of potables, I was drawn to Chubby's one fateful night with a singular purpose: to determine if they had any onion rings.

They did.

Here's a review of onion rings from Chubby's Bar & Grill

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Bucking the trend of smaller bowls, more rings, the onion rings arrive in a white bowl that's just slightly too big to accommodate the somewhat meager helping of onion rings. Served with a black plastic cup of southwest ranch, that mysterious sauce that's simultaneously proprietary and ubiquitous, the plating isn't wowing, but neither is it jarring.

The onion rings themselves are a different story. In my many (or, 2) years of reviewing onion rings, I've never seen an onion ring with such a pattern on the breading. The rings are characterized by dark brown stripes occurring at regular intervals along the edge, emanating out from the center of the ring. They look vaguely like grill marks, but on further inspection, I think they're more likely to be some sort of sauce added on near the end of frying. Their breading is fairly consistent, though the size is variate. The only other observation of note is the total fusion of two onion rings within one another, perhaps a meta-commentary on the dual nature of the color due to the stripes.

Taste: 3/5

Though the onions are cut a little thin, especially given the quantity of the rings, they were able to provide a sizeable amount of onion flavor. As may be expected at a bar, they're accompanied by a decent amount of grease, though it's not tremendously overwhelming.

The most fascinating part of these onion rings is no doubt tied to their unique striped appearance. Throughout the batter, and mixing in with the whole of the onion ring, there is a subtle, but ever present, tang. It's like a particular seasoning was mixed in with the batter, lending credence to my secondary theory of a sauce of some kind added to the batter after frying. The tang leads to a slightly sweet, and unidentified (even to my exclusively-refined-in-the-world-of-onion rings taste buds) taste, but it's a fascinating innovation. Additionally, the southwest ranch serves as a creamy complement to the uniquely sweet onion rings.

While the rings have a unique taste, the tang isn't always pleasant, and is attractive more for its innovation and mystery than flavor.

Texture: 3.5/5

Much like the humble and invasive zebra mussel, these striped onion rings have a crunchy and hardened exterior. Though I've never eaten a zebra mussel (indeed, my main interaction with them comes from an unfortunate incident with a bloody toe in Green Lake), I like to imagine they are moist and juicy on the inside, with a strong hint of onion.

If that turns out to not be the case, at least these onion rings are. The onions are cooked well, with a slight pliability and moistness without careening towards mush, and they complement the firm crunch of the batter.

Unfortunately, much like a zebra mussel, slippage of the interior parts to the outside are a negative. Slippage was all too common in these onion rings, with many a ring dissolving in a pile of onion and batter, which worked oh so well together.

Value: 3.5/5

Though innovative and well put together (barring the numerous counts of slippage), the price of $2.99 is a little too steep for so few onion rings. That said, they were largely good, if not great, and delivered not only a unique appearance, but a fascinating tang that I've still yet to unveil.

Total: 13/20

Brann's Steakhouse & Grille (Grand Rapids, MI)

My muse is not a spout that can be turned on at will. Though the occasions are few, there are times when, despite being at a new eatery ripe with onion ring potential, I don't feel the call of the Allium in my bones. Thankfully for you, dear reader, I was bolstered by a stalwart compatriot in the world of liberty (and Sola Cepa fandom, for which I imagine there is a non-zero overlap) to order and consume these onion rings on a wholly unrelated occasion.

Here is a review of onion rings from Brann's Steakhouse & Grille. My companions were too many to name, but you know who you are.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Coated in a reasonably consistent covering of golden brown batter, these onion rings are marred immediately by a somewhat patchy breading. While they appear smooth at first blush, the gaps in the batter portend grave danger just ahead. Even from a distance vantage point, I can see the thin sheen of grease peaking over and among the rings. 

The presentation is roughly standard for bar fare. Plain white wax paper lines a reasonably good facade of a basket (made of plastic, but designed to vaguely resemble wicker). The onion rings don't quite fill the container, making the portion size seem more scanty than it otherwise would. The haphazard toss of a plastic container of the purported "Bistro Sauce," which, to the best of my limited knowledge, doesn't resemble in any way, shape, or form what one would get in a bistro, speaks to an apathetic lack of care in the plating.

Taste: 3/5

The batter, though delicately coated in a fine mist of grease, characteristic of the morning dew on a cool Spring day, holds a delicate and light flavor. Seasoned with a pinch-and-a-half of salt, it manages to approximate a sweet-spot between "bland pile of batter" and "explosion of every spice in the kitchen." Generally, I prefer a more flavorful batter, but I felt the mild taste worked well for these onion rings.

This may have been helped by the utter tastelessness of the onions. Though the onions were sufficiently soft to release flavor, very little of it made its way through the light batter. Indeed, the slight seasoning on the surrounding batter was enough to overpower the onion. 

However, both were not just blown out of the water, but set on fire, capsized, and collapsed to the bottom of the sea by the "Bistro Sauce." While I'm generally a fan of strong flavor, this sauce completely and utterly overpowered any hint of flavor in the other two primary components of the onion rings. While it delivered a unique tang, that tang marked the death knell of both batter and onion. 

Texture: 1.5/5

The standard Sola Cepa review, to the astute reader, is a mess of foreshadowing. Issues that crop up in Presentation and Appearance and Taste should signal (at least, to an onion ring expert) further issues in texture. The onion rings here are no exception. 

The softly cooked onions, while flavorless, generally could score some points on texture. However, when combined with the delicate batter, the inevitable result is iteration after iteration of slippage. The underlying texture of these onion rings was, in one word, weak. The batter falls apart as strands of what was once an onion ring slip out into the void. Integrity is gone. Peace is lost. 

Value: 2/5

$3.00 nets a meager portion of onion rings, drowning in an overpowering Bistro Sauce and ready to crumble at the slightest provocation. They were mildly filling, and looked pretty, but that's about the size of it. 

Total: 9.5/20

The Golden Egg (Ypsilanti, MI)

Onion rings are renowned for many things, not the least of which their mystical healing and therapeutic properties. For those that doubt this maxim, I would highly recommend consuming a hearty plate of onion rings after a (presumably) energetic wedding reception after an unknown quantity of gin and tonics.

Thankfully, on that fateful post-wedding reception morning, I received a timely invitation to brunch by my good friend Shelby. Joined by Eric, we journeyed to the Golden Egg for brunch, which thankfully had the mighty golden rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from The Golden Egg.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Diner-style restaurants aren't where one goes for refined presentation, and the Golden Egg is no exception. My onion rings are served without glamour on a mildly interesting plate (with a variety of colored rings emblazoned on the surface), in a fairly standard heap. They appear to be thin cut, while remaining hand battered, and are a bit on the darker side of golden brown. 

Hidden beneath the mound are two cracked rings, and one can detect a handful of cracks in the batter sprinkled throughout. Beyond these minor issues, however, the appearance of these onion rings have no glaring flaws. 

Taste: 4.5/5

Onion ring deception is typically one of my greatest foes, comparable to state-funded business subsidies and my latent fear of dying of an infected wound in a post-collapse society, but in this case, the deception works to these onion rings' advantage. While fairly unassuming and thin in appearance, they deliver a wallop of flavor in both onion and batter. 

The sole flaw in flavor comes from the slight char on some bits of batter. Beyond that, the batter is seasoned congruently with the flavor of the onion. While most of what I get is salt, the ever eternal friend to onion and batter alike, it provides a reasonable and seasonable bite.

Surprisingly for the small size of the onion rings, the onion flavor shines through like the sun, peeking through an oddly colored brown cloud. Cooked to deliver a maximum of flavor, another rare feat, given the thin cut, the juices intermingle freely with the salty batter, without delivering an excess of juice or grease. 

Texture: 3/5

For all the strengths in flavor, the textural mishaps of these onion rings are numerous. The root of the problem, in another bizarre twist from the norm, is that the core of the onion and the batter are too adhesive towards each other. It's almost as if all the juices which provided terrific flavor act as a sealant between the onion and the batter as well. 

This has the unintended consequence of slippage, as the stickiness requires a more forceful bite, prompting a more destructive decay of the onion interior, spiraling out of control. Beyond the issue of sheer inseparability, the batter actually has a unique texture, probably imbued with a dose of cornmeal or some other thickening agent. The onion, too, is cooked well enough to be slick but not mushy. 

The problem is that the components don't swirl together into a cohesive whole, but rather wail against each other in a dissonant and confusing mess. 

Value: 4/5

Typically, smaller, thinly cut onion rings come at a lighter price point. Thus, the price of $3.29 initially gave me pause. However, given the well above average taste, decent quantity, and hand-battered nature of the rings, I think they deliver a solid value for the price. I would have liked just a few more to put it over the top, however. 

Total: 15/20

Ashley's (Ann Arbor, MI)

I can't think of any celebration that can't be enhanced by copious amounts of fried and battered onions, preferably in a circular form. This maxim proved its weight at a recent bachelor party/Bacchanalia in Ann Arbor, where I was joined by groom-to-be Garrett, fellow groomsman (to-be) Eric, and a ruckus-rousing Luke and Davy, where a healthy infusion of grease and batter made a fun night even better.

Here's a review of onion rings from Ashley's in Ann Arbor. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

The onion rings arrive in a bowl too small to fit the moderate amount of rings, a fairly traditional tactic to trick a less discerning onion ring consumer into thinking they got a good deal. The brown paper, a slight departure from the archetypal white, jauntily fits in the white bowl, perhaps symbolizing the robust spirit of the locale. 

The first and most immediate impression of the onion rings is color. They are fried to a crisp golden brown, without the characteristic darkness of overfrying. They also appear pleasantly plumb, usually a good sign of latent onion juices, or sufficiently thick cut onions, so as to deliver a better flavor. While the color is good, the batter seems inconsistently applied, though it's clearly by hand. Chunks of better ebb and flow, like some cosmic goo, off of the onion rings, with a moderate cracking accompanying the ooze. 

Taste: 2.5/5

As may be expected with bar food, these onion rings were greasier than the norm. The plain looking batter was well-seasoned, and was responsible for most of the non-grease flavor, of which there was precious little. 

Despite the plump appearance of the rings, the onion taste was mild to a fault. While other rings manage to get the grease to flow with the onion juices, making the grease into an asset, these fail to make the same transformation, leaving the grease as a pale reminder of the things that were once good in life. 

Texture: 3/5

The dominant factor of these onion rings, whether through taste, texture, or appearance, is undoubtedly the batter. Its thickness and integrity give it something resembling a shell, reminding me of a greasy lobster at my local lobster shack. The shell was thick and crunchy, resounding with a solid thwack on each bite. 

The inner onion was cooked down to a vaguely onion flavored paste, making the lack of strong onion taste even more bizarre. Such a weak onion made the plague of slippage come back with a vengeance, infecting the table, the plate, the bowl my shirt, and my pride before finally being vanquished by me running out of onion rings to eat. 

Value: 3.5/5

For a price of $4.00, I got a bowl of onion rings roughly middling in most respects, including both taste and quantity. For that price, it's steadily creeping up on premium, at a not-quite premium quality. That said, it was a filling side portion accompanying my pretentious beer flight and slightly less pretentious chicken sandwich. I've paid a lot more for a lot less. 

Total: 13/20

The Varsity (Atlanta, GA)

Time, as they say, is a flat circle. I recently journeyed once again to a city that changed my life. Sola Cepa first began in Atlanta almost two years ago, and I relished the opportunity to revisit my great muse and discover more of what it had to offer. After wandering semi-aimlessly through the exceedingly hot streets of Atlanta, far beyond the confines of my hotel room, I eventually arrived at my destination; the (purportedly) legendary The Varsity.

Here's a review of onion rings from the Varsity. Thanks to Trey D. for the suggestion.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Taken without context, a paper plate, accompanied by plastic cutlery, atop a school-grade red plastic tray, with a delicate cardboard carton on top, doesn't scream haute cuisine. I have found, however, through extensive experimentation, that onion rings don't really follow the traditional norms of plating. The casual style of presentation simultaneously evokes nostalgia and ease, settling one in for an immediate sense of comfort food.

The onion rings expand beyond the small carton elegantly, like a delicately crafted bonsai tree sprouting from its earthen mold. Each ring is delicately and tightly packed almost perfectly into the carton, forming a neat row of consecutive circles, of a shockingly uniform thickness.

Though the presentation is stellar, the onion rings do lack something in appearance. The inconsistent battering, filled with dozens of scrappy spirals of batter schlepping beyond the circle, does clearly indicate a hand-made batter, but perhaps one mass produced in the back of house. It's nothing hugely sinking, but it does leave something to be desired in terms of care and precision.

Taste: 4/5

Bursts of flavor coalesce from a fusion of the batter and the onion. The house-made batter was seasoned just right, with just the right mix of salt and other spices. The batter is peppered with flecks of black pepper, adding a good bit of color in the otherwise brown batter. When mixed with the onion flavor, it's smooth and buttery.

Onion-wise, the cook time is such that the onions yield a solid mixture of grease and juices, without devolving into a wet, sopping mess. The thin film of grease fits the flavor well, and complements both the batter and the onion.

The main mark against flavor comes from a lack of oomph. The parts that make up solid taste are there, but they can't quite make it to the next level. I suspect, in large part, this is due to their mass-production. Made in small batches, with perhaps a little more time, they could soar to the peaks of the mountains of flavor, ascending like the eagle of proper food preparation, before resting on the nest of cohesive production.

Texture: 3/5

I suspect the Varsity, being the well-oiled machine of food production that it is, has the fry time of onion rings down to a near exact science. The onions, as they were in taste, are the start of the texture of this dish. It's the Golden Mean of onion texture, with the perfect position on the sliding scale of firm to mushy. It has enough give to yield juice and flavor, but is firm enough to maintain shape under duress.

The batter, despite the heavy taste, is delicate, and flaky. Though the onions are cooked to perfection, the slightly-too-thin layer of the batter became a bit too crispy, with some rings bordering on burnt.

Carl Menger thought that the first facet of economic analysis was understanding cause and effect. Though I'm loath to compare my meager reviews to the beauty of economics, I think an apt comparison can be drawn to cause and effect. Because the batter was weak, and coated relatively lightly, while subjected to too long of a time in the fryer, shedding seems to be the natural consequence. Flecks of batter chipped off the structurally sound onion, falling onto the sea of of the red tray below me.

Value: 5/5

Value is among the hardest things to quantify, as it relies so strongly on a heavily subjective and personal understanding. That said, for $2.20, these onion rings are a grand slam. For a none-too-tidy sum, you get a dense carton of thick rings, at a perfect meal sized quantity with above average taste and texture. These onion rings are a grand value any day of the week.

Total: 15.5/20