Tucanos Brazilian Grill (Colorado Springs, CO)

Among the many vacation activities I've taken in Colorado Springs to date, up to and including driving up what I considered to be a mountain, but was later informed it was a "small foothill" of "only" 8,000 feet or so, I was treated to a late birthday dinner by my girlfriend, Allegra. Despite being a Brazilian grill, Tucanos seemed to my American mind like a beautiful dream, where staff wandered about with various skewered meats and served them to your table every few minutes, with a massive and fully stocked salad bar.

In addition to eating enough calories for the next three days or so, we split an order of the Onion Tropical, the closest thing I could find to onion rings at Tucanos Brazilian Grill.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Given that I've never heard of a "tropical onion" before, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. Per the menu, they are "seasoned sweet onion straws", which are functionally chopped up onion rings, of variate size and thickness. The presentation is not necessarily neat, but I don't think it's intended to be. Various mounds of the onion straws surround a central bowl (of tropical mango dipping sauce), with a mystery powder substance on top, (which my dinner companion later correctly identified as parmesan.)

The festive platter is fitting for the venue, makes for an inviting dish, and facilitates easy sharing. The appearance of the onion straws, while interesting, do lack a certain consistency in batter covering, and the variate size can make the appearance a little messy. They are certainly exciting, but they do lack a certain quality of refined presentation.

Taste: 4.5/5

I was already a bit disoriented when the tropical onion straws arrived, perhaps by the copious amounts of various Brazilian meat dishes that had already come to the table. The unusual presentation only increased my uncertainty: what would these taste like?

Most good onion rings have a strong onion flavor as a necessary component of the taste. These tropical onion straws, however, had an incredibly mild onion taste, a reflection of the sweet onions they were made from. Further exploration revealed that every component of the plate, from the batter, to the thick mango glaze, to the gentle sprinkling of parmesan and other sweet and savory bits on top of the straws, were deliberately structured to provide a cohesive taste.

That taste was sweet, which floored me. Onion rings are typically a greasy and a savory dish, two things which I love, but this was neither. Though there was some grease, as is to be expected with anything fried, the taste was overpowered by the strength of the sweet onions and the batter. The accompanying tropical mango sauce was thick and syrupy, almost like a glaze, and dripped and slid slowly down each straw on consumption.

Tucanos has revealed an entirely new world of fried onions to me, revealing an inner sweetness (through the sweet onions) that I never thought possible. The Tropical Onion was billed as an appetizer, but in truth, I would consider this an excellent dessert. Somehow, they have devised a way to turn fried onions into a mild and sweet dessert dish, displaying an entirely new dimension in the constantly evolving world of fried onion concoctions.

I've docked a half a point solely for inconsistency in flavor that resulted from the variation in cut and thickness of the sweet onions.

Texture: 3.5/5

As alluded to above, these had a soft and flaky texture, almost pastry like, which contributed to my classification of this dish as a dessert, rather than a traditional appetizer. Despite the softness, the batter still delivered a sufficient crunch, without being mind-blowing. There were no instances of slippage, but I believe the choice of onion straws made this an easy task to fulfill.

That said, the flakiness of the batter often led to bits and crumbles falling off on consumption, an unfortunate consequence of the bold experiments of flavor.

Value: 5/5

For a mere $4.99, we received a truly massive platter of the onion straws. For what may be a Sola Cepa first, we were completely unable to finish the full plate, which is certainly a consequence of the massive amounts of other food we ate that night.

That said, I can think of no complaints for either the quantity of the tropical onion straws we received that night, and it was worth every penny.

Total: 16.5/20

Carl's Jr. (Everywhere)

I have always intended Sola Cepa to be a project of national scope, criss-crossing the United States in search of onion ring perfection. While on vacation to visit my girlfriend and her family in Colorado Springs, I saw a perfect opportunity to dramatically expand the geographic diversity and scope of Sola Cepa, and immediately set about on a plan of attack and engagement with a number of eateries in the region who had onion rings.

I did, however, start small. Here's a review of onion rings from Carl's Jr. from a Colorado Springs location. Thank you to Jack Shannon for the suggestion.

Presentation and Appearance: 2/5

While I haven't reviewed any fast-food onion rings in many moons, I'm familiar enough with the scene to know the standard protocol, and the presentation for the onion rings from Carl's Jr. fits the bill. A haphazardly filled and strewn cardboard container, resting atop a plastic tray, is literally overflowing with the onion rings. The plating is characteristically rushed, and undertaken without great care, but, again, I know what the standard for fast food places are. 

The appearance of the onion rings is a mixed bag. Most onion rings in the box have some deformity or another, typically a cracked of fraying batter, with pale shadows of onions shining from deep within the recesses of the box. Their structural integrity, even at this cursory glance, seems to be clearly unstable. A handful of rings were solid, consistent, and not cracked, but this was not the norm. 

Taste: 3/5

The breading for onion rings is often a tricky thing to get right, particularly in terms of flavor and seasoning. Many restaurants throw in the towel and substitute flavor for copious amounts of grease, desperately masquerading as the flavor that onion ring lovers so badly need.

Not so with Carl's Jr. The batter on these onion rings had extraordinary seasoning, characterized by bold and daring flavor. With nary a hint of excessive grease (which did make the onion rings more than a little dry), my first bite revealed healthy doses of salt, pepper, and hints of something greater and more elaborate. This coating was among the finest seasoned onion rings I've had the pleasure to sample, which is a mark in its favor.

Unfortunately, the onion didn't measure up with the strength of the batter. As I could already tell from the cracked batter, the onions were paper-thin, nearly translucent, and with a weak ,underwhelming flavor to match. For all the flavor of the breading, I failed to detect hardly a hint of onion flavor within.

The accompanying ranch sauce perks up the onion rings more than a bit, with the cooler ranch flavors serving as a fitting complement to the bold spices of the onion rings. Anecdotally, I'm almost certain that this is the exact recipe of ranch dipping sauce that Wendy's used one or two iterations of ranch sauce ago, but I can't be certain. 

Texture: 2.5/5

As with taste, the texture is a bizarrely mixed bag. The breading had a robust and satisfying crunch, which was maintained under heavy scrutiny (and chewing). Unfortunately, this is the high-mark of the texture. 

The mostly non-existent onions had a weak texture, as would be expected. Most rings had barely a sliver of onion in tem, and those that did fell prey to an impressive amount of slippage, facilitated by the already half-disintegrated onion ring batter. I occasionally got bites of onions that were tough and yellowed, as though fried to so great an extent that they passed the overcooked and mushy stage of the onion all the way into sheer petrification. 

Value: 4/5

For $2.99, my girlfriend and I dined on an overflowing carton of onion rings as a sufficiently filling side for our $5 box. There was a fairly large quantity of decently sized onion rings, at a more than fair price. 

Total: 11.5/20

Cousin's Tasty Chicken (Grand Rapids, MI)

I've driven past Cousin's Tasty Chicken hundreds of times in the past two years, but never bothered to step inside. Sola Cepa is both a passion and a calling, as well as an excuse to wander into random restaurants near my house and eat onion rings. Each venture is yet another opportunity of wonder and discovery, or one for a ruinous defeat. It's naught but a spin of the dice, or a gamble between the red and the black. But either way, one always gets to eat onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Cousin's Tasty Chicken.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5 

As might be expected, the presentation of these onion rings is basic and no-frills. Resting atop a small cardboard tub, within a larger styrofoam box, they are heaped haphazardly into a pile. When I opened the box, a couple of rings had slid out of the box into the (delicious) spicy chicken tenders, but that could have been my own lack of care in transporting the goods. There was no paper lining covering the cardboard, which is a bit outside the norm, but I didn't miss it.

The appearance of the onion rings is, similarly, nothing special, nothing awful. The batter is reasonably consistent, but a close examination reveals some minor splotches and gaps in the batter, and some extra crumbles mixed around. While this always speaks well to the quality of the onion rings (in terms of a clearer sign of hand-battered and home made), it does cause some problems in the appearance.

Taste: 4/5

I should preface this by saying my onion rings weren't piping hot, as I'd ordered them for pick-up some time in advance of my coming, but I can hardly fault Cousin's Tasty Chicken for that.

The onion rings weren't overly greasy, and indeed, were hardly greasy at all. My first tentative bite revealed a vivid and surprising amount of juicy, strong onion flavor. The onions may well have been seasoned before they were fried, or else the fry time was just sufficient to give them a good burst of flavor with each bite. They were tasty, without being overwhelming.

The batter, likewise, was well seasoned. It wasn't mind-blowing, but it did add a pleasant layer of flavor on-top of the already present juicy onions. The accompanying ranch sauce was fairly overpowering, and any dips completely overshadowed the more subtle flavors of the onion rings, and was not especially complementary.

Texture: 3.5/5

While the onions had a wonderfully juicy taste, it came at the expense of the occasionally mushy, overdone onion within. While they weren't the norm, even a few in a small batch of onion rings can be detrimental to the experience. The same applies to slippage. Although it was only two or three times, proportionally, it's extreme.

Besides the bouts of slippage, however, the batter had an excellent texture. The integrity of the ring remained even when manipulated or squeezed for consumption, with the exception the dreaded slippage alluded to above. It was soft, with more of a subtle pop than a loud crunch, as my teeth split into the pocket of air between the onion and the batter.

Value: 5/5

For a reasonably sized portion of good tasting, well-textured onion rings, I only paid $1.99, which is practically a steal. While they weren't perfect, and I could almost always use more onion rings, I'd be hard pressed to say they're anything but a top-notch value.

Total: 15.5/20

Jonny B'z (Grand Rapids, MI)

Over the past week, my spigot of onion ring passion has been tapped, and out flows a voluminous portion of reviews, commentary, and wisdom on all things onion ring. I even deigned to take my precious break for lunch at work to journey to an as-of-yet-to-be-reviewed locale, with my colleague and Sola Cepa regular Patrick Oetting, where I sampled an entirely new (to me) variety of onion ring: haystack onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Jonny B'z.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

The presentation of these haystack onion rings as as classic as it is ubiquitous; a mound sprawled out to fill a black plastic basket topped with a checkered red and white paper. While not ground-breaking, it is pleasant, and ties into the essential ethos of the onion ring culinary arts. 

The appearance is, generally, a mixed bag. Unknown to me when I placed my order, haystack onion rings are characterized by a remarkably thin and small cut of onion. The standard onion ring, whether breaded or battered, is characterized by some of the largest rings able to formed from a standard sized onions, appropriately hand-held and rarely able to be consumed in a single bite. 

These haystack onion rings, on the contrary, were remarkably small and numerous, intermingling into a gloriously tangled web of fried onion, where one could easily eat multiple rings in a single bite.The sheen on the top of the pile indicated that they had come fresh out of the fryer, as the grease was permeating throughout the basket. 

While I admired the spirit of the onion rings' appearance, the inconsistent execution was its downfall. Beneath the top of the web was a wasteland of shattered and broken onion pieces, whether burnt, overcooked, or simply fallen off due to excess batter. 

This is perhaps the biggest weakness of the haystack onion rings; a characteristic lack of structural integrity which makes the service, plating, and consumption a logistical complexity that man may never live to untangle. 

Taste: 2.5/5

My eyes did not deceive me when I observed the glistening grease on my platter, these onion rings were indeed hot, fresh, and greasy. For the more complete (and comparatively thicker) rings at the top of the pile, I got a surprisingly robust taste onion taste, for the thickness and size of the cut, at least. Generally, they were fairly weak, but packed an out sized punch. 

Beyond the meager onion taste, the only other flavors in the ring were an all-encompassing deluge of grease and salt. Now, grease and salt are pleasant to eat, and are the mainstays of any fried diet, particularly with the onion ring, but this haystack variety had them to an unpleasant excess, with no other subtleties of flavor to break up the monotony of the pillars of salt. In short, they were pleasantly addictive at the time, but the lack of depth (and the hours of heartburn after) cost them some serious points. 

In addition, the fragmentation of the rings mentioned above led this to be, by about halfway through the dish, to become more of a "pile of bits of fried onions" moreso than a true onion ring. 

I will point out that there were a variety of complementary barbecue sauces in squeeze bottles on the table, which gave the onion rings a pleasant and spicy vinegar kick, and added some much needed moisture back into the rings, which were completely absent the crucial onion juices that make an onion ring so good. 

Texture: 2.5/5

I will give the haystack onion rings credit where credit is due. These were, without a doubt, the crunchiest onion rings I have ever had. There was hardly a hint of juices, and for much of the basket, hardly a hint of onion texture, or presence, at all. 

The crunchy, crunchy breading completely overpowered all other textures in the rings, making it more like a collection of onion bits and better that perhaps were once an onion ring rather than a true onion ring. 

Value: 3/5

For all the guff I've given these haystack onion rings above, I truly think they were a reasonably good value. For $4, I got a huge basket that more than sufficed for a filling lunch when I stepped out of the office.

Most of the problems in taste and appearance can be accounted for by inconsistency and structural problems within the haystack onion rings themselves, that is, their thinness and relative structural weakness. I applaud Jonny B'z for experimenting in new methods of delivery for fried onion concoctions, but I think these rings still have some kinks to work out.

Total: 11/20

Bud and Stanley's Pub & Grub (Grand Rapids, MI)

Despite having gone on the day prior to New Year's Eve, Bud and Stanley's Pub & Grub was filled with the noise and revelry characteristic of a major celebration. I was not deterred. My sole goal, as it has always been and will ever be, was to sample and review their onion rings. I steeled myself through the din of the crowd, with an internal cry of "Sola Cepa!' giving me strength to persevere. 

Here's a review of onion rings from Bud and Stanley's Pub & Grub. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

In my long, and never-ending, quest to review onion rings, I thought I had seen it all. It seems that most restaurants are content to plop out a mound of onion rings in a plastic basket, resting atop a thin layer of greasy paper.

That's why the presentation of these onion rings delighted my jaded eyes in a way I've never thought possible. The onion rings sank deep into the recesses of the conic container, and were stacked well above the end of the cone, making a tower pleasing to the eye and to the palate. The accompanying container for the ranch dipping sauce, attached right to the cone, left me in awe of the wondrous innovations we see in civilization today. 

The appearance of the onion rings was good at first glance. A golden brown batter covered a wide array of onion ring sizes. The main problems came in the inconsistency of the coating, with more than a few onion rings lacking full cover, or some extra gnarly bits tagging along.

Taste: 2.5/5 

For all the glitz and glamour of the presentation, the taste was lacking. There was a fair portion of grease in the rings, spurting into my mouth with every bite. The batter lacked sufficient seasoning and flavor, and seemed mostly to serve as a barrier to keep the grease inside rather than providing taste in and of itself. 

The onion, however, had a pleasant, if subtle, taste. On one or two rings, the onions were cooked in such a way as to pack a bite filled to the brim with the juices and flavors of the onion. the onions were sweated, but perhaps a bit too long.

The accompanying ranch sauce had was heavy and packed a decent punch, but it mostly served to mask the bland batter of the onion rings, rather than work in concert to improve the dish as a whole. 

Texture: 2/5

The battered rings were soft, lacking in crunch and rigidity. This perhaps contributed to the outrageous amounts of slippage I encountered while eating, far more than standard. More often than not, my first bite led to accidentally eating the entire onion, leaving a messy pile of batter sitting on a napkin in its stead. 

The primary culprit of the slippage was the batter. It was far too thin, and left too much space between the onion and the batter to sufficiently cover, and maintain hold of, the onion in the rings. There were a handful of exceptions, where the batter was secure and thick and held the integrity of the ring together, which were a welcome reprieve from the norm. 

The sweating of the onions, prior to battering and frying, made them juicy, and closer to the side of mushy than I usually like. Fortunately, it didn't devolve into a unsatisfying paste, as so often happens. 

Value: 3/5

For $5.75, I got a reasonably sized portion of onion rings. The presentation no doubt made the pile seem bigger than it would in a traditional basket. The portion size was fine, but for the price, and the quality of the rings, I found it lacking.

It would serve well as a shared appetizer for two, or, for a light, early dinner for an onion ring connoisseur.

Total: 11.5/20

Sweet Meats Smokehouse at Fifth Third Ballpark (Comstock Park, MI)

From time to time over the past six months, I glanced through the notes stored on my phone, the dim outlines of onion ring reviews yet to be written. I would often consider trying to eke out a rough review, merely to get it over with, but I couldn't bear to put out a sub par production. I wasn't in a state or motivation to deliver the quality that you, the readers, have come to expect.

Today, Sola Cepa resumes. Thanks for reading.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

My culinary experience as baseball games doesn't have a stellar track record. Two lukewarm hot dogs, wrapped in a suspicious foil, went down easy enough at a Detroit Tigers game some ten years ago. The experience was not as pleasant that night.

As such, I didn't have high hopes for the onion rings at Fifth Third Ballpark, home to the West Michigan Whitecaps. Though my palate may have been somewhat compromised by copious amounts of $2 beer, I knew I couldn't pass this opportunity up. Navigating through the golden horde, I made my way to the one concessions stand that had onion rings, Sweet Meats Smokehouse.

Presentation and Appearance: 1/5

It's easy to tell the difference between onion rings prepared with care, thought, and precision, and those sloppily fried and mass produced for rapid consumption. These rings are demonstrably the latter.

The bowl is a thin, weak Styrofoam, threatening to crack and break at the slightest hint of pressure. It's far too small to hold the volume of the onion rings, and I was forced to delicately balance the bowl and two cups of Coors Light back to my seat all the way across the stadium.

Even without the small bowl, the onion rings themselves are a train wreck. Nearly every ring is cracked to smithereens, split and fraying. While some of the breading is a pleasant golden brown, there are far too many overdone, nearly burnt, chunks of breading scattered throughout. The inconsistency alone is frightening.

In short, these do not look even remotely appetizing.

Taste: 1/5

I'm tempted to say there's no taste whatsoever to these rings, but that would be false. There is one overwhelming taste: grease, and grease alone. I can tell there are some onions in it before I eat it, as the cracked batter shows some white, vaguely onion shaped substance within. Not that I could tell from the taste.

In terms of seasoning, there's a bland hint of a dash of salt mixed in with the overwhelming grease. The onions have no taste, the breading has hardly any, and I feel like a squeeze bottle of grease was drenched over the rings just before they were served. The grease leaked and burst onto my shirt as I ate it, adding pain and discomfort to the complete lack of sufficient taste.

Texture: 1.5/5

The overcooked batter does give the onion rings a mild crunch, but this is almost entirely overshadowed by the mushy, soggy interior of the onion. They are swimming in grease, which flows like a river between the onion and the breading. For each mild crunch, the stream of grease that rushes into my mouth (and, as previously mentioned, onto my lap) overshadows even the hint of good texture.

Value: 2.5/5

While the onion rings were the worst I've ever tasted in my life, I got a reasonably sized amount for $3.50, especially given that they came from a concessions stand at a minor league baseball game. They were, at best, a diversion from the baseball game and an excuse to shove grease down my gullet.

They may have only been edible as a result of the $2 beer which I managed to choke it down with, but they were still pretty cheap.

Total: 6/20

Big Boy (Everywhere)

As I sat at my desk today, working diligently on one project or another, a colleague plopped a large paper bag on my desk, saying it was a gift. Curious, I unraveled the greasy paper only to find a massive carton of onion rings! There are few times in life where man can truly say he is completely satisfied with his work. Today was one of them. Here's a review of onion rings from Big Boy's downtown Grand Rapids location (courtesy of David Welch and Charles Roelofs).

Presentation and Appearance: 1.5/5

I'm always a bit more generous with the presentation of take-out onion rings. Look, I get it. You don't have the time, inclination, or ability to prepare an appetizing presentation. That said, the presentation is pretty consistent with takeout onion rings. A large carton, made just small enough that the onion rings overflow out the top. Accompanying dipping sauce in a plastic container. It's as basic as it gets.

No, the real reason these onion rings are docked in this category is for the appearance. It's hard to tell from the picture, but practically every onion ring in the box was irregularly breaded, cracked, broken, and bruised. The perfection and wholeness of an onion ring was replaced by cracked and broken dreams, pale facades of the union that could have been.

The breading on these onion rings, besides being poorly done and irregular, is uniquely grainy. Almost like it was washed in an onion flavored sand.

Taste: 2.5/5

My first bite reveals a surprising amount of seasoning. The grainy batter, cracked and creaking though it may be, packs a tremendous amount of flavor on what parts of the onion they've stuck to. It's well salted without being overpowering, and the flavor stays with you as you eat the breading and the onion together.

Unfortunately, the onion taste leaves much to be desired. Were it not for the appearance (and my infinite wisdom of all things Onion Ring), I'm not sure if I'd know there was any onion in it by taste alone. The onions are likely tremendously undercooked, and somehow lacking in both raw and sauteed onion flavor.

The accompanying dipping sauce was unique, and hard to place. It was similar to the nigh ubiquitous "zesty" sauce that typically comes with onion rings, but without a lot of zest. Probably the same base, but with a different blend of herbs and seasonings mixed in. It complemented the seasoned breading well, without overpowering it.

Texture: 3/5

The grainy breading truly shines in the texture. One would expect the cracked, crumbly breading to disintegrate on the first bite, but that's a rarity. Though mildly greasy, it is not to an excess. The breading alone gives a soft crunch, without being too hard or overpowering. It goes down smooth and easy.

The texture of the onion itself, as indicated above, is almost certainly undercooked. They avoid the problem of mushiness that plagues so many onion rings, but seem to go the exact opposite way. The onion is firm almost to the point of rawness, but it does contribute to the solid crunchy bites.

All in all, the texture added greatly to both the mouthfeel and the pleasure of eating.

Value: 3/5

While I technically didn't pay for (or, indeed, ask for) these onion rings, I felt they were a solid value. As best as I can gather, the menu price for this (assuming it was a full order) was $4.29. For a modest sum, I got an overflowing carton of alright onion rings. They're certainly nothing worth writing home about, but they served as an adequate, and filling, lunch.

Total: 10/20