Chubby's Bar & Grill (Wyoming, MI)

Among the many qualities I find desirable about Chubby's Bar & Grill is proximity. A short drive from my abode, it's close enough to go to on a whim and, in dire circumstances, meander home after enjoying a variety of adult beverages. Despite its wide array of potables, I was drawn to Chubby's one fateful night with a singular purpose: to determine if they had any onion rings.

They did.

Here's a review of onion rings from Chubby's Bar & Grill

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Bucking the trend of smaller bowls, more rings, the onion rings arrive in a white bowl that's just slightly too big to accommodate the somewhat meager helping of onion rings. Served with a black plastic cup of southwest ranch, that mysterious sauce that's simultaneously proprietary and ubiquitous, the plating isn't wowing, but neither is it jarring.

The onion rings themselves are a different story. In my many (or, 2) years of reviewing onion rings, I've never seen an onion ring with such a pattern on the breading. The rings are characterized by dark brown stripes occurring at regular intervals along the edge, emanating out from the center of the ring. They look vaguely like grill marks, but on further inspection, I think they're more likely to be some sort of sauce added on near the end of frying. Their breading is fairly consistent, though the size is variate. The only other observation of note is the total fusion of two onion rings within one another, perhaps a meta-commentary on the dual nature of the color due to the stripes.

Taste: 3/5

Though the onions are cut a little thin, especially given the quantity of the rings, they were able to provide a sizeable amount of onion flavor. As may be expected at a bar, they're accompanied by a decent amount of grease, though it's not tremendously overwhelming.

The most fascinating part of these onion rings is no doubt tied to their unique striped appearance. Throughout the batter, and mixing in with the whole of the onion ring, there is a subtle, but ever present, tang. It's like a particular seasoning was mixed in with the batter, lending credence to my secondary theory of a sauce of some kind added to the batter after frying. The tang leads to a slightly sweet, and unidentified (even to my exclusively-refined-in-the-world-of-onion rings taste buds) taste, but it's a fascinating innovation. Additionally, the southwest ranch serves as a creamy complement to the uniquely sweet onion rings.

While the rings have a unique taste, the tang isn't always pleasant, and is attractive more for its innovation and mystery than flavor.

Texture: 3.5/5

Much like the humble and invasive zebra mussel, these striped onion rings have a crunchy and hardened exterior. Though I've never eaten a zebra mussel (indeed, my main interaction with them comes from an unfortunate incident with a bloody toe in Green Lake), I like to imagine they are moist and juicy on the inside, with a strong hint of onion.

If that turns out to not be the case, at least these onion rings are. The onions are cooked well, with a slight pliability and moistness without careening towards mush, and they complement the firm crunch of the batter.

Unfortunately, much like a zebra mussel, slippage of the interior parts to the outside are a negative. Slippage was all too common in these onion rings, with many a ring dissolving in a pile of onion and batter, which worked oh so well together.

Value: 3.5/5

Though innovative and well put together (barring the numerous counts of slippage), the price of $2.99 is a little too steep for so few onion rings. That said, they were largely good, if not great, and delivered not only a unique appearance, but a fascinating tang that I've still yet to unveil.

Total: 13/20

Brann's Steakhouse & Grille (Grand Rapids, MI)

My muse is not a spout that can be turned on at will. Though the occasions are few, there are times when, despite being at a new eatery ripe with onion ring potential, I don't feel the call of the Allium in my bones. Thankfully for you, dear reader, I was bolstered by a stalwart compatriot in the world of liberty (and Sola Cepa fandom, for which I imagine there is a non-zero overlap) to order and consume these onion rings on a wholly unrelated occasion.

Here is a review of onion rings from Brann's Steakhouse & Grille. My companions were too many to name, but you know who you are.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Coated in a reasonably consistent covering of golden brown batter, these onion rings are marred immediately by a somewhat patchy breading. While they appear smooth at first blush, the gaps in the batter portend grave danger just ahead. Even from a distance vantage point, I can see the thin sheen of grease peaking over and among the rings. 

The presentation is roughly standard for bar fare. Plain white wax paper lines a reasonably good facade of a basket (made of plastic, but designed to vaguely resemble wicker). The onion rings don't quite fill the container, making the portion size seem more scanty than it otherwise would. The haphazard toss of a plastic container of the purported "Bistro Sauce," which, to the best of my limited knowledge, doesn't resemble in any way, shape, or form what one would get in a bistro, speaks to an apathetic lack of care in the plating.

Taste: 3/5

The batter, though delicately coated in a fine mist of grease, characteristic of the morning dew on a cool Spring day, holds a delicate and light flavor. Seasoned with a pinch-and-a-half of salt, it manages to approximate a sweet-spot between "bland pile of batter" and "explosion of every spice in the kitchen." Generally, I prefer a more flavorful batter, but I felt the mild taste worked well for these onion rings.

This may have been helped by the utter tastelessness of the onions. Though the onions were sufficiently soft to release flavor, very little of it made its way through the light batter. Indeed, the slight seasoning on the surrounding batter was enough to overpower the onion. 

However, both were not just blown out of the water, but set on fire, capsized, and collapsed to the bottom of the sea by the "Bistro Sauce." While I'm generally a fan of strong flavor, this sauce completely and utterly overpowered any hint of flavor in the other two primary components of the onion rings. While it delivered a unique tang, that tang marked the death knell of both batter and onion. 

Texture: 1.5/5

The standard Sola Cepa review, to the astute reader, is a mess of foreshadowing. Issues that crop up in Presentation and Appearance and Taste should signal (at least, to an onion ring expert) further issues in texture. The onion rings here are no exception. 

The softly cooked onions, while flavorless, generally could score some points on texture. However, when combined with the delicate batter, the inevitable result is iteration after iteration of slippage. The underlying texture of these onion rings was, in one word, weak. The batter falls apart as strands of what was once an onion ring slip out into the void. Integrity is gone. Peace is lost. 

Value: 2/5

$3.00 nets a meager portion of onion rings, drowning in an overpowering Bistro Sauce and ready to crumble at the slightest provocation. They were mildly filling, and looked pretty, but that's about the size of it. 

Total: 9.5/20

The Golden Egg (Ypsilanti, MI)

Onion rings are renowned for many things, not the least of which their mystical healing and therapeutic properties. For those that doubt this maxim, I would highly recommend consuming a hearty plate of onion rings after a (presumably) energetic wedding reception after an unknown quantity of gin and tonics.

Thankfully, on that fateful post-wedding reception morning, I received a timely invitation to brunch by my good friend Shelby. Joined by Eric, we journeyed to the Golden Egg for brunch, which thankfully had the mighty golden rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from The Golden Egg.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Diner-style restaurants aren't where one goes for refined presentation, and the Golden Egg is no exception. My onion rings are served without glamour on a mildly interesting plate (with a variety of colored rings emblazoned on the surface), in a fairly standard heap. They appear to be thin cut, while remaining hand battered, and are a bit on the darker side of golden brown. 

Hidden beneath the mound are two cracked rings, and one can detect a handful of cracks in the batter sprinkled throughout. Beyond these minor issues, however, the appearance of these onion rings have no glaring flaws. 

Taste: 4.5/5

Onion ring deception is typically one of my greatest foes, comparable to state-funded business subsidies and my latent fear of dying of an infected wound in a post-collapse society, but in this case, the deception works to these onion rings' advantage. While fairly unassuming and thin in appearance, they deliver a wallop of flavor in both onion and batter. 

The sole flaw in flavor comes from the slight char on some bits of batter. Beyond that, the batter is seasoned congruently with the flavor of the onion. While most of what I get is salt, the ever eternal friend to onion and batter alike, it provides a reasonable and seasonable bite.

Surprisingly for the small size of the onion rings, the onion flavor shines through like the sun, peeking through an oddly colored brown cloud. Cooked to deliver a maximum of flavor, another rare feat, given the thin cut, the juices intermingle freely with the salty batter, without delivering an excess of juice or grease. 

Texture: 3/5

For all the strengths in flavor, the textural mishaps of these onion rings are numerous. The root of the problem, in another bizarre twist from the norm, is that the core of the onion and the batter are too adhesive towards each other. It's almost as if all the juices which provided terrific flavor act as a sealant between the onion and the batter as well. 

This has the unintended consequence of slippage, as the stickiness requires a more forceful bite, prompting a more destructive decay of the onion interior, spiraling out of control. Beyond the issue of sheer inseparability, the batter actually has a unique texture, probably imbued with a dose of cornmeal or some other thickening agent. The onion, too, is cooked well enough to be slick but not mushy. 

The problem is that the components don't swirl together into a cohesive whole, but rather wail against each other in a dissonant and confusing mess. 

Value: 4/5

Typically, smaller, thinly cut onion rings come at a lighter price point. Thus, the price of $3.29 initially gave me pause. However, given the well above average taste, decent quantity, and hand-battered nature of the rings, I think they deliver a solid value for the price. I would have liked just a few more to put it over the top, however. 

Total: 15/20

Ashley's (Ann Arbor, MI)

I can't think of any celebration that can't be enhanced by copious amounts of fried and battered onions, preferably in a circular form. This maxim proved its weight at a recent bachelor party/Bacchanalia in Ann Arbor, where I was joined by groom-to-be Garrett, fellow groomsman (to-be) Eric, and a ruckus-rousing Luke and Davy, where a healthy infusion of grease and batter made a fun night even better.

Here's a review of onion rings from Ashley's in Ann Arbor. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

The onion rings arrive in a bowl too small to fit the moderate amount of rings, a fairly traditional tactic to trick a less discerning onion ring consumer into thinking they got a good deal. The brown paper, a slight departure from the archetypal white, jauntily fits in the white bowl, perhaps symbolizing the robust spirit of the locale. 

The first and most immediate impression of the onion rings is color. They are fried to a crisp golden brown, without the characteristic darkness of overfrying. They also appear pleasantly plumb, usually a good sign of latent onion juices, or sufficiently thick cut onions, so as to deliver a better flavor. While the color is good, the batter seems inconsistently applied, though it's clearly by hand. Chunks of better ebb and flow, like some cosmic goo, off of the onion rings, with a moderate cracking accompanying the ooze. 

Taste: 2.5/5

As may be expected with bar food, these onion rings were greasier than the norm. The plain looking batter was well-seasoned, and was responsible for most of the non-grease flavor, of which there was precious little. 

Despite the plump appearance of the rings, the onion taste was mild to a fault. While other rings manage to get the grease to flow with the onion juices, making the grease into an asset, these fail to make the same transformation, leaving the grease as a pale reminder of the things that were once good in life. 

Texture: 3/5

The dominant factor of these onion rings, whether through taste, texture, or appearance, is undoubtedly the batter. Its thickness and integrity give it something resembling a shell, reminding me of a greasy lobster at my local lobster shack. The shell was thick and crunchy, resounding with a solid thwack on each bite. 

The inner onion was cooked down to a vaguely onion flavored paste, making the lack of strong onion taste even more bizarre. Such a weak onion made the plague of slippage come back with a vengeance, infecting the table, the plate, the bowl my shirt, and my pride before finally being vanquished by me running out of onion rings to eat. 

Value: 3.5/5

For a price of $4.00, I got a bowl of onion rings roughly middling in most respects, including both taste and quantity. For that price, it's steadily creeping up on premium, at a not-quite premium quality. That said, it was a filling side portion accompanying my pretentious beer flight and slightly less pretentious chicken sandwich. I've paid a lot more for a lot less. 

Total: 13/20

The Varsity (Atlanta, GA)

Time, as they say, is a flat circle. I recently journeyed once again to a city that changed my life. Sola Cepa first began in Atlanta almost two years ago, and I relished the opportunity to revisit my great muse and discover more of what it had to offer. After wandering semi-aimlessly through the exceedingly hot streets of Atlanta, far beyond the confines of my hotel room, I eventually arrived at my destination; the (purportedly) legendary The Varsity.

Here's a review of onion rings from the Varsity. Thanks to Trey D. for the suggestion.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Taken without context, a paper plate, accompanied by plastic cutlery, atop a school-grade red plastic tray, with a delicate cardboard carton on top, doesn't scream haute cuisine. I have found, however, through extensive experimentation, that onion rings don't really follow the traditional norms of plating. The casual style of presentation simultaneously evokes nostalgia and ease, settling one in for an immediate sense of comfort food.

The onion rings expand beyond the small carton elegantly, like a delicately crafted bonsai tree sprouting from its earthen mold. Each ring is delicately and tightly packed almost perfectly into the carton, forming a neat row of consecutive circles, of a shockingly uniform thickness.

Though the presentation is stellar, the onion rings do lack something in appearance. The inconsistent battering, filled with dozens of scrappy spirals of batter schlepping beyond the circle, does clearly indicate a hand-made batter, but perhaps one mass produced in the back of house. It's nothing hugely sinking, but it does leave something to be desired in terms of care and precision.

Taste: 4/5

Bursts of flavor coalesce from a fusion of the batter and the onion. The house-made batter was seasoned just right, with just the right mix of salt and other spices. The batter is peppered with flecks of black pepper, adding a good bit of color in the otherwise brown batter. When mixed with the onion flavor, it's smooth and buttery.

Onion-wise, the cook time is such that the onions yield a solid mixture of grease and juices, without devolving into a wet, sopping mess. The thin film of grease fits the flavor well, and complements both the batter and the onion.

The main mark against flavor comes from a lack of oomph. The parts that make up solid taste are there, but they can't quite make it to the next level. I suspect, in large part, this is due to their mass-production. Made in small batches, with perhaps a little more time, they could soar to the peaks of the mountains of flavor, ascending like the eagle of proper food preparation, before resting on the nest of cohesive production.

Texture: 3/5

I suspect the Varsity, being the well-oiled machine of food production that it is, has the fry time of onion rings down to a near exact science. The onions, as they were in taste, are the start of the texture of this dish. It's the Golden Mean of onion texture, with the perfect position on the sliding scale of firm to mushy. It has enough give to yield juice and flavor, but is firm enough to maintain shape under duress.

The batter, despite the heavy taste, is delicate, and flaky. Though the onions are cooked to perfection, the slightly-too-thin layer of the batter became a bit too crispy, with some rings bordering on burnt.

Carl Menger thought that the first facet of economic analysis was understanding cause and effect. Though I'm loath to compare my meager reviews to the beauty of economics, I think an apt comparison can be drawn to cause and effect. Because the batter was weak, and coated relatively lightly, while subjected to too long of a time in the fryer, shedding seems to be the natural consequence. Flecks of batter chipped off the structurally sound onion, falling onto the sea of of the red tray below me.

Value: 5/5

Value is among the hardest things to quantify, as it relies so strongly on a heavily subjective and personal understanding. That said, for $2.20, these onion rings are a grand slam. For a none-too-tidy sum, you get a dense carton of thick rings, at a perfect meal sized quantity with above average taste and texture. These onion rings are a grand value any day of the week.

Total: 15.5/20

The Udder Side (Jonesville, MI)

As one might be able to imagine, there's not a whole lot to do in the region of Hillsdale. As a result, standards for an "exciting night out" fall dramatically. This, in essence, is how a standard ice cream shop, The Udder Side, became an exciting destination for the Hillsdale students who are not yet old enough to drink, or just want to do something to ease the characteristic tedium for a few short moments.

Fortunately for me, the Udder Side also has onion rings. Here's a review of said onion rings from the Udder Side. Many thanks to my wonderful girlfriend, Allegra, for joining me.

Presentation and Appearance: 2/5

Curled into the recesses of a greasy paper bag, which is somehow stapled shut, I manage to unearth a medium-sized cylindrical carton, overflowing with a packed set of onion rings too big for their metaphorical britches. The container itself is naught but a ghastly pallor, showing a unique contrast between the darkened rings.

The rings themselves, while appearing to be hand battered, have clearly seen better days. Though some batter does tenuously cling to the rings, it far too often borders from dark-brown to a crispy black, indicating an almost certain burning sensation soon to come.

Taste: 2/5

They say one ought not to judge a book by its cover, but in my many years of reviewing onion rings, I'm pretty confident that I can judge the taste and texture of an onion ring by its presentation and appearance.

In short, the burnt batter overpowers any other flavor present in these onion rings. The more passable bits of batter, like the handful of shiny beets at a roadside beet stand, form a thin, shell-like coating over the onions. While it's not as greasy as one might expect, it fails to deliver a flavor capable of standing up to the almighty char.

The onions, cooked reasonably well despite the overdone batter, provide a solid, if somewhat light, onion taste. Unfortunately, like the breading, the onion is overpowered by the too-crispy, too-burnt batter.

Texture: 2.5/5

The shell-like coating of the breading makes a valiant effort at a reasonable crunch, but the burnt batter makes them far too crispy. The onions, on the other hand, have a smooth, juicy texture, riding the line between soft and firm, and erring neither towards a mushy paste nor a raw circle of onion.

Texturally, these onion rings held some small potential. Had the execution been better, either on the frying or the battering, the score would be much more competitive. Alas. Perhaps the Udder Side should just stick to ice cream instead.

Value: 2.5/5

For a time, I held off on writing this review because I couldn't recall the price, needed for the value ranking. Through a complex series of searches, and a healthy dose of luck, I finally managed to find a menu with prices.

I was shocked to discover the price for these onion rings were $3.50. For the amount received, it's bordering on a premium price, but with sub-quality taste and cooking, they left much to be desired.

Total: 9/20

Whataburger (Chain)

At long last, I conclude my travelogue of dipping my toes into the vast culinary world of Austin, Texas. Of course, by that I mean sampling a variety of onion rings to gauge restaurant quality. The nobility of my calling, and the esteem that comes with it, is often lacking. Many fail to understand my crucial role in the culinary ecosystem, and I must work in the shadows, skulking about with those precious few who know the power of the Onion Ring Standard. 

Here's a review of onion rings from Whataburger, at a location in Austin, Texas. Thanks to my brother, Zach, for driving and joining me. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

The carton shape that serves as a delivery mechanism for the onion rings from Whataburger is unique among the various fast food onion rings I've reviewed. It's neither roughly cylindrical, nor roughly cubic, as is the norm, but a mysterious combination of angles, in what I assume to be a unique Texan geometry. It's intriguing, though somewhat confusing. 

The odd shape of the carton makes it difficult to see all of the onion rings at first glance. From my vantage point, I can clearly see at least one exposed onion ring, showing its hidden ivory interior to the world around it. The breading is colored on the darker side of golden brown, and I suspect they're fairly overdone. These rings are, in short, a mixed carton characterized by creative presentation and lackluster attention to detail. 

Taste: 3/5

Unsurprisingly, given the geographic location of these onion rings, and the chain of Whataburger at large, they are heavily flavored with grease. The grease serves as a flavor delivery mechanism for the onion juices, derived from the somewhat overdone onion rings, and is the highlight of the taste of the dish. These juices deliver a strong and more than sufficient onion flavor of the rings, though this taste is inconsistently applied over the rings. 

The batter, on the other hand, is largely flavorless. There's a vague hint of seasoning, probably no more than a dash of salt, but the juices meld with the batter on occasion to deliver a soft, buttery bite. 

Texture: 1.5/5

An onion ring fried for a good length is a delicate balancing act. The longer cook time tends to generate an excess of onion grease, and additional flavor, but at the cost of yielding a mushy onion texture. This was demonstrably the case for these onion rings, as the onions fell prey to this unfortunate tendency. Though several were soft and smooth, and approaching a fine onion paste, a number of them slid further still into the unquenchable heat of the fryer, resulting in blackened and scarred crunchy remnants of what was once an onion. 

The batter is worse. The hint of a cracked batter I saw early on reared its ugly head further in, with cracked batter running amok on more than half of the onion rings in the carton. The batter was attached by a thin membrane, weak as a spider's web and half as tasty. A major problem was likely in the thin cut of the onions, making them unable to withstand the crucible of grease and oil. In short, the texture was a crumpled and wicked mess. 

Value: 3.5/5

This carton of bruised and frayed onion rings cost a mere $2.39. Though lacking in cohesive texture, they did deliver a strong onion flavor, with a substantial quantity, at a more than reasonable price point. 

Total: 11/20

Uchiko (Austin, TX)

Magic is something I don't really think of anymore, that almost-lost, intangible quality of wonder and delight. There are moments, however, where something manages to recapture its spirit, and I get a spark of that awe that was once so common.

Thomas Kuhn, who I was first introduced to by Dr. Steele in a course on the History of Economic Thought, famously described changes in scientific understanding in the terms of paradigm shifts. Researchers discover phenomena that can't be sufficiently explained within the current model (or paradigm), which eventually prompts a dramatic shift in methodology and principle to explain the data.

The onion rings at Uchiko gave me a little slice of magic. They prompted something akin to a paradigm shift in my cynical mind, and shattered my arrogance at having "seen it all" in onion rings. To date, they are the best onion rings I have ever had.

Here's a review of onion rings from Uchiko. Thanks to Zach, Emily, and Leah (aka Mother) for joining me.

Presentation and Appearance: 5/5

The meager picture I managed to snap, through a combination of haste, my phone's camera quality, and relatively dim lighting, genuinely does not do these onion rings justice. The menu simply bills them as "onion ring tempura," and they are, in fact, clearly tempura battered. This is a wholly unique innovation in the world of onion rings, at least, to my experience, and results in a non-standard appearance. It is the first, and most dramatic, paradigm shift in the world of onion rings.

These onion rings are massive, and marred with dozens of pockmarks in the batter. The batter balloons out like an inflating tube, somehow maintaining inflation despite the porous nature of the casing. There are a plethora of different colored spices and seasonings mixed into the batter, with a deep, dark red being the most dominant, but brown and green also make an appearance. Beyond these specks, the coloring is remarkably consistent.

A surprisingly large grouping of four onion rings sit atop a multi-colored modern plate, with just the right amount of an expertly placed paper underneath. The small accompanying ramekin of soy sauce looks to be the perfect size and amount for the four onion rings, another fine attention to detail.

In a certain sense, these onion rings break the rules of appearance. The batter is inconsistently covered, with more holes than I can think to count, much of it is hollow and expansionary, and it seems almost destined to fall for hubris. But, for whatever reason, they pull it off with style.

Taste: 5/5

Batter flavor is a woefully under-valued quality of a good onion ring. Though I was initially suspicious of this new tempura batter, the taste won me over. It's simultaneously salty, savory, and spicy, with no one flavor overpowering the other. The delicate mixture of multi-colored seasonings blends together in a veritable party in my mouth, and nobody is throwing up.

As my palate is only sufficiently refined in the realm of onion rings, I couldn't place the flavors as anything other than originating from Japanese cuisine. My brother hypothesized the specks of red were some variety of roe egg, but I can't be sure myself. All I know is that the batter, and the seasoning, delivered flavors like nothing I've ever tasted in an onion ring before. This is the second paradigm shift. 

The strips of onion, buried deep within the recesses of the bloated batter, brings an onion taste with no complaints. It's sufficiently strong for me to know it's an onion, but doesn't overpower anything else. The batter is without a doubt the star of this dish, but the onion plays a supporting role with no complaint. This shows in the wonderful complementary taste between onion and batter, much like the on-stage charisma between Steve Carell and Rainn Wilson.

The accompanying soy sauce neither overpowered nor perfectly complemented the onion rings. Rather, it transformed it. Though I didn't miss any moisture when I was eating them, a quick dab in the soy sauce flooded it with a whole new dimension of flavor. This is the third paradigm shift. 

Texture: 4.5/5

My first blast of magic came when I picked up an onion ring on the plate, and my normally placid face immediately lit up in delight, as I exclaimed excitedly that it was "like paper." The tempura batter was, indeed, somewhat like a dry clump of various papers, or like a wasp's nest abandoned on the pavement. It was light and delicately crackling, almost like a pork rind. This all combined to make them, at first brush, appear fragile.

The boldness of the tempura batter breaks all the conventional rules of texture, namely stability, integrity, and a thickness, but it just works. The tempura batter forms the facsimile of a planet-like crust, albeit with chasms, but the interior is almost entirely hollow, until you get to the onion core.

The core of the onion has a smooth and approaching perfect texture. It is neither too mushy nor too raw, not too thick nor too thin. Though no doubt aided by the gargantuan size of of the tempura batter, the onion remains steady and smooth, with no slippage.

My first impression of fragility proved wrong, as barring one dramatic incident of shedding, it stayed steady. This was, perhaps, the only true flaw with these onion rings. The tempura batter just can't quite maintain itself with the rigidity needed to compose the parts.

Value: 5/5

The going standard for larger, and higher quality, onion rings is approximately $1 a ring. Here, four onion rings cost a mere $5. They are, without a doubt in my mind, worth the extra quarter a ring. Frankly, they're worth more than that. The amount is certainly not mind-blowing, but I got a way greater value than I paid for.

The threefold paradigm-shifting nature of these onion rings would be bold enough on their own. Uchiko was not content with merely breaking the mold, however. They also delivered an explosion of Japanese flavors and seasoning, an almost perfectly executed tempura batter, and perfectly sliced and fried onions.

I wasn't being hyperbolic above. These truly are, to date, the best onion rings I've ever had. This is the Crying Dragon I've been chasing ever since Saucy Dog's Barbecue in Jonesville, Michigan. The magic is back.

Total: 19.5/20

Mighty Fine (Austin, TX)

On my sojourn to Texas, my brother took a vested interest in me sampling the many fine delights (provided these fine delights are just onion rings) of the culinary wonderland that is Austin. On hearing my somewhat unimpressed thoughts on our first outing of the trip (Hut's Hamburgers), he nodded sagely and said "I bet you'll like Mighty Fine." And so, we fought our way through the morass of Austin traffic to the nearest Mighty Fine, eager to get another hit of that sweet Allium.

Here is a review of onion rings from Mighty Fine Burgers Fries & Shakes in Austin, Texas.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

I genuinely can't think of a way to make the presentation of these onion rings simpler. Just about the only thing that comes to mind is a disgruntled employee grabbing them hot from the fire and flinging them at me, with my only hope to catch them with my bare hands. It's fitting with the ethos of Mighty Fine, that is, simple and unpretentious, with a delectable stack of onion rings nestled within a barely-shaped squiggle of white wax paper.

The unpretentious and simple attitude so evident in the cavalier wrapping of paper shines further in the onion rings. On the bad side, the battering is uneven, and cracks spread throughout the edifice, like the dying gasps of a doomed planet about to implode. A handful of the onion rings are cracked as well. On the good side, the batter has a unique hue of an Autumn sunset, in a slight shift from the classic golden brown. A handful of darkened bits of seasoning pepper the batter, like a flock of migrating birds desperate to escape the oncoming winter. The batter is, for lack of a better word, flaky.

Taste: 4.5/5

It should not come as a surprise that the freshly made onion rings at a restaurant with actual picnic tables as seating are greasy. Though not quite soaked to the point of drowning, there's more grease than is to my liking, my initial taste was a tad overwhelming.

This Protective Layer of Greasy Deception is the onion ring equivalent to non-poisonous tropical frogs, who front as dangerous by sharing their bright and alarming color pattern with poison frogs. Though I am personally dubious that a raw frog carcass would taste as good as these onion rings, the principle is the same.

Beneath the layer of grease one finds a moderately seasoned blend in the better, with just the right amount of salt and pepper, complemented by a buttery finish. The onions within are cooked to perfection, with just the right amount of give and just the right amount of onion juices. There's nothing extreme about these onion rings, perhaps with the exception of the grease, but the Golden Mean of Batter and Onions is executed with ease and professionalism.

Texture: 3/5

The menu warned me, before I even ordered, that these onion rings were "lightly battered," and it shows. The batter holds at best a tenuous grasp on the onions, threatening to crumble at any provocation. Shedding abounds, as bits and pieces of the tasty batter violently fly across the gingham table, with Zach admirably dodging as needed. The batter was hard and crunchy, but didn't adhere to the onion enough to mesh.

The onions are as solid in texture as they are on the tongue, maintaining their shape despite being moderately sweated to provide ample flavor. Unfortunately, they are overshadowed by the flaws in the batter.

Value: 4/5

$3.09 brings a good portion of good rings. As with the taste, these onion rings are solidly normal. They are not extreme, but they execute the classic battered onion ring, with a middling size at a middling price, with poise.

Total: 14.5/20

Hut's Hamburgers (Austin, TX)

Hut's Hamburgers is an oddity, even in the hodge-podge of a city like Austin. Surrounded on all sides by the rising skyscrapers of a booming city, the unassuming building rests between a liquor store on one side, and a surprising amount of greenery on the other.

This restaurant was my very first stop in the city of Austin, arriving straight there from the airport, guided and urged by my local brother and his wife (Zach and Emily), and joined by my mother (Mother). He, among other Texans, transplants and locals alike, had sung the praises of this simple diner. My goal, as always, was to see if it lived up to its hype, judged solely on the basis of its onion rings.

Here is a review of Hut's Hamburgers in Austin, Texas.

Presentation and Appearance: 4.5/5

Our order of onion rings for the table arrives in a red plastic basket, lined with plain, white paper. The simple and standard plating style fits in with the restaurant's aesthetic, an island of old in the sea of new. Its lack of pretension bodes well.

The onion rings themselves are obviously impressive. They are both tall and thick, possibly hinting of a meaty onion interior within, coupled with a substantial breading. Unique for onion rings of this size, they are clearly breaded, and not battered. The batter itself is interesting, with the banner of clumpy breading broken up by darker spots, indicating where whole peppercorns have made it into the batter. The integration of non-grounded spices directly into the batter is a new one for me, and an exciting prospect.

Though the appearance was generally good, there were a handful of misses and gaps in the breading, which seemed almost on the verge of peeling and cracking, like the shell of some hideously delicious onion based prehistoric creature.

Taste: 1.5/5

For all the might of the robust appearance of these onion rings, the taste largely fails to deliver. The breading is crispy, but largely flavorless. The only hint at flavor in the breading comes from the whole peppercorns embedded in the batter, which does deliver a nice peppery bite. Unfortunately, as the pepper is not evenly distributed and flavored throughout the whole ring, this leaves the rest severely lacking.

The onion delivers slightly more flavor than the batter, but it's woefully apparent that the onion is undercooked. There's hardly a hint of onion grease or a juicy runoff, which is essential to letting the hidden flavor of the onion come out in an onion ring. There's a hint of sweetness, but it's not enough to make up for the deficiencies in the rest of the ensemble.

Texture: 3/5

These onion rings are both thick and massive, an impressive feat considering the use of breading in lieu of the traditional battering that accompanies rings of this size and scope. The breading takes on an almost cake-like quality, and is surprisingly smooth and light under the initial layer of hardened crumbs. The thickness of the batter was accompanied by a stellar structure, with no signs of slippage, and only minor shedding when subjected to the immense pressure of my hands trying to see if it would shed.

As noted above, the onions were underdone. This resulted in an "just barely out of the ground" level of rawness, which, in addition to failing to deliver on taste, makes for an odd and unappealing texture in the onion.

Value: 3.5/5

For $6.50, you can get a large enough serving of onion rings to satisfy four people, no doubt largely due to the gargantuan size of the onion rings themselves, in addition to the reasonably large quantity in the basket. The failures of quality, however, most obviously seen in the almost complete lack of taste, lowers their value considerably. When it comes to onion rings, Hut's Hamburgers might be more bark than bite.

Total: 12.5/20

Remoulade (New Orleans, LA)

As I navigated through the morass of humanity on Bourbon Street one Friday evening, my eyes were ever on the prize. When looking through the haze of revelry, daiquiri, and voodoo, I only sought one thing and one thing alone: onion rings. Only a bite of that sweet delight could bring tranquility to the chaos of Bourbon Street that night, even with my large novelty plastic cup of light beer.

Unfortunately, I was there so late that all the restaurants that had decent onion rings were closed, so I just went back the next morning, when the glitz of Bourbon Street had faded into the smell of stale urine and regret.

Here's a review of onion rings from Remoulade. Thanks to Aaron and Wouter for joining me.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Occasionally, restaurants will brand or otherwise customize the standard wax paper that so often forms a barrier between onion rings and the plating. Remoulade follows this trend, with lines and lines of "remoulade" cover the paper. It shows a decent degree of effort and branding. The light red plastic basket is about as standard as they come.

The onion rings themselves are clearly hand battered, with a sliding shade of light to dark golden brown in color. The cracks in the facade are readily seen, as there is little solidity in the batter, with gaps and lack of full coating aplenty. The onions seem relatively thin cut, based on the size and thickness of the rings, but the batter looks cracked and weak.

Taste: 4/5

While the batter wasn't quite as flavorful as its New Orleans companion, Saint Lawrence, I tasted a good blend of seasonings with some Cajun kick. The onion taste was relatively mild, but certainly present and flavorful. The light onion taste meshed well with the Cajun seasonings, which melded together to deliver a flavor sensation worthy of Bourbon Street, minus the drunken bead-grasping hordes, strippers, and tarot women preying on the previously mentioned hordes.

Overall, the flavor was cohesive, buttery, and smooth. I would have liked more onion taste, and I suspect the light taste was largely a result of the thin-cut onions, in addition to them being ever-so-slightly underdone. Despite these flaws, Remoulade delivered a solid, buttery, lightly greased onion ring. The combination was light and airy, and seemed to melt in my mouth.

Texture: 3/5

Though the batter was a little gnarly, with peaks and valleys forming out of the not-so-delicately latticed coating, it made for a good crunch. The twin preys of slippage and shedding failed to rear their ugly faces, which is a remarkable achievement, especially given the tenuous grasp the batter had on the onion interior.

The onions themselves, as noted above, were a little under-done in most of the onion rings. Texture-wise, this typically results in a firm onion interior. While avoiding the plague of mushy, juicy onions is a positive step, the underdone onions usually mean less onion flavor, and a bit too hard of a bite. The inconsistency of the breading, and the curious presence of some nearly burnt batter (oddly contrasting with the lightly done onion rings) make these onion rings miss the mark.

Value: 4/5

In an area famous for tourism and drunken revelry, I naturally expected a steep price tag on any onion rings. I was pleasantly surprised to pay a mere $4.95 for a good sized basket of pretty good onion rings.

Total: 14/20

Empire State Delicatessen (New Orleans, LA)

Sometimes, I search out onion rings after extensive research and fact-checking, while cross referencing reviews from various sources, pictures, and my own intuition. Other times, I go to a place because it's down the street from my hotel and I only have a half hour, and I desperately yearn to taste the sweet crunch of batter shelled around a juicy onion, desperate for that eternal muse and inspiration. This is one of those times. Thanks to Aaron for joining me.

Here is a review of onion rings from the Empire State Delicatessen.

Presentation and Appearance: 2.5/5

A confused smattering of  rings arrive unceremoniously thrown into a wax-paper lined black basket, which is far too large for the amount of onion rings. They're like a small moon in the empty depths of space, lined with rings, perhaps, but surrounded by the inky darkness from which none can escape. The imagery is magnified when looking at the dark black basket, and the plain white paper, much like the empty stretches of Lunar craters, viewed from far below.

The rings themselves have a remarkably haphazard breading, with greasy corpuscles bubbling to the top and marring the otherwise smooth finish. As a result, the finish of the breading is uneven. The color is reasonably consistent golden brown, and the breading, when consistent, is well executed. With the amount of heat required for the mystery bubbles to form, I'm forced to conclude that these onion rings are overdone. It's not a good look, and the poor plating doesn't help.

Taste: 3.5/5

Despite the alien appearance of the rings, they are oozing with the hidden, microscopic taste within. A healthy dose of grease, perhaps more than a bit excessive, and a deluge of onion juices greet me after my first bite. They are remarkably juicy, with a hint of onion sweetness seeping through.

The batter, much like the surface of the Moon, was tasteless. It lacked seasoning and flavor, with almost all of the taste in the onion rings coming from the onion inside. While that is a reasonably strong taste, it fails to fully compensate for the lack of taste in the dusty craters that are the batter. The smooth, greasy, buttery goodness seeps into the batter a little, but I know the true source is the onions within.

As predicted, the onion rings are somewhat overcooked. This explains both the blisters on the surface and the preponderance of juicy flavor on the inside.

Texture: 2/5

Even with the overdone nature of the rings, the texture is remarkably soft. There's little to no structure in the way of these rings. They collapse into a web of grease and juice, albeit tasty, on the slightest hint of pressure. While smooth and buttery, the rings lack thickness and substance.

The onions are unsurprisingly mushy and weak, a natural consequence of the delicious onion juices and the long cook time. The onion rings have a cohesive texture, but it's an unpleasant one.

Value: 1.5/5

For $4.65, I got a depressingly small pile of alien onion rings, lacking sufficient quality to warrant the steep price tag, and too few to satisfy my insatiable urge for battered onions.

Total: 9.5/20

Saint Lawrence (New Orleans, LA)

Onion rings are coast-to-coast in this great land of ours. My limited travels (at least, with the purpose or intent to consume and review onion rings while there) have only taken me to three states; Michigan, Colorado, and Georgia. Today, I can finally add another to the pantheon, that of Louisiana. Before my journey, I hypothesized that the unique culinary and cultural makeup of New Orleans could potentially provide flavors and concepts that could revolutionize my knowledge of onion rings.

With the short duration of my stay, and the fact that most of my time was taken up by a conference, I was only able to get a brief smattering of the wide-world of onion rings in New Orleans. Time is a cruel mistress. 

Here's a review of onion rings from Saint Lawrence in New Orleans, Louisiana. Thanks to Sola Cepa superfan (and budding onion ring expert) Aaron for joining me.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

The striking contrast between the plain white plate, and a small metal cup filled with remoulade, and the over-the-top, thick breaded, wild and untamed onion rings is a bold choice, but I think it works. They're stacked in a cohesive heap, making it easy to pluck one off of the pile for further review. 

The onion rings are almost larger-than-life, exploding with what some might deem excessive amounts of batter. Clearly hand-battered, the onion rings make an appealing bite. One can easily see the specks of pepper mixed in with the batter, indicating a strongly seasoned bite to come. They are not perfectly smooth, either, with bumps small and large of oozing batter showing. 

Despite the boldness of the presentation, there are a handful of cracks one can see on closer observation. The batter does not fully cover the onions inside, with a plethora of gaps showing in what ought to properly be beautifully golden circles. They also show just a hint of being overdone. 

Taste: 4/5

As predicted, the batter is an immense outpouring of flavor, the likes of which are rarely seen in onion rings. Soft and fairly flaky, it contains an impressively spicy and flavorful blend of spices, which, in my ignorant Yankee mind, seems Cajun, or close to it. Batter is almost universally overlooked by onion rings as a vehicle to deliver taste, but Saint Lawrence knows better. The spicy aftertaste stayed in my mouth long after I finished the rings, another testament to their intensity. 

It's almost as if all the flavor potential typically reserved for onions (in an onion ring) were shifted to the batter. The interior onion making up the structure of these onion rings was weak and dry, cut far too thin to sustain any degree of onion flavor after being subjected to the fryer. 

The metal cup of remoulade dipping sauce was a near-perfect complement to the Cajun spices in the batter. It provided a solid kick of additional spice, without being overpowering, while showcasing a unique semi-solid texture, perfect for spreading and dipping the rings. The orange-red color no doubt contributed to my impression, contrasting wonderfully with the golden brown rings. Despite the shortcomings of the light onion taste, the batter and the remoulade dipping sauce make up for it in spades. 

Texture: 2.5/5

For all the strides made in flavor and presentation, these onion rings lacked a truly great texture. The batter, while amazing in taste, was too lightly applied, and too flaky, to sustain itself under pressure. The scourge of slippage (wherein the batter falls off a stable onion in an onion ring) showed itself time and time again, as the delectable flaky batter fell onto my plate, forever separated from its transcendent pairing with the onion. 

Speaking of onion, the texture of the onions in the onion ring were more or less non-existent. In several rings, they bordered on burnt, and were at the very least browned and overdone, shriveled to elude any inner texture. It had lost any character of hardness or strength, and was, at best, soft, with nothing else. The onion rings as a whole were soft, with the only crunch coming from the overdone knobs of batter that fled the safety of the onion. 

Value: 3/5

For certain calibers of onion rings, one expects a price point that is higher than would be found in a careless, mass-produced cluster. For $8, I got a decent sized mound of big and flavorful onion rings. While they had some problems with texture, and I missed the strong onion taste so essential to onion rings, the batter and the remoulade dipping sauce made them a delightful bite. 

That said, the thin (if broad) cut of the onions made them a somewhat less than satisfactory lunch. 

Total: 13/20

Log Cabin (Grand Rapids, MI)

Lady fortune is a harsh mistress. After a well-fought match of kickball with an able cohort of coworkers, which we only lost by two points instead of last year's standard of ten to twenty, a number of us retired to the Log Cabin to drown our sorrows. While alcohol, at least in the eyes of history, is one of the best proven ways to drown sorrows, I've always found comfort in the arms of another suitor. That is, the battered and fried delight of onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Log Cabin. Thanks to my teammates (and colleagues) Bob, Sara, Dan, Michelle, Anna, and Lois for joining me on this endeavor.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Initially, these onion rings were a complexity to judge the appearance of. This was not due to some mysterious quality of the rings, not yet seen in my extensive travels, but simply that the bar was remarkably dim. Thankfully, Lois and Anna provided sufficient illumination, through a copious dose of cell-phone flashlights, that I could get a proper read of the situation.

These onion rings are, in short, relatively inoffensive. They have a reasonably consistent golden brown color, and a fairly consistent covering of the bread. Perhaps, with the cave-like atmospheric lighting of the bar, the Log Cabin was hoping to hide some of the malformed rings from a discerning view; the broken half rings, the double rings fused together, and so on. As always, this attempt a subterfuge failed.

Presentation wise, it's about as bare bones and classic as it gets. A large heap of onion rings exploding beyond the narrow confines of a classic red-and-white checkered cardboard box, a deliberate plating attempt to make the onion rings seem greater in quantity than they truly are.

Taste: 2.5/5

Much like the increased power of other senses when one is lacking, like a blind woman with marginally improved hearing, the blackened interior of the Log Cabin may have been a clever attempt to force diners to assign a greater value to taste to what would otherwise be insufficient flavor.

To an extent, it worked. The batter, with a light and fitting coating of the quintessential onion ring grease, was reasonably well-seasoned, though probably with no more than salt and pepper. While the breading, like Icarus, tried to touch the sun, the catastrophic failure to deliver an onion taste was the collapse of his contrived wings, and what caused the taste of these onion rings to hurtle down to oblivion.

In short, there was basically no onion taste. One could be forgiven for assuming that these were little more than moderately well-seasoned circles of breading wrapped around a pale faux-facsimile of an onion, perhaps made of cardboard or wood pulp. The onions were cut far too thin, and the rings themselves fried for far too-long, for any onion taste to survive the cooking process. Additionally, when I ordered, I was promised a tantalizingly mysterious "bistro sauce" to accompany the rings, which was noticeably absent from my final order.

The Log Cabin is little more than a den of deception, preying on the frailty of human sensation and memory to spin a devious web of lies and insufficient taste in onion rings.

Texture: 2/5

The web of deception continues with texture. On one's first bite, one could think that these onion rings are sufficient, even bordering on good. A solid crunch permeates the batter, and there's nary an instance of the dreaded slippage.

Unfortunately, these positive attributes are solely the result of failure. These onion rings were dreadfully overdone, leading to the thick and crunchy texture, and the lack of any slippage. What little shreds of onion there initially were in these onion rings, thin-cut and meager though they were, were destroyed by the frying, with all the sweet juices (and taste) removed before they were plated.

The onion texture wasn't "bad," per se. It was more "completely absent and hardly worth mentioning" than anything else. Even the name of the dish, an "onion" ring, is deceit.

Value: 2/5

When all is said and done, $3.75 yielded a medium sized mound of overdone onion rings, lacking in onion taste, but with a few dashes of flavor mixed into the batter. I'd be shocked if these were anything but frozen, and while the quantity was reasonably good for the price-tag, the quality left much to be desired.

With regards to onion rings, the Log Cabin is little more than a den of deception, preying on the frailty of human sensation and memory to spin a devious web of lies and insufficient taste in onion rings.

Total: 9.5/20

Outback Steakhouse (Everywhere)

A year ago, I made the momentous decision to expand Sola Cepa beyond onion rings alone, to encompass any sort of breaded and fried onion concoction that the world could throw at me. This decision has had dramatic ramifications on the entire review process, and radically expanded the possible world of restaurants I could review.

The famed Bloomin' Onion, from what I can only assume is a vigorously-researched replication of a traditional Australian recipe, comes from Outback Steakhouse. I had long endeavored to sample this delicacy, but found it difficulty to justify ordering and consuming almost 2,000 Calories of an onion based dish on my own. Thankfully, the occasion arose to go with others. Thanks to Mike, Kelsey, Chris, and Keely for joining me on this quest, and a special thanks to Kelsey (for providing me with the paper I needed to write this review down as my phone was dead) and Chris (for providing the pen).

Presentation and Appearance: 2.5/5

The Bloomin' Onion, as a culinary concoction, is designed for spectacle, much like the ancient Greek theater. A mere ring is not enough for Outback Steakhouse. No, indeed, they need a bloom, perhaps trying to get diners to associate the greasy mass with a delicate rose. It's an interesting, and bold, concept.

Unfortunately, this Bloomin' Onion was not fully in bloom. While there was an attempt at a delicate fan around the ramekin of "spicy signature bloom sauce," which as far as I can tell was just a completely standard zesty sauce with a bit more seasoning poured in, it failed to fully encompass it. Some petals fell to the plate, wilted, as though defeated by the fryer.

The outer shell of breading was inconsistently coated, leading the the cracked, white husk of the onion interior to shine through. Not only was this flower not fully in bloom, it was scarred and damaged. The breading is a remarkably dark brown, and almost certainly overdone. By contrast, the onion seems raw and underdone, a bizarre and concerning mixture of appearances that does not bode well for this dish.

Taste: 3.5/5

My initial suspicion as to the breading was confirmed on my first bite, as it was badly overdone and crunchy, bordering in some cases on burnt. However, the unique blend of spices and seasoning, which I can only assume is derived from authentic and traditional Australian cuisine, packs a delightful punch. While it doesn't quite make up for the other deficiencies of the breading, it helps a good deal.

The onion taste is likewise remarkably strong. According to a card on the wall in the waiting area, which I read approximately ten times as we waited, and waited, and waited to be seated, the onion was a unique delicacy known as a "spicy" onion. In my years of onion ring reviewing, I've never heard of this exotic crop. I can only assume it is another Australian contribution delivered by the 100% authentic Outback Steakhouse. Spicy though it may be, it is, as I predicted, undercooked.

Though I'm hesitant that their Bloomin' Onion sauce is as signature as they claim, it did deliver a strong complementary flavor to the Bloomin' Onion itself.

Texture: 1/5

Again much like ancient Greek theater, the hubris of the Bloomin' Onion was the source of its own demise. The ambitious plating and presentation, if executed well, showed great potential, but alas.

The onions, as mentioned before, were horrendously underdone, and bordering on raw. I suspect the sheer size of the Bloomin' Onion makes it difficult to get a consistent cook each time. The batter was bizarrely overcooked at the same time, leading to a horrendously unique texture I've never encountered before now.

This mish-mash of texture was responsible for turning the Bloomin' Onion into a wilted rose, if you're feeling poetic, or a collapsed heap, if you're not. With each successive hack of another petal off of the bloom, it disintegrated to a greater and great extent. By the end of it, I was reduced to eating a pile of raw "spicy" onions next to a similar pile of overdone, though flavorful, batter.


Value: 3.5/5

Though the price tag of $8.99 would be steep for a standard order of onion rings, the audacious size of the Bloomin' Onion led to it being a more than filling appetizer for the four who consumed it. Though the execution, and the quality of the taste, was certainly lacking, it was a good amount of food. $8.99 for a bloomin, but it was a sufficient appetizer for four people. Quality was lacking, but it was a decent amount of food.

Total: 9.5/20

The Holiday Bar (Grand Rapids, MI)

An unexpected side effect of Sola Cepa has been the development of a certain boldness instilled in myself when I go from restaurant to restaurant. I am imbued with a profound sense of purpose, strengthening my resolve and my efforts. I know what I am there for, oh eatery, and I am there for that alone.

While sitting at the bar, the staff seemed intend on trying to butter me up with a bevy of alcoholic beverages, no doubt in an attempt to dull my keen tense of taste and put me in a mood fit for jovial spirits, and more inclined to give the onion rings a more favorable review. Not tonight, sir. Not tonight.

Here is a review of onion rings from The Holiday Bar.

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

Plain brown paper rests between a hearty mound of onion rings and a metal tin. My eyes are immediately drawn to the green and white specks dusted delicately atop the batter. Experience has taught me that seasoning onion rings past the fry, and in such a visible manner, was something of an oddity, and it immediately piqued my interest.

While most of the rings are decently plump, a handful of shrunken and malformed rings lurk in the shadowy recesses of the tin, desperately seeking to avoid my gaze. Much as I imagine the humble roadside onion seller tries to hide the desiccated and rotten onions from their more photogenic siblings, the Holiday Bar clearly didn't want me to find these reject rings. It does not work.

A paper cup of ketchup (which I find to be a vile concoction) rests precariously near my precious rings, daring to pollute them. All in all, the appearance is refreshingly classic and homey, though the precarious ketchup placement and malformed rings are to their detriment.

Taste: 3.5/5

Even before I get a hint of the tantalizing seasonings resting atop the batter, my first bite reveals a greasy world of onion juice. With the grease comes a decent and solid onion flavor, which is just present enough to deliver a good taste without being overwhelming. The weak onion rings in the back, however, lacked the same flavor profile.

While the batter itself isn't tremendously flavorful, the seasoning added after the cooking, certainly including some ground salt and a dash of a number of savory herbs, adds a wonderful dimension to these onion rings that many others lack. This is a splendid example of how the appearance of an onion ring (the mottled specks of green and white on top of the batter) can build anticipation for the flavors yet to be unearthed, as a great apocalypse.

I cannot vouch for how the ketchup may or may not have affected the taste, as I refused to touch it. The thought of ketchup touching the glory of an onion ring makes me shudder, and weep for the poor souls this horror has been delivered to prior to my arrival.

Texture: 3/5

When you've been in the hard game of onion ring reviews as long as I have, you start to recognize patterns. An onion ring that tastes mightily of onion juices is typically accompanied by a mushy onion, with the juicy flavors coming at the expense of structural integrity of the onion itself. This was the case here, as the onions were soft and squishy, and mildly overdone.

The beer batter managed to provide a reasonable and soft bite, while my mastication delivered the sound and sensation of a slight crunch. It makes up somewhat for the onion, as providing a good texture with soft battered rings can be a tricky beast. The gnarled rings in the back are far too overdone to say the same of, though.

The slippage scourge returns, as soft batter and mushy onions make are a potent recipe for separation of the constituent components of the rings. While they has a number of good textural elements, these onion rings failed to meaningfully combine them into a positive whole.

Value: 3.5/5

For $6, I got a tin packed with reasonably thick cut rings.While $6 is a little steep for the amount of onion rings I received, they were certainly made in-house and with a reasonable degree of precision. All in all, these onion rings provided reasonable taste at a reasonable price, with an almost-stellar appearance, barring the reject rings in the corner.

Total: 14/20

IRON Restaurant (Grand Rapids, MI)

Providence is an underrated force in human events. The confluence of factors that go into making a decision, like deciding to do another sweep of onion rings in downtown Grand Rapids, a day free of lunch plans, and a steely resolve to eat and review onion rings that fills my gullet like little else can do, can form a perfect storm of good timing and good fortune.

IRON Restaurant is closing its doors permanently effective tonight. It is only through providence that I managed to get a taste of their onion rings, before they were relegated to Grand Rapids culinary history.  If you're reading this, you may have one final chance to eat these onion rings, a soon to be relic, at IRON Restaurant's literal last supper tonight.

This is a momentous occasion for Sola Cepa. My initial vision was only to evaluate restaurants the world over by the Onion Ring Standard, but I now realize a second aim. Sola Cepa can serve as an archive of onion rings that are no more. Much like the Byzantine preservation of ancient Greek texts, which bolstered an early Renaissance in Europe, I can only hope this repository of knowledge can generate wisdom and progress in the years to come.

Here's a review of onion rings from IRON Restaurant.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

My rings arrive plated on a rectangular and dark brown plate, with a metal cup of dipping sauce resting on one edge. The presentation is modern, without yielding itself too much to the pretension that can plague the style, and fitting.

Roughly half of them are gloriously thick cut (per the menu, they are purportedly made from local onions), cooked to a golden brown perfection, and plump and pleasing to the palate. Unfortunately, the other half range from burnt to a crisp and covered with the barest hints of a patchy batter, to middling between the two extremes of plump and crisp.

Taste: 4/5

The accompanying BLIS BAST mayo, a tantalizing dipping sauce for the onion rings, was perhaps the best accompanying sauce I have ever had for onion rings. It was flavored with a spicy tang, but absolutely packed to the brim with taste. The sauce alone elevated these onion rings, even the charred and overdone ones, to heights that would have been otherwise unreachable. The sauce was more than a complement to the onion rings, it was like a rope pulling a scared child out of a well.

When cooked well, the IPA batter on the onion rings was delivered a bite full of seasoning, and packed a surprising amount of flavor into each ring. Even many of the rings which appeared charred and overdone still maintained a solid batter taste. The onions were strong without being overpowering, and many had the perfect amount of onion juices and grease, middling without tacking to excess.

An innovative and tasty dipping sauce, a flavorful IPA batter, and some well cooked thick cut local onions made for a pleasant bite. Unfortunately, only a little over half of the onion rings managed to reach that lofty height. The rest were over-done, not fully covered with the batter, or had onions sliced far too thin to stand up to the heat of the fryer.

Texture: 3.5/5

The batter is the true star of these onion rings. When cooked properly, the batter was simultaneously crunchy enough to warrant substantial chewing, but soft and light enough to seemingly disappear in my mouth as I ate it. These were nearing the ideal density, and usually maintained shape under pressure. It's remarkably difficult to get a battered texture right (or, more likely, most restaurants don't feel as passsionately about onion ring texture as I do), but these were on point.

There were more than a few instances of the dreaded slippage, and a handful of instances of shedding on some of the burnt ones. Even the seemingly overdone onion rings, for the most part, preserved the soft and buttery texture of the batter, a testament to its strength.

I suspect that the charred onion rings were mostly the result of a thin cut onion, contra the menu's claim of a thick cut. Subjected to the same fry time as the proper onions, they were unable to stand up to the pressure. In these rings, the onions were charred and blackened, so dry that they lacked even grease. They were a far cry from the quality of the batter.

Value: 2.5/5

For the steep price of $8, I got a confusingly mixed quality plate of onion rings. If they were all of the caliber of the top rings, I would be a little more forgiving, but charging such a premium and failing to deliver consistent, high-quality rings is a travesty.

These onion rings were on the verge of greatness, and they showed many signs of it. The amazing sauce, the robust batter, and the thick onions, when executed properly, were some of the best I've ever had. Unfortunately, these onion rings failed to live up to their own potential, perhaps much like IRON Restaurant itself.

The inconsistency in appearance, taste, and texture held them back from soaring to the heavens, but they still managed to jump pretty high.

Total: 13.5/20

Steak 'n Shake (Everywhere)

Steak 'n Shake has always evoked an odd nostalgia in me. It reminds me of simpler times. Meeting up with friends before going to a movie (which, incidentally, was the occasion for this trip to Steak 'n Shake), celebrating the conclusion of opening night of a high school play, going off to a sock hop, enlisting to fight in the Korean War, buying a house for a bag of oats and firm handshake, and so on.

Despite all this nostalgia, I'd yet to ever try their onion rings. Here's a review of onion rings from Steak 'n Shake. Thank you to Ryan V., David S., and Micah W. for accompanying me.

Presentation and Appearance: 2.5/5

Color is an oft-overlooked variable when reviewing onion ring quality. Too pale, and the rings seem lifeless. Too dark, they're almost inevitably overdone. Getting a light golden brown is deceptively complex, and these onion rings succeed in spades. The breading is more than a little gnarly, and definitely fails to properly cover the onion rings in full.

The meager mound of onion rings makes a pitiful pile on a plain white plate, variate in size and covering but consistent in color, if nothing else.

Taste: 3.5/5

These onion rings are demonstrably juicy and moist. While these terms often describe admirable attributes in any number of dishes, it's a bit odd to describe onion rings as such. However, the flavors work. The onion taste is strong, and reinforced by an ample helping of delicious juices, percolating within the recesses of the golden circles.

There's also a preponderance of grease, but somehow, when mixed with the juices, it seems to work. The batter is reasonably well seasoned, and delivers a nuanced taste of salt and pepper. Though these onion rings don't look like they'd have a tremendous amount of flavor, it managed to hide within.

Texture: 1.5/5

What these had in taste, they lost in texture. The juicy onion interior of the rings came at the price of an overly-mushy (and probably over-fried) onion, leading to a characteristic lack of firmness and structural integrity. The rings were also shockingly dense, perhaps owing to the batter welded firmly to the moist onions.

The frequent shedding and slippage of the onion, and the inability of the dissimilar parts to stay together, drive this point home. While the batter did manage to maintain a slight crunch, just as the last gasps of a man chopped in half technically have some sound and meaning, it was insufficient to cover up the wet onions and the weak breading. While they have the original appearance of density, in truth, this was an illusion, delivered by Big Steak 'n Shake to foist the chaotic blob onto unsuspecting diners.

Value: 3.5/5

Too often in this world, I feel as though I don't get what I pay for. My consumer surplus, after factoring in the regret of a bad purchase, can erode entirely. The onion rings from Steak 'n Shake, however, are about what you pay for. For $2.59, I got a small plate of alright looking, alright tasting, onion rings, that went down with heat and grease to accompany my tall, cool shake.

Total: 11/20

Peppermill Grill (Rockford, MI)

The ubiquity of onion ring offerings in restaurants across the land is among the many reasons I began Sola Cepa. It's almost impossible to exhaust all the onion ring locations in a single city, let alone a state, the nation, or the world. My quest, which same may call quixotic, can never end as long as I walk this Earth. It was this quest that brought me slightly out of Grand Rapids into dangerous and unexplored territories to the north.

Here's a review of onion rings from the Peppermill Grill in Rockford, Michigan.

Presentation and Appearance: 2.5/5

A shallow white bowl envelops a mound of reasonably golden brown onion rings. It's simple, but perhaps a bit bland. Generally speaking, presentation can afford to simple if the appearance of the rings themselves deliver. Unfortunately, these onion rings miss the mark.

The biggest offender by far is the excessive number of cracked, frayed, and pulverized onion rings mixed in with the complete ones. I suspect part of the problem is that the onions themselves are too thinly cut to maintain shape under frying and plating, or perhaps a lack of care and precision at any step in the process. They do, however, have a reasonably consistent coating of batter and a good color.

Taste: 2.5/5

The thin cut onions come home to roost on my first bite. On more than a handful of rings, the onion taste was bitterly weak. Others, however, were packed with flavor, rife with the sweet greasy juices that only the onion can deliver. In the latter case, the rings delivered solidly, but the inconsistency was its downfall.

The batter was unlike any I have ever tasted. It didn't seem to be seasoned all that well, beyond a brush or two of grease, but I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else in the batter giving it a unique flavor. It may have been cornmeal, but it was certainly a non-standard addition, giving the batter, if not a "kick," at the very least a light, jovial slap on one's back to indicate its presence, in the manner of a long lost friend.

A massive plastic container of ranch accompanied the rings, far in excess of the consumption needs of even the most pale denizen of the Midwest, which may or may not be me. It was alright, nothing special, and mostly served to mask the lack of onion flavor in some of the weaker rings.

Texture: 3.5/5

Coating on an onion ring, whether breading or some kind of batter, is a tricky beast. The batter on these onion rings was unlike any I have ever encountered, in both taste and texture. The coating itself was thin, but it had a fiendish strength despite the lack of thickness, maintaining shape even under pressure.

It reminded me of a shell on some mythical onion ring crustacean, with enough density to survive, but if you really pushed at it, it would collapse. The shell-like batter was also unusually sticky, a strong potential contributor to its cohesion. Unfortunately, the strength of the batter resulted in a good deal of slippage from the onions within.

The onions, unfortunately, did not match up to the mystique of the batter. As mentioned above, inconsistency ruled the day. They ran the gamut from mushy and juicy to a dried out husk.

Value: 3.5/5

The bowl of onion rings was pretty full and fairly filling, at a reasonable $2.95. The cracked rings, and the weak onions, make these onion rings slightly less of a great value.

Total: 12/20

Choo Choo Grill (Grand Rapids, MI)

My calling, though noble, can rack my tranquility. As I drive by any given restaurant in my daily life, I'm forced to evaluate the likelihood that they have onion rings. My ever-expanding list of restaurants to conquer fluctuates wildly with whatever happens to come into sight.

I've driven past the Choo Choo Grill hundreds of times in the past two years, and I finally went in, to satisfy both my curiosity and my insatiable, never-ending drive for more onion rings.

Presentation and Appearance: 2/5

Language is a tricky thing. The same word, like "simple" or "bare-bones" could be said of two wildly different things, one of which may more perfectly illustrate the true definition of the term. All that is to say that the presentation of these onion rings was, in fact, simple. They were served in a tangled pile on a small, white plates. That's it. It's fitting for the diner aesthetic of the Choo Choo Grill, though not the most impressive. 

The onion rings run into more trouble in their appearance. I can immediately tell that they're overcooked, as evidenced by the dark, dark brown coating, and the frays in the batter. They have a somewhat consistent size and cut, but that comes not from art of the craft, but from the purchase of a large plastic bag of frozen onion rings. 

The restaurant was set up in a small building, with counter seating surrounding the grill and fry area. As I was paying my bill, I noticed a new batch of onion rings going in the fryer, being delicately spooned from a large plastic bag, obviously pre-made, obviously frozen. Though I've had my share of frozen onion rings before, this is the first time I've seen the indelicate and mechanistic frying, bereft of care, bereft of love. 

Taste: 1.5/5

My eyes did not deceive me, as the predominant taste of these onion rings was an overdone batter, often bordering on badly burnt. The onions, cut razor-thin, failed to deliver a substantial onion taste. Given the long fry-time, there was little chance for the onion juices to mingle with the ubiquitous grease, making for a remarkably dry onion ring. 

In short, these were largely flavorless. It was burnt breading with a vague hint of onion, flavored in a pool of grease. 

Texture: 1.5/5

As with all other aspects of these onion rings, the texture was almost solely determined by the overpowering, overcooked, and slightly burnt breading. The onions, when they weren't desiccated husks of what may have been an onion at some point in time, did deliver some okay texture, but it was mostly dry, and masked by the awful batter. 

In addition, they fell prey to the cardinal sin of onion rings: slippage. 

Value: 2/5

As I was originally working through my notes for this review, I was cautiously optimistic on value. When filling out my check, I saw the dread of the bag of frozen onion rings poured with a modicum of care into the fryer, and my heart sank. 

I originally thought $3.39 for a decent sized pile of sub-par onion rings wasn't too bad, but when confronted with the absolute fact that they were pre-made and frozen, I couldn't help but feel it was a rip-off, at best. At worst, it's a crime against all things Allium, and an affront to all things good in life. 

Total: 7/20