Kitchen 67 (Grand Rapids, MI)

Motivation is a fickle mistress. After months of inactivity, Sola Cepa burst back onto the scene, as I renewed my onion ring fixation with an unmatched vigor. Unfortunately, as the ebb and flow of time and life washed over me, my motivation for excess reviews of onion rings waned. A balance must be struck, as the Aristotelian Golden Mean. Sustainable, long-term output is more important than vague bursts of reviews.

That said, here's a review of onion rings from Kitchen 67. Thank you to Dave for the suggestion.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

In a unique twist on the classic, the wax paper that lines the squarish ceramic bowl is printed int he facade of a newsprint, an attempt to hearken back to something homey and unique. While it's a relatively convincing fake, and it does add a bit of a twist on the standard white or red-and-white checkered paper, I don't know how much it ultimately adds to the equation. It does, however, stand out.

The rings themselves are demonstrably hand-battered, but not with delicate care. They are messy and haphazard, with hills of gnarled batter climbing off the rings to and fro. They're a bit on the darker side of golden brown, perhaps indicative of a slightly too-long fry time.

Taste: 1.5/5

I often throw around the term "greasy" when reviewing onion rings, but I feel the overuse of that term has led to an underappreciation of the extent of grease that is possible. These onion rings, rather than being delicately brushed with a thin layer of grease, were drenched with a series of successive buckets in a desperate attempt to drown the poor onion rings.

As you can gather, these were remarkably greasy. I got hints of seasoning in the batter at times, but these hints were overwhelmed by the powerful grease. Indeed, after finishing the rings, a small pool of grease collected in the center, something I've never seen before.

Overall, the taste was overpowering, and not all that pleasant. The accompanying dipping sauce, never identified, was bizarrely both bland and poor in taste. All that said, the onions had a decently strong flavor, the only positive of taste yet identified.

Texture: 3/5

The texture was a mixed bag. The batter delicately collapsed with a pop, as it puffed extravagantly out from the inconsistent (mostly thin) cut onion. To deem it a crunch would be a misnomer, and it was far more of a pop.

The batter, however, was oddly heavy, despite the pop in the bite. Each bite built a successive layer in the pit of my stomach, forming a dense layer of greasy batter and onions. There was far, far too much batter for the size of the onions. It might be more accurate to term these "piles of greasy batter that have a little bit of onion inside of them that may or may not be in the shape of a ring" rather than an onion ring.

What little onion I did encounter were decent. They were soft, without becoming mushy and overcooked, and provided a nice, soft, juicy bite. Unfortunately, the greasy ball of batter overpowered that.

Value: 2.5/5

For $2.99, I got a reasonably sized bowl of relatively mediocre onion rings. The quality left something to be desired, but the amount was adequate. They were filling, to an overwhelming extent.

Total: 10/20

Graydon's Crossing (Grand Rapids, MI)

Graydon's Crossing reminded me a hole-in-the-wall that had nothing else around it, making it more of an outcropping that resembled a hole springing from the earth. As I plunged into the depths of this curious place, I was set and determined to eat another in a long, perpetual series of onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Graydon's Crossing.

Presentation and Appearance: 4.5/5

I can genuinely say that I have never, ever, seen onion rings that look quite like these. They are, as the kids like to say, "thick," plump, and tall, at least two of those words being something I've never used to describe onion rings in the past. They're almost like cross-sections of bulbous onion spheres, with a handful of holes drilled in to make them true rings.

The batter is clearly thick, and coats what is certainly a massive cut of onion, both in height and width. They are, as the menu claims, "super colossal." Sprinkled with cilantro as a garnish, the specks of green make for an interesting dish. While the beer batter is appealing, there are more than a few gaps in the facade. That said, this is only a minor mark on their appearance, with everything else being a delight.

The presentation, like the restaurant, is classy and simple, on a bowl-like plate and served with a ramekin of cilantro ranch.

Taste: 4/5

The colossal size of the onion rings is not quite matched by the taste, though it does come close. The thickness of the rings, both as a whole and in the constituent parts of the onion and the batter, meant that the quantity of flavor was supreme. The onions were cooked just right, able to maintain their shape while still secreting copious amounts of juices, all without devolving to a mushy mess.

They were, as a result, fairly greasy, though the amount of grease compared to the surface area of the onion ring is roughly standard. The batter is very well seasoned, particularly with the flakes of cilantro mixed in with the batter.

The cilantro ranch provided a uniquely spicy kick accompanying the rings, making the first unique foray into what might be construed as Mexican inspired onion rings.

While there was a big flavor for these rings, I think the sheer size of the onion, and the thickness of the batter, was responsible more than anything else.

Texture: 3/5

The batter on these onion rings were the absolute thickest I have ever encountered. It was tough and crunchy, and took serious effort to gnaw my way through the brick-like edifice. The texture was good, but there was just an extraordinary amount of it. "Woe, woe to you, great onion ring, you mighty city of Allium!" Alas, onion ring. Alas, as you collapse under the weight of your own hubris.

Each bite led to successive layers of the rings of the batter shedding off, like a collapse of the walls of Constantinople, with my tooth cannons chipping away at its once mighty defenses. The edifice, which looked so mighty, had a weak structural integrity, borne out by the bitter truth of experience.

Much like the treasures and loot hidden within Constantinople, for the conquering invaders to pluck at their whim, the onion had a shiny and silky smooth texture. They were thick and meaty, and helped the onion ring gain ground at the loss of points from the impenetrable batter.

Value: 4/5

These four onion rings cost $4, for a dollar apiece. While it's very pricey per ring, the size and quality of the taste made them a more than reasonable value.

Total: 15.5/20

The Mason Jar (Colorado Springs, CO)

Dedication to craft often takes the form of sacrifice. Artists suffer in order that they may produce great, emotional, visceral works of art. Entrepreneurs labor and struggle for years to earn a profit through creating value for others as a result of voluntary, mutually beneficial transactions.

Humble onion ring reviewers, of which there are at least one (it's me), spend an uncomfortable amount of their free time exhaustively researching new restaurants, even while, say, prepping for a cross-country trip, all for the purpose of consuming and reviewing more and more onion rings. I do it all for you, dear readers.

Here's a review of onion rings from The Mason Jar in Colorado Springs.

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

The white, ceramic bowl immediately proves that the presentation of these onion rings is a cut above the norm. A healthy mound of onion rings surrounds a ramekin of creamy ranch dipping sauce, and the whole concoction rests on a mound of red cabbage, which is certainly a first.

In another unique approach to the onion ring, the rings are delicately hand breaded, and fried to an almost perfect light brown. The non-industrialized, artisanal breading speaks well to the potential taste and quality to come.

My only complaint with these onion rings is one that plagues many hand-made rings; the inconsistent covering on the onions. The batter misses more than a few handfuls of spots, leaving a glistening red onion interior shining out.

Taste: 3.5/5

The red onions were what attracted me to The Mason Jar as a stop in my limited in the Springs. Though I love all varieties of onion, I've always had a certain fondness for the flavors and aromas of the red onion. In all my time reviewing onion rings, I've never had one made with red onions.

Imagine my disappointment when, instead of the crisp and sharp flavors of a red onion, I was met with a remarkably plain and mild standard onion taste. There was perhaps a little more zest than in a normal white onion, and certainly more than a sweet onion, but I was certainly expecting more. This may perhaps be caused by the relatively thin cut of the red onion within.

The breading, which I was delighted to see was done by hand, delivered a stronger flavor. It was well seasoned with salt and spices, along with a tolerably mild amount of grease. This mixed with the admittedly mild red onion flavor to deliver a cohesive and zesty combination.

As a final note, the ranch dipping sauce upped the zing to another level. The flavors were surprisingly strong, while simultaneously not overwhelming, and provided a solid accompaniment to the onion rings.

Texture: 5/5

The highlight of this dish is the delicate breading, applied by hand with what I can only assume to be extensive love and care. The subtly and solid crunch that it provides makes for an evocative experience on one's taste buds. The red onions, meanwhile, are soft, but not to the point of being nothing more than mush. I suspect part of the reason for their softness is the thin cut of the ring.

The combination of the soft onion and the not-too-hard breading leads these onion rings to almost literally melt in your mouth, with a juicy, buttery finish. These onion rings are a curious mixture of the hard and the soft, erring much more towards soft, small, and smooth. After what seems like eons of eating nothing but beer-battered onion rings, they are a welcome change of pace.

Value: 3.5/5

$6.79 yielded a large bowl of hand-made red onion rings for me and my girlfriend, sufficing as an excellent lead-in to our meals. They were tasty, filling, melt-in-your-mouth, and as all appetizers should be, they were simply appetizing.

However, for the steep price, I would have hoped for a few more onion rings, and these were a bit over the value I think their quantity and quality warrants.

Total: 16/20

Jack In The Box (Everywhere)

As I awoke on my last day in Colorado Springs, with a flight time mere hours away, I was struck with a sense of vast urgency. I couldn't let all these opportunities to taste a myriad, a practical cornucopia, of onion rings, pass me by. Allegra was kind enough to drive me on a whistle-stop tour throughout Colorado Springs, as I eagerly looked up any fast food venue absent, or scarce, in my native home, desperate to taste the circular goodness that is the onion ring.

Here's a review of onion rings from Jack In The Box, at a Colorado Springs location.

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

Listed on the menu as Panko breaded, my mind conjured up an image reminiscent of the quasi-covered onion rings from House of Yakitori, just down the road. when I opened the delightful carton, I was pleasantly surprised to see a relatively consistent coating of Panko bread. The presentation of the onion rings was surprisingly good for a fast food enterprise, with a sealed container to ensure freshness, heat, and no spillage within any bag or travel, and the onion rings were stacked appealingly within. 

There were some problems with the inconsistency of the breading, as might be expected with Panko, but the coating of breadcrumbs did give a pleasantly bumpy appearance, with hills and valleys of breading resembling the Rocky Mountains surrounding me. They were golden brown and seemed imbued with sheer exuberance, and were nicely of a relatively uniform size. 

Taste: 3/5

A greasy, breaded, fried onion is perhaps the best encapsulation of an onion ring. Taste-wise, the onions are the star of this dish, with my first bite revealing a surprising amount of onion flavor. The breading is tasty, but it's not terribly well-seasoned. All I really get is more than a dash of grease, and less than a dash of salt.

Possibly as a consequence of the Panko breading, these onion rings are unusually dry, even with the grease, which detracts from their overall taste.

Texture: 2.5/5

In a stunning reverse of the above, but in a way that shouldn't be surprising given the prominence of the Panko, the breading has the superior texture of these onion rings. The crumbs were fried just long enough to make the breading the ideal level of hardness. They were crunchy without being too hard, and had enough give to make a pleasant sound to the ears, and a pleasant sensation on the teeth, as the chomps reverberated through my cranium.

Unfortunately, the onion rings had far more slippage than was ideal, and on the majority of occasions, the onion slid out from the breading, leading me to functionally eat some sauteed onions with a pile of breadcrumbs. As it was since time immemorial, hubris was the downfall of these onion rings, as the shiny edifice of Panko collapsed under its own weight.

The onion texture, when present, was acceptable. They were surprisingly thin cuts of of onion, especially given the size of the onion rings, and left something to be desired. What was present, however, was good, not too mushy nor too raw.

Value: 4/5

For a mere $2.99, seven medium sized onion rings awaited me in a pleasant carton, prepared quickly and tastily. For the price, the quantity of the onion rings was terrific, and the quality, while not perfect, was a cut above the norm for fast food. I would have liked a few more, and a bit less slippage, but the value was great regardless.

Total: 13.5/20

Golden Flame Hot Wings (Colorado Springs, CO)

Though I appreciate a nice hot wing, my heart has always been devoted to another fried delight, the onion ring. I felt a craving for chicken wings that I hadn't felt in many moons recently, but I realized it represented yet another opportunity to subject onion rings to the stringency of the Onion Ring Standard.

Thank you to Allegra for again accompanying me on my quest. Here's a review of onion rings from Golden Flame Hot Wings in Colorado Springs. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

The carton, while being a slightly different red and white pattern from most red and white patterned cartons, was fairly standard, as was the paper separating the rings from the carton. As is so often the case with presentation, it was nothing special, nothing egregious. 

Dark brown batter of varying shades coats the onion rings, running the gamut from golden-brown to the shade of the mountains and foothills surrounding me as I glance out the window. The darker shaded onion rings have a tendency to mask inconsistent battering, making them look more evenly coated than they are. 

Taste: 3.5/5

These onion rings were fairly modal in most aspects, such as size, consistency, and taste. As suggested by the darkened batter on the onion rings, they may have spent a little too much time in the fryer. That extra time did lead to some marked improvements in taste, however, most prominently featuring a hearty dose of onion juices unleashed by the fryer. 

The overcooked nature of the rings also led to a little less grease on the onion rings themselves, another plus, though it comes at the expense of a proper fry time. Beyond that, the breading has a pleasant and mildly seasoned taste, which is somewhat overshadowed by some of the other problems. 

Texture: 2.5/5

My initial impressions of the texture of these rings were positive on most fronts. The onions were in the middle ground between raw and mushy, and the batter was hard and crisp. Further reflection, however, revealed that the texture of these onion rings was only the result of overcooking. 

Occasional slippage helped reveal this fact, as did the minute space between batter and onion. While the texture had its positive attributes, most were only a result of cooking them near to the point of burning, as though some good onion rings were made and then heaped into a fire and then reluctantly fished out and plated to unsuspecting customers. 

Value: 3.5/5

A modest sized basket of these beer-battered onion rings was $4.99. For the price, I felt the quantity was lacking, though the taste and texture were about par for the course, barring the problems with being overdone. 

Total: 13/20

House of Yakitori (Colorado Springs, CO)

I believe the onion ring is a dish that can transcend borders, language, and culture. It is but one of many manifestations of the cosmopolis of markets and exchange that tie the world together. The circular nature of the onion ring may even be thought of as representing the inherent ties between and among all men and women on this earth.

The onion rings from the House of Yakitori encapsulate the culinary ties that bind us together, providing a Japanese twist on a Western classic. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

The presentation and plating of these onion rings is ornate and modern, while simultaneously evoking a sense of fond comfort. Rather than the traditional heap, they are delicately balanced across the long plate, giving me pause before diving in, lest I collapse the intricacy before me. 

A loose coating of Panko breading covers the large and thick cut onions, resembling a growth of some mysterious substance across the surface of the onion rings. This perception is magnified by the inconsistent coating, with the white onions on high display. Despite the mess, there's something charming about the Panko breading, and they make the onion rings seem light and airy. 

Taste: 3/5

The overwhelming flavor of these onion rings is simply onion. Between the large and thick cut of the onions themselves, coupled with the light and patchy coating, really lets the flavor of the onion shine. These were lightly fried just long enough to unleash the delicious juices of the onion. 

The breading, however, failed to provide any substantial taste. The overwhelming taste of these onion rings was nothing more, or less, than onions and grease. The accompanying dipping sauce, presumably some sort of ranch, was creamy and well seasoned, which did further develop some flavors in the onion. 

Texture: 2.5/5

The delicate onion rings were light, and had a tendency to crumble if exposed to too much pressure. I blame this primarily on the scarce breading, which did not cover the whole of the rings, and what was there wasn't on all that tight. 

I've written voluminously in the past on the dread of "slippage", wherein the onions fall out of the batter and the parts of the onion ring separate. This is the first time I've ever encountered the opposite, where bites often led to the breading falling off, with only the onion remaining. I've dubbed this problem "shedding", and these Panko rings fall prey to this new dilemma routinely. 

As mentioned above, the thick onions that make up the core of the onion ring make for a solid bite. They are thick without being underdone, and juicy without being overcooked. The Panko breading, where present, provides a solid crunch, with a surprisingly good consistency. 

Value: 4/5

$2.65 buys a medium sized plate of surprisingly large onion rings, which more than sufficed as a shared appetizer for me and my girlfriend before our Yakitori. I would have liked a bit more breading to truly make these onion rings, rather than fried onions with a light Panko coating. 

Total: 13/20

Tucanos Brazilian Grill (Colorado Springs, CO)

Among the many vacation activities I've taken in Colorado Springs to date, up to and including driving up what I considered to be a mountain, but was later informed it was a "small foothill" of "only" 8,000 feet or so, I was treated to a late birthday dinner by my girlfriend, Allegra. Despite being a Brazilian grill, Tucanos seemed to my American mind like a beautiful dream, where staff wandered about with various skewered meats and served them to your table every few minutes, with a massive and fully stocked salad bar.

In addition to eating enough calories for the next three days or so, we split an order of the Onion Tropical, the closest thing I could find to onion rings at Tucanos Brazilian Grill.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Given that I've never heard of a "tropical onion" before, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. Per the menu, they are "seasoned sweet onion straws", which are functionally chopped up onion rings, of variate size and thickness. The presentation is not necessarily neat, but I don't think it's intended to be. Various mounds of the onion straws surround a central bowl (of tropical mango dipping sauce), with a mystery powder substance on top, (which my dinner companion later correctly identified as parmesan.)

The festive platter is fitting for the venue, makes for an inviting dish, and facilitates easy sharing. The appearance of the onion straws, while interesting, do lack a certain consistency in batter covering, and the variate size can make the appearance a little messy. They are certainly exciting, but they do lack a certain quality of refined presentation.

Taste: 4.5/5

I was already a bit disoriented when the tropical onion straws arrived, perhaps by the copious amounts of various Brazilian meat dishes that had already come to the table. The unusual presentation only increased my uncertainty: what would these taste like?

Most good onion rings have a strong onion flavor as a necessary component of the taste. These tropical onion straws, however, had an incredibly mild onion taste, a reflection of the sweet onions they were made from. Further exploration revealed that every component of the plate, from the batter, to the thick mango glaze, to the gentle sprinkling of parmesan and other sweet and savory bits on top of the straws, were deliberately structured to provide a cohesive taste.

That taste was sweet, which floored me. Onion rings are typically a greasy and a savory dish, two things which I love, but this was neither. Though there was some grease, as is to be expected with anything fried, the taste was overpowered by the strength of the sweet onions and the batter. The accompanying tropical mango sauce was thick and syrupy, almost like a glaze, and dripped and slid slowly down each straw on consumption.

Tucanos has revealed an entirely new world of fried onions to me, revealing an inner sweetness (through the sweet onions) that I never thought possible. The Tropical Onion was billed as an appetizer, but in truth, I would consider this an excellent dessert. Somehow, they have devised a way to turn fried onions into a mild and sweet dessert dish, displaying an entirely new dimension in the constantly evolving world of fried onion concoctions.

I've docked a half a point solely for inconsistency in flavor that resulted from the variation in cut and thickness of the sweet onions.

Texture: 3.5/5

As alluded to above, these had a soft and flaky texture, almost pastry like, which contributed to my classification of this dish as a dessert, rather than a traditional appetizer. Despite the softness, the batter still delivered a sufficient crunch, without being mind-blowing. There were no instances of slippage, but I believe the choice of onion straws made this an easy task to fulfill.

That said, the flakiness of the batter often led to bits and crumbles falling off on consumption, an unfortunate consequence of the bold experiments of flavor.

Value: 5/5

For a mere $4.99, we received a truly massive platter of the onion straws. For what may be a Sola Cepa first, we were completely unable to finish the full plate, which is certainly a consequence of the massive amounts of other food we ate that night.

That said, I can think of no complaints for either the quantity of the tropical onion straws we received that night, and it was worth every penny.

Total: 16.5/20