On the Grid (Allegan, MI)

My age has started to sneak up on me in subtle ways. My steadily growing interest in a well-maintained lawn. The inability to drink bottom-shelf liquor. Most recently, it's been a steadily growing fascination in a somewhat unremarkable place - Allegan. The city has the rare distinction of rural charm without depressing urban decay and widespread poverty, largely owing to the corporate presence of Perrigo.

It's nestled next to an extensive state game area (heavily forested and well trailed), and far enough off the beaten path of the interstate to feel remote. The city is also flush with a bevy of well-maintained historical homes and businesses, stemming in part from the bounty that Allegan's own Benjamin D. Pritchard received following the capture of former Confederate president Jefferson Davis at the conclusion of the Civil War.

Unfortunately for Allegan, Sola Cepa only cares about the onion rings. Here's a review of onion rings from On the Grid in Allegan, Michigan.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

The presentation is fairly bare bones, with the onion rings arriving on a standard white plate, albeit decorate with few gray rings. The heaping pile of onion rings is a shock, as I expected far fewer onion rings in a half order. The requisite ranch dipping sauce came in two plastic containers off to the side. I was almost overwhelmed by the delightful scent of the rings, which were clearly hand battered and made fresh just moments before. Though there was one cracked ring and handful of gaps in the batter, the coating of the batter was overall fairly consistent, as was the golden brown color, with a few exceptions for each.

Taste: 4.5/5

When an onion ring is clearly handmade, my mind leaps in anticipation to the flavor of the batter. The batter does not disappoint, brining a moderate and non-overpowering blend of grease and salt. The onions are likely well flavored with just the right amount of thickness. Together, thanks to an impeccable cooking time, batter and onion blend together into a sumptuous bite. My only minimal complaint is that the onions are less flavorful than I would have expected, and I suspect the use of a sweet or Vidalia onion rather than a yellow onion might be the culprit. The ranch is much the same. Though a bit watery and deceptively simple at first glance, the aftertaste sneaks up on you like Benjamin D. Pritchard on Jefferson Davis. Instead of bringing incarceration, they brought a subtle, tangy aftertaste that expertly paired with the onion rings. These onion rings hit the golden mean in terms of taste: not too salty, nor too bland; not too greasy, nor too dry; not too thin, nor too thick. I think their creation clearly stems from an expert hand used to executing simple flavors well.

Texture: 3.5/5

Overall, the batter is crunchy on the initial chew while slowly dissolving in the mouth afterwards, maintaining the golden mean between soft and hard with just the right amount of give. The onions likewise straddle the line between mushy and raw, cooked to deliver the optimal amount of juices with each bite.

The ability to balance both taste and texture between divergent extremes is a rare one, and these onion rings mostly hit the mark. The batter does vacillate between strength and fragility, as bits of the batter harden and chip off onto the plate when biting (what I deem "shedding"), exacerbated by a similar tendency for weaker onion rings to partially dissolve in a cloud of onion particulate.  

Value: 5/5

The onion rings at On the Grid are an absolute home-run in terms of value. The amount of high-quality, homemade onion rings at a $4.50 price point is almost unheard of, and more than makes up for some minor quibbles with onion selection and batter integrity. These are absolutely worth the trip.

Total: 16.5/20

Wahlburgers (Chain)

Much like wedding rings, onion rings bring people together. The past six years of Sola Cepa have provided myriad opportunities for connection with friends and family alike, and downtown Grand Rapids has been the site for dozens of such occasions. Years ago, when I was working in downtown Grand Rapids, the opening of a new restaurant that served onion rings was a remarkable occasion, one I monitored closely.

Unfortunately, after three years of working from home full-time, these sojourns to The Big City have become fewer and farther between, though not entirely absent. In this case, the opening of the Grand Rapids location of Wahlburgers, as well as The Wife being out of town, provided the opportunity to catch up with my good friend Eric over the sweet, circular goodness that is the onion ring.

Here is a review of onion rings from Wahlburgers. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

While the menu bills these as "Thin Crispy Onion Rings," I don't think I had grasped just how thin they would be. The overflowing heap of ribbon-thin onion rings snakes out of the wired basket, cascading and hypnotically swirling between the basket and the plate. They're among the thinnest onion rings I've ever seen, and are topped with green specks of herbs.

The breading is similarly thin, so much so that I wasn't entirely sure it existed on first glance. The plating has a certain elegance, with a metal (not plastic) basket atop a napkin atop a hefty plate, though the effect is somewhat diminished by the sheer volume of onion rings.

Taste: 3.5/5

I was initially highly suspicious of these onion rings, given the small size and thin batter, but the flavor profile was surprisingly refined. Most onion rings, if made properly, are designed to deliver big bursts of flavor - the thick cuts of juicy onion, well salted greasy batter, and so on.

These onion rings were of a more subtle and understated variety, with a delicate seasoning balance between salt, herb, and batter. The thin onion strands were predictably on the lighter side, but it was consistent with the taste of the batter in a way that made sense with the size. Unfortunately, my order was slightly over salted, threatening to swallow the ecosystem of flavor entirely.

The accompanying sauce did not complement the otherwise thoughtful taste, representing some sort of unholy vinegar and tomato fusion that wasn't quite ketchup and wasn't quite Thousand Island Dressing. I think a good sauce would have made significant steps to overcome the saltiness and overall dry profile, though application was difficult given the small size of the onion rings.

Texture: 2.5/5

It's truly a remarkable feat to fry onion strings this thin without burning them to a crisp, but Wahlburgers has done so. While there's little overall moisture in the dish (owing to the small cut of the onions), the crispy onion rings remain light and airy, with the delicate batter somehow holding its shape through cooking and eating. The textural profile is fundamentally dry, with almost no onion juices to speak of, which was unfortunately not remedied by the accompanying sauce. 

Unlike many of the other dry onion rings I've eaten in my time, I think these are intentionally devoid of moisture, and to that extent it was executed within its vision, though it was still ultimately lacking. 

Value: 3/5

These onion rings are truly not onion rings at all. They feel in large part like an over-engineered gourmet burger topping that was added to the sides menu as an afterthought. They don't really work as a side and can't quite stand up as an appetizer, but it was like nothing I've ever tasted before. For $3.50 it's pricy given the quantity of onion, but it brings something new and interesting to the table. 

Total: 13/20

Red Knapp's Rochester (Rochester, MI)

On Day 2 of my one-city food tour of metropolitan Detroit, Micah, Cattandra and I went for a much needed early lunch following our wild night of debauchery (playing pool at a local billiards hall and then watching the film Hello, Dolly!). These onion rings were a major part of my reason for the trip, on the strong recommendation of Micah. Amidst a haphazard collection of vaguely Boomer-nostalgia Americana, I concluded the second and final part of my journey through the cuisine of Motor City. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Red Knapp's Rochester (Rochester, MI). 

Presentation and Appearance: 5/5

I'm immediately fascinated by these onion rings, which arrive on a rectangular metal tray covered with a sheet of wax paper. As with the décor, the presentation immediately evokes a nostalgic, classic American diner - simple, yet elegant.

The tray is well-sized for the five onion rings it contains, which are tastefully arranged and aligned. The onion rings are clearly made in-house, with a remarkable bulbousness that I've seen only rarely. They look like a larger and thicker cross section of a sphere than most onion rings, something lurking in hidden depths. Both color and coating are consistent with a somewhat dark golden brown coloring.

Taste: 4/5

The onion rings were clearly made fresh in-house, as evidenced by appearance and taste. The batter was buttery, greasy, and well-salted, and present in prodigious quantity thanks to the thickness of the onion rings. The thickness of the batter contributed to a slightly sweet taste in the interior portions, cakey in both appearance and taste.

The juicy onion flavor mixed well with the batter, with the whole bite being moist and not overly greasy. The only downside to the taste was in a handful of bites when the onion was sliced too thinly for its flavor to match up to the gargantuan batter, overpowered to more than a slight degree.

All told, the flavors are subtle and largely complementary, and the onion rings are sufficiently juicy and moist that I don't miss the absence of a dipping sauce.

Texture: 3.5/5

On holding these onion rings, they feel like they're almost alive. The tight seal of the thick batter traps a significant amount of air and moisture within the ring, making it squish and bend like the flesh of some grotesque, delicious, onion ring monster. Despite the malleability, they are texturally plump and cakey.

The batter yields surprisingly well on consumption, given its thickness, gently folding in on itself with a soft crunch. The lack of consistency with onion size strikes again, as some of the thinner sliced onions are a bit overcooked relative to the batter. For the larger slices, they were cooked just right.

Though there was no slippage, there were a few instances of shedding, most likely due to the sheer size of the onion rings. On a few of the larger rings, the trapped pocket of air fixed betwixt onion and batter made for a somewhat hollow bite, and goes a long way towards explaining the unique bulbous shape.

Value: 4/5

These onion rings were a tad pricier than the standard "$1 per ring" found for most premium onion rings, costing $6 for 5 thick, handmade onion rings. Given the size, flavor, and appearance, I still think they're a solid value, though the inconsistent sizing does hamper them from soaring to the highest heights of onion ring excellence.

Total: 16.5/20

Rochester Mills Beer Company (Rochester, MI)

Following the Great Thumb Sojourn of 2021, I felt once again animated to paint the state red with onion ring reviews. Fortunately for me, long-time Sola Cepa superfan Micah Wiersma, who also designed the Sola Cepa logo, was the architect of an impressive food tour of metropolitan Detroit, hitting two (2) locations in one (1) city, truly a tour de force of all the great city of Detroit has to offer.

Accompanied by his fiancée Cattandra (though, at time of writing, she is now his wife), we started, and ended, our journey in the city of Rochester, a fabled cosmopolitan metropolis (population 12,711). Coming from the self-proclaimed "Beer City USA" of Grand Rapids, I was intrigued to see the quality of Motor City beer, which left me bitter with disappointment and regret for ever leaving West Michigan. Thankfully for them, beer quality is completely irrelevant to the task at hand.

Here is a review of onion rings from Rochester Mills Beer Company in Rochester Mills, Michigan.

Presentation and Appearance: 2.5/5

The onion rings arrived in a heaped mass, overflowing past the edges of an oblong white plate. The consistent coating is characteristic of the mass-produced, machine-made onion ring. While unbroken and relatively consistent, it bodes poorly for both taste and texture. 

I can state with fairly high confidence by sight alone that these were one of the more popular brands of frozen onion rings, the Brew City 5/8" Beer Battered Thick Cut Onion Rings, which I've encountered several times before. As frozen onion rings go, they look about as good as they can, fried to a relatively consistent golden brown color across rings. 

The second sign of trouble was just as obvious. The onion rings were stuck together in a tangled web on the plate, whether nested inside of one another or merely adhered by some bitter fusion of batter. This was almost certainly the result of pouring the a fused heap of onion rings from a plastic bag directly into a fryer, without a care in the world. 

Taste: 2/5

Straight from the freezer onto the plate, the taste was predictably bland. My first bites gave me a hint of optimism, as the batter had a nice caramelization that complemented the drawn out sweetness of the onion. Though the batter tasted more like "decaying bark from a particularly boring tree" than anything else, Brew City alleges that the onion rings contain paprika (though only for color), onion powder, salt, "spices," and sugar.

I tasted little more than salt, although it was reasonably well salted. As the evening progressed, I tried to dip the onion ring into some of Cattandra's queso blanco dip, but honestly, all I could taste was the dip. The flavor of the onion rings, while present, was so weak that they were completely overpowered by everything else, even the thin, watery beer I was drinking to distract myself from having to eat these onion rings.

Texture: 2.5/5

The slight caramelization on the outer crust of the onion rings was something I truly didn't expect from a frozen brand, and it works well. It gives the batter a satisfying crunch without being overly burnt. Despite this, the onion rings as a whole were incredibly dry, as though all the moisture had been sucked out by whatever foul machine made this concoction. 

Within the ring, the onion was soft, but not mushy, with little onion juices present whatsoever. The dryness of the onion ring contributed to a somewhat well-developed structure, but the tightness of the rings led to some incidences of slippage. 

Value: 0.5/5

For all the many faults of these onion rings, they pale in comparison for the absolute rip-off of the price. For two handfuls or so of bagged, frozen onion rings, Rochester Mills Beer Company charged $7.95, a price almost as high as one could expect at a popular vacation destination instead of "some old building in Rochester."

The only meager point for value I will give is the quantity. There were a decent number of onion rings, but the quality and the preparation were abysmal, satiating only the basest animal instinct for a full belly. Truly a fitting overview for the experience at Rochester Mills Brewing Company as a whole - bland, hollow, overpriced, and completely lacking in any sort of personality or taste. 

Total: 7.5/20

Lefty's Diner (Caseville, MI)

As the sun rose in the east, peaking over the tip of Michigan's Thumb, I awoke in a miasmic haze of onion vapor. My constitution was not like in the annals of my youth, when I could eat onion rings for every meal for weeks on end (not that I ever did, but I'm sure it was possible). Instead, three orders of onion rings, and almost nothing else, over the course of the day wrought much devastation. 

However, my solemn pledge of Sola Cepa had not wavered. I knew I still had more work to do. The journey was not yet over, nor, indeed, could it ever be over. The quest is eternal, even as my body fades quietly, gently into oblivion, as all things must. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Lefty's Diner in Caseville, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (4/5)

The sleek, modern, rectangular plate belies the humble surroundings of the roadside diner, yet it perfectly fits both the half-pound hamburger and the generous side portion of onion rings. The rings are stacked precariously atop one another on the plate, but beneath the chaos is a deep and hidden order, a mystery known only to those who seek it.

The onion rings are large, and very clearly freshly hand battered. Despite the size, the batter seems delicate, especially towards the ends, as they curl up in a coy, lacy, elegance, marked with pockets of batter bubbles throughout. Despite the fresh and intricate batter, the onions are completely coated, with no visible cracks in the batter, although some shedding flecks are scattered on the bottom of the plate in an unappetizing pool of grease.

Taste: (4/5)

I've always found much to admire in any creative endeavor, such as making onion rings, wherein the substance matches the style. Whereas much of modern cinema has imploded in a deluge of increasingly trite social commentary and special effects, wrapped around a meaningless story with inconsequential characters, the onion rings at Lefty's Diner have a batter flavor that matches their lofty appearance.

With the first bite, the batter melts into a smooth, buttery, salty sensation. Though there is a bit too much grease (as evidence by the plating), which detracts from the flavor somewhat, the positive elements outweigh the negative. The onions likewise have a good flavor, though it pales in comparison to the batter. This can be largely attributed to the thin slice of the onions within the rings, and the onion aftertaste lasts longer than the main sensation.

Due to the moisture of these onion rings, I forgot about the dipping sauce until halfway through. The ranch was pretty good - creamy, with what seemed to be a dash of dill. The creaminess smoothed out some of the grease of the batter, though it overpowered the relatively weak onion flavor. 

Texture: (3.5/5)

There are certain clichés I fall into after five some-odd years of reviewing onion rings. One of them is the phrase "melts in your mouth" when describing the textural sensation of onion ring consumption. Though not quite soft, maintaining some rigidity and cohesiveness, the batter is delicate enough to melt in the furnace of the mouth. It's almost porous - not far off from a tempura style battering - with the main difference coming from the crusty shapes sticking up from the edge of the circle.

With a thin onion often comes a mushy texture, particularly for a batter such as this. The onions aren't quite pulverized into slurry, but they are certainly on the softer side, with surprisingly few juices. The batter is the absolute star of this dish, and at times it feels like the onion sort of slips into the background. There's a surprisingly good adhesion betwixt onion and batter, with no slippage, yet ample shedding.

Value: (4/5)

This side portion of onion rings cost $7, which at first glance may seem like a steep price to pay. However, as they were made fresh, by hand, with a terrific batter and execution in the frying, I think it's a solid value for the bite.

Total: (15.5/20)

Beaver's Pub (Bay City, MI)

Walking through the bustling metropolis of Bay City, I noticed my next destination literally across the street from Gatsby's Seafood and Steakhouse, darkened windows hiding what was beneath. I'll admit, it probably wasn't my best idea to immediately go get more onion rings to eat after consuming a whole platter - without even a chance to cleanse my palate - but I am, if nothing else, steadfastly committed to the mission of Sola Cepa. 

Unfortunately, I was about to face one of my greatest challenges to date, on par with the approximately three hours of Olympic racewalking I watched that very day, only with more physical pain and suffering. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Beaver's Pub in Bay City, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3/5)

A cursory overview of these onion rings' appearance leads me to believe these are frozen. The characteristic smoothness of a machine made onion ring, combined with a uniform coating and coloring, are all hallmark characteristics. While there are a handful of gnarled bits and pieces floating beyond the circular perimeter of the ring, there are few gaps, and all are cooked to a crisp golden brown. 

The plate they were served on was an interesting colored ceramic plate, a rarity with onion rings, that seemed almost battered itself, with adequate room for the pile of onion rings, and for the plastic cup of ranch accompanying the dish. All told, these look to be fairly appetizing, though nothing special. 

Taste: (0.5/5)

Aphorisms are a funny thing, particularly because they can be selectively applied at your discretion, much like laws in the obscenely overburdened penal code in the United States. However, I think one applies here - looks can be deceiving. While the onion rings looked fairly good, albeit artificial, the taste was a disgusting abomination. 

I'll start with the onions, which were incredibly greasy and juicy, ordinarily a good sign for onion flavor if nothing else. Despite the absurd volume of grease, there was absolutely no taste in the onions beside a vague sweetness, hinting at little more than bitter disappointment. If anything, the onion tasted like a particularly wet paper towel that may have, at one point, been used to wipe up some greasy residue from some better onion rings. 

The batter wasn't better, with little taste beyond an abundance of tasteless grease, serving as little more than a pathetic shell for the meagre bits of onion taste within. For the sake of these onion rings, I sincerely hope they were frozen, because if this represents a genuine house-made attempt, I must weep for humanity. 

Oftentimes, tasteless onion rings will try to mask the complete lack of flavor with the accompanying dipping sauce. In this case, the ranch dressing was equally tasteless, with nothing but a half-hearted creamy sensation, far too little to even call flavor. All it served to do was moisten the already dripping onion rings, a disappointing finish to a bland dish. 

Texture: (0/5)

The texture of these onion rings was sort of like eating a wet sock that somebody wadded up and fried in rancid oil. The onions, as previously mentioned, were profoundly wet, almost to the point of disintegrating into liquid. The batter was likewise soft, merging seamlessly with the sock-like onions, like some kind of soft brown exoskeleton. 

The complete lack of slippage, despite the absurdly moist onions, spoke to the homogeneity of the ring's texture. Every bite was like chewing into a greasy sponge. 

Value: (0.5/5)

This plate of tasteless, bland, wet slop would be a rip-off at any price. However, for $10, I was genuinely outraged. There's ample quantity, but the quality is not remotely worth it. The onion rings were tasteless and untextured, clearly prepared with no thought, passion, or care. 

For one of the very few times in my history of reviewing onion rings, I was completely unable to finish these onion rings, which sent me into something of an existential quandary. Why would anyone make this? Why would anyone EAT this? 

Despite staying at Beaver's Pub for several hours, consuming copious amounts of vodka tonics while watching a bunch of dudes shuffle quickly through an abandoned Tokyo street during the Summer Olympics, I wasn't even tempted to touch the remaining four onion rings. Eating nothing was preferable to putting this in my mouth. 

Total: (4/20)

Gatsby's Seafood and Steakhouse (Bay City, MI)

On a sunny afternoon in August, I began the first proper leg of my foray into the allium-based cuisine of the greater Saginaw Bay area. I found the city to be a unique mix of empty and charming, the scant tourist crowds of a midweek day blending in seamlessly with the lack of traffic in the "social drinking zone," a consequence of onerous COVID-era regulatory diktats crippling local restaurant revenue. 

Stepping into Gatsby's was like stepping back into the past - not only for its 1920s inspired decor, but also a slim reminder of a time before the rise of a petty gang of bureaucrats and regulators strangling freedom of commerce and prosperity, be they FDR or Gretchen Whitmer. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Gatsby's Seafood and Steakhouse in Bay City, Michigan . 

Presentation and Appearance: (2.5/5)

The onion rings arrived in a flattened black bowl with brown paper, which I found oddly appropriate for the intentionally cultivated atmosphere of a 1920s steakhouse. I know little of the cuisine from this time, but perhaps their onion rings were also known for inconsistent size and coloration, a haphazard mixture of darkened and shriveled rings laid with wild abandon among their larger, golden cousins. 

Despite the issues with size, the batter was fairly consistent, with the patchy elements split between the two species of onion ring. By appearance alone, it's unclear if the flaws of the onion rings are due to the poor execution of a frozen brand, or the unfortunate consequence of the hand-battering process. 

Taste: (4/5)

My first bite of an onion ring provided an immediate and shocking amount of rich, malty flavor, so much so that I was immediately convinced that they were not frozen. A closer read of the menu reveals these are "sweet onion rings dipped in malty beer batter," explaining the concentration of the malty flavor in the batter. Likewise, the batter is more sweet than savory, albeit lightly salted, a bold and fairly uncommon choice among onion rings. 

While the malty beer flavor goes well with the onion, the onion itself doesn't provide as much flavor, despite being sufficiently wet and juicy. I suspect that these onion rings were made with sweet onions, which usually lead to a less pronounced onion taste, perhaps as part of the general theme of sweet instead of savory. 

I have no idea what the accompanying dipping sauce is, with my top guesses being "ketchup," "cocktail sauce that's basically just ketchup," and "mystery sauce." For personal reasons (those reasons being "I hate ketchup"), I did not consume the onion rings with the sauce. 

Texture: (2/5)

Through some combination of factors - possibly including the beer batter, the cooked-through sweet onions, and the variate size of the rings - the onions in these onion rings were absurdly wet, almost sopping with every bite. The inconsistency of the batter - first soft, then crunchy - also brings these rings down a peg. 

If the sweetness of the rings speaks to any aspiration of a desert, the closest comparison I could think of would be an onion-flavored jelly-filled donut, except the jelly is made out of onions and the whole thing is soaked in beer. Would I eat that? Absolutely. Does that lead to the best textural sensation? No. 

Value: (2.5/5)

For $5.95, the amount of onion rings, and the handmade quality, are a reasonably good value. The unique flavor profile of the malt and the sweet onion, while somewhat lacking in onion taste, is a novel concept, which is worth trying. I think if the onion rings were of a more consistent size and cook time, they may have been a bit better, but the sweet onion is too mild to soar much higher. 

Total: (11/20)