Beaver's Pub (Bay City, MI)

Walking through the bustling metropolis of Bay City, I noticed my next destination literally across the street from Gatsby's Seafood and Steakhouse, darkened windows hiding what was beneath. I'll admit, it probably wasn't my best idea to immediately go get more onion rings to eat after consuming a whole platter - without even a chance to cleanse my palate - but I am, if nothing else, steadfastly committed to the mission of Sola Cepa. 

Unfortunately, I was about to face one of my greatest challenges to date, on par with the approximately three hours of Olympic racewalking I watched that very day, only with more physical pain and suffering. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Beaver's Pub in Bay City, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3/5)

A cursory overview of these onion rings' appearance leads me to believe these are frozen. The characteristic smoothness of a machine made onion ring, combined with a uniform coating and coloring, are all hallmark characteristics. While there are a handful of gnarled bits and pieces floating beyond the circular perimeter of the ring, there are few gaps, and all are cooked to a crisp golden brown. 

The plate they were served on was an interesting colored ceramic plate, a rarity with onion rings, that seemed almost battered itself, with adequate room for the pile of onion rings, and for the plastic cup of ranch accompanying the dish. All told, these look to be fairly appetizing, though nothing special. 

Taste: (0.5/5)

Aphorisms are a funny thing, particularly because they can be selectively applied at your discretion, much like laws in the obscenely overburdened penal code in the United States. However, I think one applies here - looks can be deceiving. While the onion rings looked fairly good, albeit artificial, the taste was a disgusting abomination. 

I'll start with the onions, which were incredibly greasy and juicy, ordinarily a good sign for onion flavor if nothing else. Despite the absurd volume of grease, there was absolutely no taste in the onions beside a vague sweetness, hinting at little more than bitter disappointment. If anything, the onion tasted like a particularly wet paper towel that may have, at one point, been used to wipe up some greasy residue from some better onion rings. 

The batter wasn't better, with little taste beyond an abundance of tasteless grease, serving as little more than a pathetic shell for the meagre bits of onion taste within. For the sake of these onion rings, I sincerely hope they were frozen, because if this represents a genuine house-made attempt, I must weep for humanity. 

Oftentimes, tasteless onion rings will try to mask the complete lack of flavor with the accompanying dipping sauce. In this case, the ranch dressing was equally tasteless, with nothing but a half-hearted creamy sensation, far too little to even call flavor. All it served to do was moisten the already dripping onion rings, a disappointing finish to a bland dish. 

Texture: (0/5)

The texture of these onion rings was sort of like eating a wet sock that somebody wadded up and fried in rancid oil. The onions, as previously mentioned, were profoundly wet, almost to the point of disintegrating into liquid. The batter was likewise soft, merging seamlessly with the sock-like onions, like some kind of soft brown exoskeleton. 

The complete lack of slippage, despite the absurdly moist onions, spoke to the homogeneity of the ring's texture. Every bite was like chewing into a greasy sponge. 

Value: (0.5/5)

This plate of tasteless, bland, wet slop would be a rip-off at any price. However, for $10, I was genuinely outraged. There's ample quantity, but the quality is not remotely worth it. The onion rings were tasteless and untextured, clearly prepared with no thought, passion, or care. 

For one of the very few times in my history of reviewing onion rings, I was completely unable to finish these onion rings, which sent me into something of an existential quandary. Why would anyone make this? Why would anyone EAT this? 

Despite staying at Beaver's Pub for several hours, consuming copious amounts of vodka tonics while watching a bunch of dudes shuffle quickly through an abandoned Tokyo street during the Summer Olympics, I wasn't even tempted to touch the remaining four onion rings. Eating nothing was preferable to putting this in my mouth. 

Total: (4/20)

Gatsby's Seafood and Steakhouse (Bay City, MI)

On a sunny afternoon in August, I began the first proper leg of my foray into the allium-based cuisine of the greater Saginaw Bay area. I found the city to be a unique mix of empty and charming, the scant tourist crowds of a midweek day blending in seamlessly with the lack of traffic in the "social drinking zone," a consequence of onerous COVID-era regulatory diktats crippling local restaurant revenue. 

Stepping into Gatsby's was like stepping back into the past - not only for its 1920s inspired decor, but also a slim reminder of a time before the rise of a petty gang of bureaucrats and regulators strangling freedom of commerce and prosperity, be they FDR or Gretchen Whitmer. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Gatsby's Seafood and Steakhouse in Bay City, Michigan . 

Presentation and Appearance: (2.5/5)

The onion rings arrived in a flattened black bowl with brown paper, which I found oddly appropriate for the intentionally cultivated atmosphere of a 1920s steakhouse. I know little of the cuisine from this time, but perhaps their onion rings were also known for inconsistent size and coloration, a haphazard mixture of darkened and shriveled rings laid with wild abandon among their larger, golden cousins. 

Despite the issues with size, the batter was fairly consistent, with the patchy elements split between the two species of onion ring. By appearance alone, it's unclear if the flaws of the onion rings are due to the poor execution of a frozen brand, or the unfortunate consequence of the hand-battering process. 

Taste: (4/5)

My first bite of an onion ring provided an immediate and shocking amount of rich, malty flavor, so much so that I was immediately convinced that they were not frozen. A closer read of the menu reveals these are "sweet onion rings dipped in malty beer batter," explaining the concentration of the malty flavor in the batter. Likewise, the batter is more sweet than savory, albeit lightly salted, a bold and fairly uncommon choice among onion rings. 

While the malty beer flavor goes well with the onion, the onion itself doesn't provide as much flavor, despite being sufficiently wet and juicy. I suspect that these onion rings were made with sweet onions, which usually lead to a less pronounced onion taste, perhaps as part of the general theme of sweet instead of savory. 

I have no idea what the accompanying dipping sauce is, with my top guesses being "ketchup," "cocktail sauce that's basically just ketchup," and "mystery sauce." For personal reasons (those reasons being "I hate ketchup"), I did not consume the onion rings with the sauce. 

Texture: (2/5)

Through some combination of factors - possibly including the beer batter, the cooked-through sweet onions, and the variate size of the rings - the onions in these onion rings were absurdly wet, almost sopping with every bite. The inconsistency of the batter - first soft, then crunchy - also brings these rings down a peg. 

If the sweetness of the rings speaks to any aspiration of a desert, the closest comparison I could think of would be an onion-flavored jelly-filled donut, except the jelly is made out of onions and the whole thing is soaked in beer. Would I eat that? Absolutely. Does that lead to the best textural sensation? No. 

Value: (2.5/5)

For $5.95, the amount of onion rings, and the handmade quality, are a reasonably good value. The unique flavor profile of the malt and the sweet onion, while somewhat lacking in onion taste, is a novel concept, which is worth trying. I think if the onion rings were of a more consistent size and cook time, they may have been a bit better, but the sweet onion is too mild to soar much higher. 

Total: (11/20)

Halo Burger (Flint, MI)

Though a lifelong resident of the Wolverine State, and a state certified expert in geography (and by that I mean I was a Michigan state finalist in the 2009 National Geographic Bee), my knowledge of the eastern portion of my home state is shrouded in the fog of mystery. Anything east of Ann Arbor, or, if I'm being generous, the Detroit Metropolitan Airport, swirls together into a haze of sameness in my mind. 

As the spirit of discovery and exploration is integral to the spirit of Sola Cepa, I resolved last week to explore new realms in search of fried and battered goodness. Incidentally, The Wife happened to be out of town for a week, and I was bored and lonely. 

With that in mind, I set off to the Saginaw Bay and Michigan's Thumb, but not before taking a stop at a regional chain, Halo Burger, in the Flint area. Thank you so Sola Cepa superfan Garrett for the suggestion. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Halo Burger. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3.5/5)

The onion rings are served in a rounded and oblong cardboard container, resting atop a double layer of proprietary paper, which is itself atop a quintessential red plastic tray. Fast food containers fascinate me, particularly when they are of irregular shape, and I believe they can elevate the dining experience. This container is no exception. An extraneous quantity of Marzetti Ranch cups fill out the rest of the still empty tray. 

The golden brown rings nestled within are breaded, possibly by hand, and appear to be thin and crispy. The coloring is consistent, though the coating has a few gaps and cracks in the facade. Much like the container, they are fairly unique, as fast food onion rings go, both with the breading and the relatively thin cut of the onions. The onion rings harken back the style of old school fast food - made fresh and, as far as I can determine, not frozen. They don't seem mass produced, and a degree of care is evident in the making. 

Taste: (3/5)

My first bite brought a pleasant wave of flavor contained in the breading - another rarity, as breaded onion rings are typically more mild in flavor than their battered siblings. It's well salted and well seasoned, with just enough grease to function as a mechanism for taste delivery. 

The onions were cut deceptively thin, especially relative to the bloom of the breading, with narrow slivers of onion hiding betwixt the crumbs. Though the circle is not broken, it is a bit thin. The onions are sweet and on the milder side, but the thin-cut makes it difficult for much flavor to permeate past the breading, with precious little onion juice intermingling with the amorphous, effluent grease. 

All told, most of the flavor for these onion rings are concentrated in the batter, though the mild taste mixes fairly well without being completely overpowering. The accompanying Marzetti Ranch added little to the flavor profile, merely serving as a vague, creamy sensation covering up the breading.

Texture: (2/5)

In some sense, breaded onion rings have a leg up on battered in terms of texture. The crumb coating tends to stick together better, leading to a more cohesive dish. Unfortunately, these systemic advantages were overshadowed by structural integrity issues in the Halo Burger onion rings. 

The thin and slippery onions, combined with a very tight breading, led to more than a few instances of slippage. While the crunch of the craggly breading was satisfying, it wasn't strong enough to hold the rings together. They were almost comically easy to break, disintegrating on a slight breeze, or an askance look. 

Value: (4.5/5)

Though there were some inherent problems in the makeup of these onion rings, they were fresh, hot, clearly made in house, and for the price of $3.19, there was more than enough for a filling snack. 

Total: 13/20

Sidetrack (Ypsilanti, MI)

Among the numerous shames in my pitifully short life is what I call the Onion Ring Graveyard. Embedded deep in my notes are a plethora of notes on onion rings throughout the nation that never quite made it to Sola Cepa, for one reason or another. 

Each of these tell a story - such as the time I was struggling into a tuxedo in a hotel room in Los Angeles before going to meet Drew Carey (true story), but not before I got onion rings from a random restaurant in downtown LA. Others are less interesting, like "I had too much beer while eating the onion rings and lost interest in taking good notes," and there are far more of these than I'd like to admit.

Today marks the first time I exhume the rotting corpse of one of the reviews long buried in the Onion Ring Graveyard, hoping desperately to breathe life into it anew. Over two years ago, with Sola Cepa superfans/my college roommates Garrett and Eric, along with Hillary (Garrett's wife), I sojourned to the Old Depot section of Ypsilanti, to the aptly named Sidetrack, to eat their onion rings. 

I wrote down extensive notes and promptly forgot about them until I went to Ypsilanti again two years later to watch a cat (shout out to Milo), and now seek to reform my dire misdeeds, albeit alone.  

Here is a review of onion rings from Sidetrack in Ypsilanti, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (4.5/5)

The onion rings arrive plated in a classic, practically quintessential, black plastic tray, with plain wax paper beneath. The simple and unassuming style allows the appearance of the rings to shine even brighter, albeit with a nearly overflowing plastic cup of ranch delicately balanced betwixt batter and barrier. 

In contrast to many onion rings, they're not served in an overflowing pile. Rather, they are tastefully plated in a delicate layer of cascading circles, bringing to mind a fried and breaded ratatouille, exclusively made from onions, and at a bar for some reason. 

The onion rings themselves are very clearly hand battered, with the telltale sign of crumbs, pock marks, and small mountains of hardened batter throughout the rings, though chiefly concentrated on the interior. The coloring is a delightful golden brown, though some of the aforementioned bits are somewhat darker in color. 

Despite the hand breading, the batter is generally smooth, and relatively consistent, with a few patchy areas on the bottom, which also covers a surprisingly large pool of grease at the bottom of the basket. 

Taste: (3.5/5)

With onion rings, there's often a standout star, whether the batter or the onion, and rarely are they both top billed. The marquee of Sidetrack's onion rings (if it existed) would be shining through the deluge of rain that evening with one, golden brown word: batter. 

Though, as mentioned above, it had some issues with excessive grease, that's usually a sign of strong flavor. This was no exception. The taste of the batter was more buttery than greasy, well seasoned with just the right amount of salt, and left a pleasant aftertaste. The onions were decidedly weaker, with a subtle, sweet sensation, possibly because the interior was just slightly undercooked, and unable to release more of the deluge of Alium flavor I so desperately crave. 

The accompanying ranch, which certainly tasted house-made, was mouthwatering, and truly excellent. The slight tang, and an even subtler kick of some unidentified spice, meshed beautifully with both the buttery batter and the sweeter onion. 

Texture: (3.5/5)

The batter continued its stardom through texture as well, combining a delicate, popcorn like crunch with something that literally melts in your mouth, dissolving almost instantaneously after each bite. The crunch is not too hard, as one might find in burnt or overcooked onion rings, nor is it too abrasive, as you might see with some thicker, breaded rings. 

Though not one-to-one, the batter reminds me in many ways of a tempura battered onion ring, particularly through the heavy grease and the pockmarks sprinkled throughout. The grease does bring the texture down somewhat, as the onion rings were almost wet at times, and not with any juices from the onion. 

The onion core again fails to stand out from the batter. It was just a little too hard, though not quite raw, making it sort of feel like a thick paper straw in your mouth. On reflection, I think the onions were deliberately undercooked, because otherwise the delicate batter would collapse in on itself like a dying, greasy star. 

Due to the undercooked onions, slippage was not present at all. However, its obscure cousin, shedding, made a few appearances, as the batter chipped off the onion rings in bits and flecks on a handful of bites. 

Value: (4/5)

$5.75 will get you nine or so homemade, medium-to-large sized onion rings, with a light, flavorful batter, albeit lacking a bit in onion taste. All told, these were of a good quality, and a more than ample quantity for a dinner for one (at least, if you're the kind of person who would just eat onion rings for dinner, like me). 

Total: (15.5/20)

Clementine's (South Haven, MI)

As the chains of Gretchen Whitmer's totalitarian lockdown policies crumble into dust around me, I have felt a renewed invigoration for pursuit of onion rings reviews. Indeed, this urge is stronger than ever before, as it's combined with almost a year and a half of pent-up demand for any experience beyond the beige walls of my apartment and sitting at my desk for a depressing number of hours per day. 

To that end, I resolved to experience more of what Michigan in the summer has to offer, both up-north and on the freshwater Lake Michigan shore. As such, on a day when The Wife was working and I should have been Cleaning the Apartment, I instead absconded to South Haven, nestled on the shores of the Black River, for a long overdue journey. Thank you to Katherine for the suggestion (literally like four years ago - sorry it took so long.) 

Here is a review of Clem's Homemade Onion rings from Clementine's in South Haven, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

Among other things, the unique presentation style of these onion rings was what first drew me to Clementine's. The menu advertises two options of onion rings - literally sold by the inch (either six inches or twelve inches). The onion rings arrived stacked atop one another, somewhat haphazardly, on a six-inch peg, with a square wooden base, along with a plate and a container of house-made ranch. 

I am a perennial sucker for purpose-built onion ring delivery mechanisms, and these pegs are no exception. Among other things, they speak to a restaurant's commitment to the art of the onion ring, as well as demonstrating their willingness to create a unique experience in their consumption. 

The onion rings themselves fall somewhat short of the lofty presentation, though they reach high into the heavens, tall and alluring, like the Alium Tower of Babel. That said, the rings are generally large, and very clearly hand battered, as evidenced by some of the patchy batter and bulbous bits coming off of the circular coating. 

The main downside of the appearance, beyond some batter coating issues, is the inconsistent coloring of the batter. Roughly half have the characteristic golden brown, but the rest are significantly darker, making me think they were overdone. 

Taste: 3/5 

Any human endeavor is fundamentally a combination of concept and execution. Conceptually, these onion rings are a slam dunk. They are house made using a traditional and long standing batter, cleverly served, and accompanied by fresh, tangy ranch dipping sauce, also made in-house. However, the execution was much more variable.

On average, these onion rings delivered a good chunk of flavor. The stand-out star of the dish was clearly the batter, which brought a soft, understated, buttery dimension to the rings. However, on the darker rings, the positives of the delicate batter were almost completely eroded by what I assume is a prolonged time in the fryer, leaving chunks of carbon in its wake. 

The onions were very thick cut, but weren't cooked long enough to really unleash the onion flavor. The underdone onion core led to a minimal onion flavor, really just a hint of sweetness, especially underwhelming when compared to the batter. Oddly, this was still a problem on the overcooked rings, as though the onion juices were cooked all the way out of ring. 

Finally, the house-made ranch was excellent. The creamy ranch, bold and tangy, accompanied the softer flavors in the batter well, without overpowering or masking it. 

Texture: 3.5/5

As with most onion rings, the texture is inevitably tied to the taste. The batter was again the highlight, buttery-smooth and melt-in-your-mouth flaky, a delicate balance between soft and crispy that managed to maintain shape and cohesion. However, the overdone rings went too far towards the crispy end, losing some of the charm. This is part of the problem with the more a delicate batter - they require a precise execution to preserve quality. 

The underdone onions made them just a little hard. They weren't quite raw, but certainly not fully cooked, which made for a curious sensation when biting into the onion rings. There were absolutely on instances of slippage, likely because of the undercooked onions. This problem persisted even among the more well-done rings, making me suspect that the onions were cut slightly too thick to work properly. 

Value: 4/5

For $6.95, I received six inches of onion rings, an unusual though intriguing measurement, just slightly over $1 per inch. There were nine onion rings, making the price-per-ring significantly below the usual $1-per-ring usually seen for premium, handmade onion rings such as these. 

Though I had some quibbles with the taste and texture, they were generally tasty, particularly for the price, and quite filling, making a more than ample lunch on their own. 

Total: 14.5/20

Fife Lake Inn (Fife Lake, MI)

After almost a year-and-a-half of petty and arbitrary tyranny, enforced by executive orders, health mandates emanating from the Michigan Department of Health and Human Services (MDHHS), and other capricious means, the state of Michigan has finally started to approach something resembling freedom - or at least, meager steps towards a partial realization of freedom. 

Though eating inside of a restaurant was occasionally legal over the past year and a half (flip flopping back and forth numerous times), something about the experience was profoundly off. Disconnected from my fellow diners, separated by distance and masks, with limited menus and limited service ruling the day. As such, I had largely shelved my onion ring reviewing.

With a new dawn rising in the Wolverine State, I felt a sudden surge of inspiration, adrenaline, and creativity that had long laid dormant inside my disquieted soul. After a refreshing dispersed camping trip on the banks of the Manistee River with The Wife, we decided to stop for lunch in the charming village of Fife Lake. 

My eyes scanned the menu eagerly, daring to dream, until finally discovering that which I had long yearned for: onion rings. 

Here is a review of onion rings from the Fife Lake Inn in Fife Lake, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Owing to a burgeoning health kick, I decided to forgo ordering an entirely separate order of onion rings with my meal, instead opting to upgrade it as a side As such, the onion rings arrived plated with my meal, slid between a pickle spear and a partially constructed pulled pork sandwich. The rings were arranged in a tasteful mound on the plain white plate, and varied widely in size. 

The relatively uniform coating usually makes me think the onion rings are frozen, as did the consistent and pleasant golden brown coloring. However, the darkened bits interspersed throughout the batter, including some spectacular brown mountains of texture, does give me some pause. All in all, these are perfectly passable, though nothing spectacular. 

Taste: 3.5/5

Perhaps my palate was primed by a weekend surrounded by bodies of water, first at the Manistee River and now overlooking Fife Lake, but my immediate first thought on biting into these onion rings was simply "wet." 

My first bite, into one of the smaller rings, brought an impressive burst of wet onion juices. The onions were clearly cooked well, if a bit overdone, as much of the onion flavor resided in juice and grease rather than in the actual onion interior. Instead, the onions added a pleasant, almost buttery burst of flavor to the juice and the batter.

While I was initially unimpressed with the batter, it slowly grew on me. The batter is well salted, providing sufficient savory flavor to balance with the almost overpowering onslaught of the slightly sweetened onion. Ultimately, these onion rings have a good taste, but lack the depth of flavor necessary for truly excellent rings. 

Texture: 4/5 

While the softened onions gave the onion rings an immense amount of onion flavor, the resulting wetness hurt their texture somewhat. Most importantly, I believe it contributed to occasional slippage throughout the dish, leaving a thin and hollow casing of batter where a wriggling worm of onion once resided. 

The batter is something of a marvel. It is simultaneously crunchy, soft, and structurally sound, which is something of an impossible trinity in the vast world of onion ring reviews, much like the significantly less complicated (and less relevant) impossible trinity in international monetary economics. 

Moreover, the batter, absent the semi-frequent slippage, works beautifully with the onion. When combined, the two practically melt on the tongue, swirling together into a perplexing menagerie, the likes of which are rarely seen. 

Value: 4/5

Typically, I gauge the value of onion rings based on their à la carte price. However, as these were a side, the price was significantly less, merely $2.99 for a satisfying side to my sandwich. The onion rings were fresh, fairly tasty, and not too expensive. 

Though I'm still not convinced if these were frozen rings one way or the other (this batter is almost too good for this to be the case), I think they're a strong value either way. 

Total: 15/20