Remoulade (New Orleans, LA)

As I navigated through the morass of humanity on Bourbon Street one Friday evening, my eyes were ever on the prize. When looking through the haze of revelry, daiquiri, and voodoo, I only sought one thing and one thing alone: onion rings. Only a bite of that sweet delight could bring tranquility to the chaos of Bourbon Street that night, even with my large novelty plastic cup of light beer.

Unfortunately, I was there so late that all the restaurants that had decent onion rings were closed, so I just went back the next morning, when the glitz of Bourbon Street had faded into the smell of stale urine and regret.

Here's a review of onion rings from Remoulade. Thanks to Aaron and Wouter for joining me.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Occasionally, restaurants will brand or otherwise customize the standard wax paper that so often forms a barrier between onion rings and the plating. Remoulade follows this trend, with lines and lines of "remoulade" cover the paper. It shows a decent degree of effort and branding. The light red plastic basket is about as standard as they come.

The onion rings themselves are clearly hand battered, with a sliding shade of light to dark golden brown in color. The cracks in the facade are readily seen, as there is little solidity in the batter, with gaps and lack of full coating aplenty. The onions seem relatively thin cut, based on the size and thickness of the rings, but the batter looks cracked and weak.

Taste: 4/5

While the batter wasn't quite as flavorful as its New Orleans companion, Saint Lawrence, I tasted a good blend of seasonings with some Cajun kick. The onion taste was relatively mild, but certainly present and flavorful. The light onion taste meshed well with the Cajun seasonings, which melded together to deliver a flavor sensation worthy of Bourbon Street, minus the drunken bead-grasping hordes, strippers, and tarot women preying on the previously mentioned hordes.

Overall, the flavor was cohesive, buttery, and smooth. I would have liked more onion taste, and I suspect the light taste was largely a result of the thin-cut onions, in addition to them being ever-so-slightly underdone. Despite these flaws, Remoulade delivered a solid, buttery, lightly greased onion ring. The combination was light and airy, and seemed to melt in my mouth.

Texture: 3/5

Though the batter was a little gnarly, with peaks and valleys forming out of the not-so-delicately latticed coating, it made for a good crunch. The twin preys of slippage and shedding failed to rear their ugly faces, which is a remarkable achievement, especially given the tenuous grasp the batter had on the onion interior.

The onions themselves, as noted above, were a little under-done in most of the onion rings. Texture-wise, this typically results in a firm onion interior. While avoiding the plague of mushy, juicy onions is a positive step, the underdone onions usually mean less onion flavor, and a bit too hard of a bite. The inconsistency of the breading, and the curious presence of some nearly burnt batter (oddly contrasting with the lightly done onion rings) make these onion rings miss the mark.

Value: 4/5

In an area famous for tourism and drunken revelry, I naturally expected a steep price tag on any onion rings. I was pleasantly surprised to pay a mere $4.95 for a good sized basket of pretty good onion rings.

Total: 14/20

Empire State Delicatessen (New Orleans, LA)

Sometimes, I search out onion rings after extensive research and fact-checking, while cross referencing reviews from various sources, pictures, and my own intuition. Other times, I go to a place because it's down the street from my hotel and I only have a half hour, and I desperately yearn to taste the sweet crunch of batter shelled around a juicy onion, desperate for that eternal muse and inspiration. This is one of those times. Thanks to Aaron for joining me.

Here is a review of onion rings from the Empire State Delicatessen.

Presentation and Appearance: 2.5/5

A confused smattering of  rings arrive unceremoniously thrown into a wax-paper lined black basket, which is far too large for the amount of onion rings. They're like a small moon in the empty depths of space, lined with rings, perhaps, but surrounded by the inky darkness from which none can escape. The imagery is magnified when looking at the dark black basket, and the plain white paper, much like the empty stretches of Lunar craters, viewed from far below.

The rings themselves have a remarkably haphazard breading, with greasy corpuscles bubbling to the top and marring the otherwise smooth finish. As a result, the finish of the breading is uneven. The color is reasonably consistent golden brown, and the breading, when consistent, is well executed. With the amount of heat required for the mystery bubbles to form, I'm forced to conclude that these onion rings are overdone. It's not a good look, and the poor plating doesn't help.

Taste: 3.5/5

Despite the alien appearance of the rings, they are oozing with the hidden, microscopic taste within. A healthy dose of grease, perhaps more than a bit excessive, and a deluge of onion juices greet me after my first bite. They are remarkably juicy, with a hint of onion sweetness seeping through.

The batter, much like the surface of the Moon, was tasteless. It lacked seasoning and flavor, with almost all of the taste in the onion rings coming from the onion inside. While that is a reasonably strong taste, it fails to fully compensate for the lack of taste in the dusty craters that are the batter. The smooth, greasy, buttery goodness seeps into the batter a little, but I know the true source is the onions within.

As predicted, the onion rings are somewhat overcooked. This explains both the blisters on the surface and the preponderance of juicy flavor on the inside.

Texture: 2/5

Even with the overdone nature of the rings, the texture is remarkably soft. There's little to no structure in the way of these rings. They collapse into a web of grease and juice, albeit tasty, on the slightest hint of pressure. While smooth and buttery, the rings lack thickness and substance.

The onions are unsurprisingly mushy and weak, a natural consequence of the delicious onion juices and the long cook time. The onion rings have a cohesive texture, but it's an unpleasant one.

Value: 1.5/5

For $4.65, I got a depressingly small pile of alien onion rings, lacking sufficient quality to warrant the steep price tag, and too few to satisfy my insatiable urge for battered onions.

Total: 9.5/20

Saint Lawrence (New Orleans, LA)

Onion rings are coast-to-coast in this great land of ours. My limited travels (at least, with the purpose or intent to consume and review onion rings while there) have only taken me to three states; Michigan, Colorado, and Georgia. Today, I can finally add another to the pantheon, that of Louisiana. Before my journey, I hypothesized that the unique culinary and cultural makeup of New Orleans could potentially provide flavors and concepts that could revolutionize my knowledge of onion rings.

With the short duration of my stay, and the fact that most of my time was taken up by a conference, I was only able to get a brief smattering of the wide-world of onion rings in New Orleans. Time is a cruel mistress. 

Here's a review of onion rings from Saint Lawrence in New Orleans, Louisiana. Thanks to Sola Cepa superfan (and budding onion ring expert) Aaron for joining me.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

The striking contrast between the plain white plate, and a small metal cup filled with remoulade, and the over-the-top, thick breaded, wild and untamed onion rings is a bold choice, but I think it works. They're stacked in a cohesive heap, making it easy to pluck one off of the pile for further review. 

The onion rings are almost larger-than-life, exploding with what some might deem excessive amounts of batter. Clearly hand-battered, the onion rings make an appealing bite. One can easily see the specks of pepper mixed in with the batter, indicating a strongly seasoned bite to come. They are not perfectly smooth, either, with bumps small and large of oozing batter showing. 

Despite the boldness of the presentation, there are a handful of cracks one can see on closer observation. The batter does not fully cover the onions inside, with a plethora of gaps showing in what ought to properly be beautifully golden circles. They also show just a hint of being overdone. 

Taste: 4/5

As predicted, the batter is an immense outpouring of flavor, the likes of which are rarely seen in onion rings. Soft and fairly flaky, it contains an impressively spicy and flavorful blend of spices, which, in my ignorant Yankee mind, seems Cajun, or close to it. Batter is almost universally overlooked by onion rings as a vehicle to deliver taste, but Saint Lawrence knows better. The spicy aftertaste stayed in my mouth long after I finished the rings, another testament to their intensity. 

It's almost as if all the flavor potential typically reserved for onions (in an onion ring) were shifted to the batter. The interior onion making up the structure of these onion rings was weak and dry, cut far too thin to sustain any degree of onion flavor after being subjected to the fryer. 

The metal cup of remoulade dipping sauce was a near-perfect complement to the Cajun spices in the batter. It provided a solid kick of additional spice, without being overpowering, while showcasing a unique semi-solid texture, perfect for spreading and dipping the rings. The orange-red color no doubt contributed to my impression, contrasting wonderfully with the golden brown rings. Despite the shortcomings of the light onion taste, the batter and the remoulade dipping sauce make up for it in spades. 

Texture: 2.5/5

For all the strides made in flavor and presentation, these onion rings lacked a truly great texture. The batter, while amazing in taste, was too lightly applied, and too flaky, to sustain itself under pressure. The scourge of slippage (wherein the batter falls off a stable onion in an onion ring) showed itself time and time again, as the delectable flaky batter fell onto my plate, forever separated from its transcendent pairing with the onion. 

Speaking of onion, the texture of the onions in the onion ring were more or less non-existent. In several rings, they bordered on burnt, and were at the very least browned and overdone, shriveled to elude any inner texture. It had lost any character of hardness or strength, and was, at best, soft, with nothing else. The onion rings as a whole were soft, with the only crunch coming from the overdone knobs of batter that fled the safety of the onion. 

Value: 3/5

For certain calibers of onion rings, one expects a price point that is higher than would be found in a careless, mass-produced cluster. For $8, I got a decent sized mound of big and flavorful onion rings. While they had some problems with texture, and I missed the strong onion taste so essential to onion rings, the batter and the remoulade dipping sauce made them a delightful bite. 

That said, the thin (if broad) cut of the onions made them a somewhat less than satisfactory lunch. 

Total: 13/20

Log Cabin (Grand Rapids, MI)

Lady fortune is a harsh mistress. After a well-fought match of kickball with an able cohort of coworkers, which we only lost by two points instead of last year's standard of ten to twenty, a number of us retired to the Log Cabin to drown our sorrows. While alcohol, at least in the eyes of history, is one of the best proven ways to drown sorrows, I've always found comfort in the arms of another suitor. That is, the battered and fried delight of onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Log Cabin. Thanks to my teammates (and colleagues) Bob, Sara, Dan, Michelle, Anna, and Lois for joining me on this endeavor.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

Initially, these onion rings were a complexity to judge the appearance of. This was not due to some mysterious quality of the rings, not yet seen in my extensive travels, but simply that the bar was remarkably dim. Thankfully, Lois and Anna provided sufficient illumination, through a copious dose of cell-phone flashlights, that I could get a proper read of the situation.

These onion rings are, in short, relatively inoffensive. They have a reasonably consistent golden brown color, and a fairly consistent covering of the bread. Perhaps, with the cave-like atmospheric lighting of the bar, the Log Cabin was hoping to hide some of the malformed rings from a discerning view; the broken half rings, the double rings fused together, and so on. As always, this attempt a subterfuge failed.

Presentation wise, it's about as bare bones and classic as it gets. A large heap of onion rings exploding beyond the narrow confines of a classic red-and-white checkered cardboard box, a deliberate plating attempt to make the onion rings seem greater in quantity than they truly are.

Taste: 2.5/5

Much like the increased power of other senses when one is lacking, like a blind woman with marginally improved hearing, the blackened interior of the Log Cabin may have been a clever attempt to force diners to assign a greater value to taste to what would otherwise be insufficient flavor.

To an extent, it worked. The batter, with a light and fitting coating of the quintessential onion ring grease, was reasonably well-seasoned, though probably with no more than salt and pepper. While the breading, like Icarus, tried to touch the sun, the catastrophic failure to deliver an onion taste was the collapse of his contrived wings, and what caused the taste of these onion rings to hurtle down to oblivion.

In short, there was basically no onion taste. One could be forgiven for assuming that these were little more than moderately well-seasoned circles of breading wrapped around a pale faux-facsimile of an onion, perhaps made of cardboard or wood pulp. The onions were cut far too thin, and the rings themselves fried for far too-long, for any onion taste to survive the cooking process. Additionally, when I ordered, I was promised a tantalizingly mysterious "bistro sauce" to accompany the rings, which was noticeably absent from my final order.

The Log Cabin is little more than a den of deception, preying on the frailty of human sensation and memory to spin a devious web of lies and insufficient taste in onion rings.

Texture: 2/5

The web of deception continues with texture. On one's first bite, one could think that these onion rings are sufficient, even bordering on good. A solid crunch permeates the batter, and there's nary an instance of the dreaded slippage.

Unfortunately, these positive attributes are solely the result of failure. These onion rings were dreadfully overdone, leading to the thick and crunchy texture, and the lack of any slippage. What little shreds of onion there initially were in these onion rings, thin-cut and meager though they were, were destroyed by the frying, with all the sweet juices (and taste) removed before they were plated.

The onion texture wasn't "bad," per se. It was more "completely absent and hardly worth mentioning" than anything else. Even the name of the dish, an "onion" ring, is deceit.

Value: 2/5

When all is said and done, $3.75 yielded a medium sized mound of overdone onion rings, lacking in onion taste, but with a few dashes of flavor mixed into the batter. I'd be shocked if these were anything but frozen, and while the quantity was reasonably good for the price-tag, the quality left much to be desired.

With regards to onion rings, the Log Cabin is little more than a den of deception, preying on the frailty of human sensation and memory to spin a devious web of lies and insufficient taste in onion rings.

Total: 9.5/20