Sweet Meats Smokehouse at Fifth Third Ballpark (Comstock Park, MI)

From time to time over the past six months, I glanced through the notes stored on my phone, the dim outlines of onion ring reviews yet to be written. I would often consider trying to eke out a rough review, merely to get it over with, but I couldn't bear to put out a sub par production. I wasn't in a state or motivation to deliver the quality that you, the readers, have come to expect.

Today, Sola Cepa resumes. Thanks for reading.

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My culinary experience as baseball games doesn't have a stellar track record. Two lukewarm hot dogs, wrapped in a suspicious foil, went down easy enough at a Detroit Tigers game some ten years ago. The experience was not as pleasant that night.

As such, I didn't have high hopes for the onion rings at Fifth Third Ballpark, home to the West Michigan Whitecaps. Though my palate may have been somewhat compromised by copious amounts of $2 beer, I knew I couldn't pass this opportunity up. Navigating through the golden horde, I made my way to the one concessions stand that had onion rings, Sweet Meats Smokehouse.

Presentation and Appearance: 1/5

It's easy to tell the difference between onion rings prepared with care, thought, and precision, and those sloppily fried and mass produced for rapid consumption. These rings are demonstrably the latter.

The bowl is a thin, weak Styrofoam, threatening to crack and break at the slightest hint of pressure. It's far too small to hold the volume of the onion rings, and I was forced to delicately balance the bowl and two cups of Coors Light back to my seat all the way across the stadium.

Even without the small bowl, the onion rings themselves are a train wreck. Nearly every ring is cracked to smithereens, split and fraying. While some of the breading is a pleasant golden brown, there are far too many overdone, nearly burnt, chunks of breading scattered throughout. The inconsistency alone is frightening.

In short, these do not look even remotely appetizing.

Taste: 1/5

I'm tempted to say there's no taste whatsoever to these rings, but that would be false. There is one overwhelming taste: grease, and grease alone. I can tell there are some onions in it before I eat it, as the cracked batter shows some white, vaguely onion shaped substance within. Not that I could tell from the taste.

In terms of seasoning, there's a bland hint of a dash of salt mixed in with the overwhelming grease. The onions have no taste, the breading has hardly any, and I feel like a squeeze bottle of grease was drenched over the rings just before they were served. The grease leaked and burst onto my shirt as I ate it, adding pain and discomfort to the complete lack of sufficient taste.

Texture: 1.5/5

The overcooked batter does give the onion rings a mild crunch, but this is almost entirely overshadowed by the mushy, soggy interior of the onion. They are swimming in grease, which flows like a river between the onion and the breading. For each mild crunch, the stream of grease that rushes into my mouth (and, as previously mentioned, onto my lap) overshadows even the hint of good texture.

Value: 2.5/5

While the onion rings were the worst I've ever tasted in my life, I got a reasonably sized amount for $3.50, especially given that they came from a concessions stand at a minor league baseball game. They were, at best, a diversion from the baseball game and an excuse to shove grease down my gullet.

They may have only been edible as a result of the $2 beer which I managed to choke it down with, but they were still pretty cheap.

Total: 6/20