Clementine's (South Haven, MI)

As the chains of Gretchen Whitmer's totalitarian lockdown policies crumble into dust around me, I have felt a renewed invigoration for pursuit of onion rings reviews. Indeed, this urge is stronger than ever before, as it's combined with almost a year and a half of pent-up demand for any experience beyond the beige walls of my apartment and sitting at my desk for a depressing number of hours per day. 

To that end, I resolved to experience more of what Michigan in the summer has to offer, both up-north and on the freshwater Lake Michigan shore. As such, on a day when The Wife was working and I should have been Cleaning the Apartment, I instead absconded to South Haven, nestled on the shores of the Black River, for a long overdue journey. Thank you to Katherine for the suggestion (literally like four years ago - sorry it took so long.) 

Here is a review of Clem's Homemade Onion rings from Clementine's in South Haven, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

Among other things, the unique presentation style of these onion rings was what first drew me to Clementine's. The menu advertises two options of onion rings - literally sold by the inch (either six inches or twelve inches). The onion rings arrived stacked atop one another, somewhat haphazardly, on a six-inch peg, with a square wooden base, along with a plate and a container of house-made ranch. 

I am a perennial sucker for purpose-built onion ring delivery mechanisms, and these pegs are no exception. Among other things, they speak to a restaurant's commitment to the art of the onion ring, as well as demonstrating their willingness to create a unique experience in their consumption. 

The onion rings themselves fall somewhat short of the lofty presentation, though they reach high into the heavens, tall and alluring, like the Alium Tower of Babel. That said, the rings are generally large, and very clearly hand battered, as evidenced by some of the patchy batter and bulbous bits coming off of the circular coating. 

The main downside of the appearance, beyond some batter coating issues, is the inconsistent coloring of the batter. Roughly half have the characteristic golden brown, but the rest are significantly darker, making me think they were overdone. 

Taste: 3/5 

Any human endeavor is fundamentally a combination of concept and execution. Conceptually, these onion rings are a slam dunk. They are house made using a traditional and long standing batter, cleverly served, and accompanied by fresh, tangy ranch dipping sauce, also made in-house. However, the execution was much more variable.

On average, these onion rings delivered a good chunk of flavor. The stand-out star of the dish was clearly the batter, which brought a soft, understated, buttery dimension to the rings. However, on the darker rings, the positives of the delicate batter were almost completely eroded by what I assume is a prolonged time in the fryer, leaving chunks of carbon in its wake. 

The onions were very thick cut, but weren't cooked long enough to really unleash the onion flavor. The underdone onion core led to a minimal onion flavor, really just a hint of sweetness, especially underwhelming when compared to the batter. Oddly, this was still a problem on the overcooked rings, as though the onion juices were cooked all the way out of ring. 

Finally, the house-made ranch was excellent. The creamy ranch, bold and tangy, accompanied the softer flavors in the batter well, without overpowering or masking it. 

Texture: 3.5/5

As with most onion rings, the texture is inevitably tied to the taste. The batter was again the highlight, buttery-smooth and melt-in-your-mouth flaky, a delicate balance between soft and crispy that managed to maintain shape and cohesion. However, the overdone rings went too far towards the crispy end, losing some of the charm. This is part of the problem with the more a delicate batter - they require a precise execution to preserve quality. 

The underdone onions made them just a little hard. They weren't quite raw, but certainly not fully cooked, which made for a curious sensation when biting into the onion rings. There were absolutely on instances of slippage, likely because of the undercooked onions. This problem persisted even among the more well-done rings, making me suspect that the onions were cut slightly too thick to work properly. 

Value: 4/5

For $6.95, I received six inches of onion rings, an unusual though intriguing measurement, just slightly over $1 per inch. There were nine onion rings, making the price-per-ring significantly below the usual $1-per-ring usually seen for premium, handmade onion rings such as these. 

Though I had some quibbles with the taste and texture, they were generally tasty, particularly for the price, and quite filling, making a more than ample lunch on their own. 

Total: 14.5/20

Fife Lake Inn (Fife Lake, MI)

After almost a year-and-a-half of petty and arbitrary tyranny, enforced by executive orders, health mandates emanating from the Michigan Department of Health and Human Services (MDHHS), and other capricious means, the state of Michigan has finally started to approach something resembling freedom - or at least, meager steps towards a partial realization of freedom. 

Though eating inside of a restaurant was occasionally legal over the past year and a half (flip flopping back and forth numerous times), something about the experience was profoundly off. Disconnected from my fellow diners, separated by distance and masks, with limited menus and limited service ruling the day. As such, I had largely shelved my onion ring reviewing.

With a new dawn rising in the Wolverine State, I felt a sudden surge of inspiration, adrenaline, and creativity that had long laid dormant inside my disquieted soul. After a refreshing dispersed camping trip on the banks of the Manistee River with The Wife, we decided to stop for lunch in the charming village of Fife Lake. 

My eyes scanned the menu eagerly, daring to dream, until finally discovering that which I had long yearned for: onion rings. 

Here is a review of onion rings from the Fife Lake Inn in Fife Lake, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Owing to a burgeoning health kick, I decided to forgo ordering an entirely separate order of onion rings with my meal, instead opting to upgrade it as a side As such, the onion rings arrived plated with my meal, slid between a pickle spear and a partially constructed pulled pork sandwich. The rings were arranged in a tasteful mound on the plain white plate, and varied widely in size. 

The relatively uniform coating usually makes me think the onion rings are frozen, as did the consistent and pleasant golden brown coloring. However, the darkened bits interspersed throughout the batter, including some spectacular brown mountains of texture, does give me some pause. All in all, these are perfectly passable, though nothing spectacular. 

Taste: 3.5/5

Perhaps my palate was primed by a weekend surrounded by bodies of water, first at the Manistee River and now overlooking Fife Lake, but my immediate first thought on biting into these onion rings was simply "wet." 

My first bite, into one of the smaller rings, brought an impressive burst of wet onion juices. The onions were clearly cooked well, if a bit overdone, as much of the onion flavor resided in juice and grease rather than in the actual onion interior. Instead, the onions added a pleasant, almost buttery burst of flavor to the juice and the batter.

While I was initially unimpressed with the batter, it slowly grew on me. The batter is well salted, providing sufficient savory flavor to balance with the almost overpowering onslaught of the slightly sweetened onion. Ultimately, these onion rings have a good taste, but lack the depth of flavor necessary for truly excellent rings. 

Texture: 4/5 

While the softened onions gave the onion rings an immense amount of onion flavor, the resulting wetness hurt their texture somewhat. Most importantly, I believe it contributed to occasional slippage throughout the dish, leaving a thin and hollow casing of batter where a wriggling worm of onion once resided. 

The batter is something of a marvel. It is simultaneously crunchy, soft, and structurally sound, which is something of an impossible trinity in the vast world of onion ring reviews, much like the significantly less complicated (and less relevant) impossible trinity in international monetary economics. 

Moreover, the batter, absent the semi-frequent slippage, works beautifully with the onion. When combined, the two practically melt on the tongue, swirling together into a perplexing menagerie, the likes of which are rarely seen. 

Value: 4/5

Typically, I gauge the value of onion rings based on their à la carte price. However, as these were a side, the price was significantly less, merely $2.99 for a satisfying side to my sandwich. The onion rings were fresh, fairly tasty, and not too expensive. 

Though I'm still not convinced if these were frozen rings one way or the other (this batter is almost too good for this to be the case), I think they're a strong value either way. 

Total: 15/20