Kitchen 67 (Grand Rapids, MI)

Motivation is a fickle mistress. After months of inactivity, Sola Cepa burst back onto the scene, as I renewed my onion ring fixation with an unmatched vigor. Unfortunately, as the ebb and flow of time and life washed over me, my motivation for excess reviews of onion rings waned. A balance must be struck, as the Aristotelian Golden Mean. Sustainable, long-term output is more important than vague bursts of reviews.

That said, here's a review of onion rings from Kitchen 67. Thank you to Dave for the suggestion.

Presentation and Appearance: 3/5

In a unique twist on the classic, the wax paper that lines the squarish ceramic bowl is printed int he facade of a newsprint, an attempt to hearken back to something homey and unique. While it's a relatively convincing fake, and it does add a bit of a twist on the standard white or red-and-white checkered paper, I don't know how much it ultimately adds to the equation. It does, however, stand out.

The rings themselves are demonstrably hand-battered, but not with delicate care. They are messy and haphazard, with hills of gnarled batter climbing off the rings to and fro. They're a bit on the darker side of golden brown, perhaps indicative of a slightly too-long fry time.

Taste: 1.5/5

I often throw around the term "greasy" when reviewing onion rings, but I feel the overuse of that term has led to an underappreciation of the extent of grease that is possible. These onion rings, rather than being delicately brushed with a thin layer of grease, were drenched with a series of successive buckets in a desperate attempt to drown the poor onion rings.

As you can gather, these were remarkably greasy. I got hints of seasoning in the batter at times, but these hints were overwhelmed by the powerful grease. Indeed, after finishing the rings, a small pool of grease collected in the center, something I've never seen before.

Overall, the taste was overpowering, and not all that pleasant. The accompanying dipping sauce, never identified, was bizarrely both bland and poor in taste. All that said, the onions had a decently strong flavor, the only positive of taste yet identified.

Texture: 3/5

The texture was a mixed bag. The batter delicately collapsed with a pop, as it puffed extravagantly out from the inconsistent (mostly thin) cut onion. To deem it a crunch would be a misnomer, and it was far more of a pop.

The batter, however, was oddly heavy, despite the pop in the bite. Each bite built a successive layer in the pit of my stomach, forming a dense layer of greasy batter and onions. There was far, far too much batter for the size of the onions. It might be more accurate to term these "piles of greasy batter that have a little bit of onion inside of them that may or may not be in the shape of a ring" rather than an onion ring.

What little onion I did encounter were decent. They were soft, without becoming mushy and overcooked, and provided a nice, soft, juicy bite. Unfortunately, the greasy ball of batter overpowered that.

Value: 2.5/5

For $2.99, I got a reasonably sized bowl of relatively mediocre onion rings. The quality left something to be desired, but the amount was adequate. They were filling, to an overwhelming extent.

Total: 10/20

Graydon's Crossing (Grand Rapids, MI)

Graydon's Crossing reminded me a hole-in-the-wall that had nothing else around it, making it more of an outcropping that resembled a hole springing from the earth. As I plunged into the depths of this curious place, I was set and determined to eat another in a long, perpetual series of onion rings.

Here's a review of onion rings from Graydon's Crossing.

Presentation and Appearance: 4.5/5

I can genuinely say that I have never, ever, seen onion rings that look quite like these. They are, as the kids like to say, "thick," plump, and tall, at least two of those words being something I've never used to describe onion rings in the past. They're almost like cross-sections of bulbous onion spheres, with a handful of holes drilled in to make them true rings.

The batter is clearly thick, and coats what is certainly a massive cut of onion, both in height and width. They are, as the menu claims, "super colossal." Sprinkled with cilantro as a garnish, the specks of green make for an interesting dish. While the beer batter is appealing, there are more than a few gaps in the facade. That said, this is only a minor mark on their appearance, with everything else being a delight.

The presentation, like the restaurant, is classy and simple, on a bowl-like plate and served with a ramekin of cilantro ranch.

Taste: 4/5

The colossal size of the onion rings is not quite matched by the taste, though it does come close. The thickness of the rings, both as a whole and in the constituent parts of the onion and the batter, meant that the quantity of flavor was supreme. The onions were cooked just right, able to maintain their shape while still secreting copious amounts of juices, all without devolving to a mushy mess.

They were, as a result, fairly greasy, though the amount of grease compared to the surface area of the onion ring is roughly standard. The batter is very well seasoned, particularly with the flakes of cilantro mixed in with the batter.

The cilantro ranch provided a uniquely spicy kick accompanying the rings, making the first unique foray into what might be construed as Mexican inspired onion rings.

While there was a big flavor for these rings, I think the sheer size of the onion, and the thickness of the batter, was responsible more than anything else.

Texture: 3/5

The batter on these onion rings were the absolute thickest I have ever encountered. It was tough and crunchy, and took serious effort to gnaw my way through the brick-like edifice. The texture was good, but there was just an extraordinary amount of it. "Woe, woe to you, great onion ring, you mighty city of Allium!" Alas, onion ring. Alas, as you collapse under the weight of your own hubris.

Each bite led to successive layers of the rings of the batter shedding off, like a collapse of the walls of Constantinople, with my tooth cannons chipping away at its once mighty defenses. The edifice, which looked so mighty, had a weak structural integrity, borne out by the bitter truth of experience.

Much like the treasures and loot hidden within Constantinople, for the conquering invaders to pluck at their whim, the onion had a shiny and silky smooth texture. They were thick and meaty, and helped the onion ring gain ground at the loss of points from the impenetrable batter.

Value: 4/5

These four onion rings cost $4, for a dollar apiece. While it's very pricey per ring, the size and quality of the taste made them a more than reasonable value.

Total: 15.5/20