Cottage Bar (Grand Rapids, MI)

When in the course of human events, a man moves from a small, rural town in southern Michigan to the bustling metropolis of Grand Rapids in West Michigan, he takes upon a mighty responsibility of pursing truth. One of the ways said man chooses to pursue truth is through reviewing onion rings, according to the onion ring standard. One would expect a mighty urban area to conquer the small, rural city. Does this hold up to reality? Read on, to find out. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5 

The appearance of these onion rings is, in a word, delightful. The consistency is consistent, the breading is smooth, and there are little to no irregularities on the plate.

The presentation is not ideal, but it's to be expected. Somewhat typical for onion rings in a restaurant, they're heaped onto a plate, hardly big enough to contain the sheer volume of rings. The presentation is nothing special, but it's certainly not bad either.

Taste: 1.5/5

On my first bite, I was optimistic. There seemed to be a strong onion taste, coupled by a robust flavor in breading. However, repeated bites and rings indicated the horrible truth; the taste simply wasn't there. There's a mild onion flavor in every onion ring, but hardly noticeable if you weren't looking for it.

The flavor in the breading is almost non-existent. Beyond a thin veneer of grease, it's bland, empty, and tired. Overall, these rings left next to no impression on me. Very little taste or flavor permeate these onion rings, and they're little more than a vehicle for grease and breading.

Texture: 2.5/5

For the lack of taste in the breading, it has a fine texture. Thick, crunchy, and crispy, the breading does not disappoint. However, the essential component of an onion ring, the actual onion, fails to deliver. The onion is mushy, weak, and slim. The scourge of onion ring lovers everywhere arrives once again, as the inner onion slips out of the breading. The result is a hollow shell of fried bread, desperately trying to masquerade as some facade of an onion ring.

Value: 2/5

Originally, I was optimistic about these onion rings. I stopped in over lunch, immediately ordered onion rings, and waited. Within five or six minutes, they arrived. I was blown away by the speed of service, but the reason become abundantly clear.

The rings were almost certainly frozen. At the very least, they were mass prepared and ready for frying upon order. The speed was amazing, and that's often one of my main criteria for food.

However, the price was exorbitant. For a small plate of onion rings, I paid nearly six dollars! What's more, the rings were of mediocre quality, if decent quantity. I can genuinely say I've has fast food onion rings substantially better quality (and a better value) than these. Though they were filling, and sufficed as a lunch, it is a lunch I will bitterly regret until the end of my days.

Total: 9.5/20

The Finish Line (Hillsdale, MI)

I don't expect gourmet food in a diner with a race car theme. That said, I've always had a soft spot for The Finish Line. It's cheap. It's quick. It fills you up, and it's usually tasty. However, as with all eateries, it must be subjected to the stringent test of the Onion Ring Standard.

Presentation and Appearance: 2/5

The presentation is not great. It doesn't break any molds, but it also doesn't throw the mold away and shovel everything into a messy trash heap. These are bulk onion rings, quickly fried, and shoved onto a plate. Again, I don't expect anything fancy here That said, the plate is not particularly inviting. This doesn't make me want to dive in.

The appearance is also a mixed bag. The breading is smooth and largely consistent, but there are a heap of cracked and half-rings. Is a cracked ring even truly an onion ring? I submit that it is not.

In any case, this category brings nothing profound, or even especially good, to the table.

Taste: 2/5

While not particularly bad, the taste was weak. The breading, with smooth, had next to no flavor in it. Their only saving grace was the well-executed onion center. Cooked just long enough to maintain an onion taste, these rings would have been tasteless without them.

The accompanying ranch dipping sauce only served to mask the bland taste entirely. While drenching an onion ring in sauce does technically make what one is putting in one's mouth taste better, it does nothing to improve the onion ring itself.

Texture: 3/5

The bland breading, the closest thing to an all-star component this plate has, was satisfyingly crunchy. Firm, crispy, and with just a little bit of give, it was excellent.

However, for all the greatness of breading, these onion rings had a catastrophically high incidence of slippage. It seemed like every other bite I had to deal with some errant strand of onion. I can't say this is uncommon, but it does nothing to ruin the dining experience every time.

Value: 3.5/5

While the onion rings themselves don't score great on taste or presentation, they're a tremendous value. Four dollars nets a large, filling plate. While quality isn't great, the quantity is more than sufficient.

Total: 10.5/20