Sidetrack (Ypsilanti, MI)

Among the numerous shames in my pitifully short life is what I call the Onion Ring Graveyard. Embedded deep in my notes are a plethora of notes on onion rings throughout the nation that never quite made it to Sola Cepa, for one reason or another. 

Each of these tell a story - such as the time I was struggling into a tuxedo in a hotel room in Los Angeles before going to meet Drew Carey (true story), but not before I got onion rings from a random restaurant in downtown LA. Others are less interesting, like "I had too much beer while eating the onion rings and lost interest in taking good notes," and there are far more of these than I'd like to admit.

Today marks the first time I exhume the rotting corpse of one of the reviews long buried in the Onion Ring Graveyard, hoping desperately to breathe life into it anew. Over two years ago, with Sola Cepa superfans/my college roommates Garrett and Eric, along with Hillary (Garrett's wife), I sojourned to the Old Depot section of Ypsilanti, to the aptly named Sidetrack, to eat their onion rings. 

I wrote down extensive notes and promptly forgot about them until I went to Ypsilanti again two years later to watch a cat (shout out to Milo), and now seek to reform my dire misdeeds, albeit alone.  

Here is a review of onion rings from Sidetrack in Ypsilanti, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: (4.5/5)

The onion rings arrive plated in a classic, practically quintessential, black plastic tray, with plain wax paper beneath. The simple and unassuming style allows the appearance of the rings to shine even brighter, albeit with a nearly overflowing plastic cup of ranch delicately balanced betwixt batter and barrier. 

In contrast to many onion rings, they're not served in an overflowing pile. Rather, they are tastefully plated in a delicate layer of cascading circles, bringing to mind a fried and breaded ratatouille, exclusively made from onions, and at a bar for some reason. 

The onion rings themselves are very clearly hand battered, with the telltale sign of crumbs, pock marks, and small mountains of hardened batter throughout the rings, though chiefly concentrated on the interior. The coloring is a delightful golden brown, though some of the aforementioned bits are somewhat darker in color. 

Despite the hand breading, the batter is generally smooth, and relatively consistent, with a few patchy areas on the bottom, which also covers a surprisingly large pool of grease at the bottom of the basket. 

Taste: (3.5/5)

With onion rings, there's often a standout star, whether the batter or the onion, and rarely are they both top billed. The marquee of Sidetrack's onion rings (if it existed) would be shining through the deluge of rain that evening with one, golden brown word: batter. 

Though, as mentioned above, it had some issues with excessive grease, that's usually a sign of strong flavor. This was no exception. The taste of the batter was more buttery than greasy, well seasoned with just the right amount of salt, and left a pleasant aftertaste. The onions were decidedly weaker, with a subtle, sweet sensation, possibly because the interior was just slightly undercooked, and unable to release more of the deluge of Alium flavor I so desperately crave. 

The accompanying ranch, which certainly tasted house-made, was mouthwatering, and truly excellent. The slight tang, and an even subtler kick of some unidentified spice, meshed beautifully with both the buttery batter and the sweeter onion. 

Texture: (3.5/5)

The batter continued its stardom through texture as well, combining a delicate, popcorn like crunch with something that literally melts in your mouth, dissolving almost instantaneously after each bite. The crunch is not too hard, as one might find in burnt or overcooked onion rings, nor is it too abrasive, as you might see with some thicker, breaded rings. 

Though not one-to-one, the batter reminds me in many ways of a tempura battered onion ring, particularly through the heavy grease and the pockmarks sprinkled throughout. The grease does bring the texture down somewhat, as the onion rings were almost wet at times, and not with any juices from the onion. 

The onion core again fails to stand out from the batter. It was just a little too hard, though not quite raw, making it sort of feel like a thick paper straw in your mouth. On reflection, I think the onions were deliberately undercooked, because otherwise the delicate batter would collapse in on itself like a dying, greasy star. 

Due to the undercooked onions, slippage was not present at all. However, its obscure cousin, shedding, made a few appearances, as the batter chipped off the onion rings in bits and flecks on a handful of bites. 

Value: (4/5)

$5.75 will get you nine or so homemade, medium-to-large sized onion rings, with a light, flavorful batter, albeit lacking a bit in onion taste. All told, these were of a good quality, and a more than ample quantity for a dinner for one (at least, if you're the kind of person who would just eat onion rings for dinner, like me). 

Total: (15.5/20)

Clementine's (South Haven, MI)

As the chains of Gretchen Whitmer's totalitarian lockdown policies crumble into dust around me, I have felt a renewed invigoration for pursuit of onion rings reviews. Indeed, this urge is stronger than ever before, as it's combined with almost a year and a half of pent-up demand for any experience beyond the beige walls of my apartment and sitting at my desk for a depressing number of hours per day. 

To that end, I resolved to experience more of what Michigan in the summer has to offer, both up-north and on the freshwater Lake Michigan shore. As such, on a day when The Wife was working and I should have been Cleaning the Apartment, I instead absconded to South Haven, nestled on the shores of the Black River, for a long overdue journey. Thank you to Katherine for the suggestion (literally like four years ago - sorry it took so long.) 

Here is a review of Clem's Homemade Onion rings from Clementine's in South Haven, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

Among other things, the unique presentation style of these onion rings was what first drew me to Clementine's. The menu advertises two options of onion rings - literally sold by the inch (either six inches or twelve inches). The onion rings arrived stacked atop one another, somewhat haphazardly, on a six-inch peg, with a square wooden base, along with a plate and a container of house-made ranch. 

I am a perennial sucker for purpose-built onion ring delivery mechanisms, and these pegs are no exception. Among other things, they speak to a restaurant's commitment to the art of the onion ring, as well as demonstrating their willingness to create a unique experience in their consumption. 

The onion rings themselves fall somewhat short of the lofty presentation, though they reach high into the heavens, tall and alluring, like the Alium Tower of Babel. That said, the rings are generally large, and very clearly hand battered, as evidenced by some of the patchy batter and bulbous bits coming off of the circular coating. 

The main downside of the appearance, beyond some batter coating issues, is the inconsistent coloring of the batter. Roughly half have the characteristic golden brown, but the rest are significantly darker, making me think they were overdone. 

Taste: 3/5 

Any human endeavor is fundamentally a combination of concept and execution. Conceptually, these onion rings are a slam dunk. They are house made using a traditional and long standing batter, cleverly served, and accompanied by fresh, tangy ranch dipping sauce, also made in-house. However, the execution was much more variable.

On average, these onion rings delivered a good chunk of flavor. The stand-out star of the dish was clearly the batter, which brought a soft, understated, buttery dimension to the rings. However, on the darker rings, the positives of the delicate batter were almost completely eroded by what I assume is a prolonged time in the fryer, leaving chunks of carbon in its wake. 

The onions were very thick cut, but weren't cooked long enough to really unleash the onion flavor. The underdone onion core led to a minimal onion flavor, really just a hint of sweetness, especially underwhelming when compared to the batter. Oddly, this was still a problem on the overcooked rings, as though the onion juices were cooked all the way out of ring. 

Finally, the house-made ranch was excellent. The creamy ranch, bold and tangy, accompanied the softer flavors in the batter well, without overpowering or masking it. 

Texture: 3.5/5

As with most onion rings, the texture is inevitably tied to the taste. The batter was again the highlight, buttery-smooth and melt-in-your-mouth flaky, a delicate balance between soft and crispy that managed to maintain shape and cohesion. However, the overdone rings went too far towards the crispy end, losing some of the charm. This is part of the problem with the more a delicate batter - they require a precise execution to preserve quality. 

The underdone onions made them just a little hard. They weren't quite raw, but certainly not fully cooked, which made for a curious sensation when biting into the onion rings. There were absolutely on instances of slippage, likely because of the undercooked onions. This problem persisted even among the more well-done rings, making me suspect that the onions were cut slightly too thick to work properly. 

Value: 4/5

For $6.95, I received six inches of onion rings, an unusual though intriguing measurement, just slightly over $1 per inch. There were nine onion rings, making the price-per-ring significantly below the usual $1-per-ring usually seen for premium, handmade onion rings such as these. 

Though I had some quibbles with the taste and texture, they were generally tasty, particularly for the price, and quite filling, making a more than ample lunch on their own. 

Total: 14.5/20

Fife Lake Inn (Fife Lake, MI)

After almost a year-and-a-half of petty and arbitrary tyranny, enforced by executive orders, health mandates emanating from the Michigan Department of Health and Human Services (MDHHS), and other capricious means, the state of Michigan has finally started to approach something resembling freedom - or at least, meager steps towards a partial realization of freedom. 

Though eating inside of a restaurant was occasionally legal over the past year and a half (flip flopping back and forth numerous times), something about the experience was profoundly off. Disconnected from my fellow diners, separated by distance and masks, with limited menus and limited service ruling the day. As such, I had largely shelved my onion ring reviewing.

With a new dawn rising in the Wolverine State, I felt a sudden surge of inspiration, adrenaline, and creativity that had long laid dormant inside my disquieted soul. After a refreshing dispersed camping trip on the banks of the Manistee River with The Wife, we decided to stop for lunch in the charming village of Fife Lake. 

My eyes scanned the menu eagerly, daring to dream, until finally discovering that which I had long yearned for: onion rings. 

Here is a review of onion rings from the Fife Lake Inn in Fife Lake, Michigan. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Owing to a burgeoning health kick, I decided to forgo ordering an entirely separate order of onion rings with my meal, instead opting to upgrade it as a side As such, the onion rings arrived plated with my meal, slid between a pickle spear and a partially constructed pulled pork sandwich. The rings were arranged in a tasteful mound on the plain white plate, and varied widely in size. 

The relatively uniform coating usually makes me think the onion rings are frozen, as did the consistent and pleasant golden brown coloring. However, the darkened bits interspersed throughout the batter, including some spectacular brown mountains of texture, does give me some pause. All in all, these are perfectly passable, though nothing spectacular. 

Taste: 3.5/5

Perhaps my palate was primed by a weekend surrounded by bodies of water, first at the Manistee River and now overlooking Fife Lake, but my immediate first thought on biting into these onion rings was simply "wet." 

My first bite, into one of the smaller rings, brought an impressive burst of wet onion juices. The onions were clearly cooked well, if a bit overdone, as much of the onion flavor resided in juice and grease rather than in the actual onion interior. Instead, the onions added a pleasant, almost buttery burst of flavor to the juice and the batter.

While I was initially unimpressed with the batter, it slowly grew on me. The batter is well salted, providing sufficient savory flavor to balance with the almost overpowering onslaught of the slightly sweetened onion. Ultimately, these onion rings have a good taste, but lack the depth of flavor necessary for truly excellent rings. 

Texture: 4/5 

While the softened onions gave the onion rings an immense amount of onion flavor, the resulting wetness hurt their texture somewhat. Most importantly, I believe it contributed to occasional slippage throughout the dish, leaving a thin and hollow casing of batter where a wriggling worm of onion once resided. 

The batter is something of a marvel. It is simultaneously crunchy, soft, and structurally sound, which is something of an impossible trinity in the vast world of onion ring reviews, much like the significantly less complicated (and less relevant) impossible trinity in international monetary economics. 

Moreover, the batter, absent the semi-frequent slippage, works beautifully with the onion. When combined, the two practically melt on the tongue, swirling together into a perplexing menagerie, the likes of which are rarely seen. 

Value: 4/5

Typically, I gauge the value of onion rings based on their à la carte price. However, as these were a side, the price was significantly less, merely $2.99 for a satisfying side to my sandwich. The onion rings were fresh, fairly tasty, and not too expensive. 

Though I'm still not convinced if these were frozen rings one way or the other (this batter is almost too good for this to be the case), I think they're a strong value either way. 

Total: 15/20

A Tale of Two Restaurants: The Onion Ring Standard Exemplified

 Long-time readers should be familiar with my maxim of the Onion Ring Standard. It's one of the first things I wrote when starting on this grand journey, and it's the guiding philosophy for why I do this. In short, you can judge the quality of a restaurant by the quality of the onion rings they make, serving as a proxy for any number of things. 

In the past four years, I haven't seen it fail. 

On my recent whistlestop tour of Mackinac Island to celebrate my first anniversary with The Wife, I took the opportunity to sample the island's onion rings. In addition to posting my reviews here on Sola Cepa, I also post a somewhat truncated version on Google Maps. 

Though it is rare, restaurant owners and/or staff have occasionally replied to these reviews. Two of the eateries I reviewed on Mackinac Island, Cannonball Inn & Catering and Ice House BBQ, happened to do so. The responses to these reviews, in addition to the onion rings themselves, help to illustrate the strength and utility of the Onion Ring Standard. I'll address them in turn. 

Cannonball Inn & Catering was, simply put, awful. The onion rings were clearly frozen, poorly and inconsistently prepared, completely tasteless, and with a texture so abominable that I wasn't sure it counted as food. I go into more depth in the review, linked above, but you get the idea. They were bad. Ergo, following the Onion Ring Standard, the values could be easily translated to the restaurant itself. 

That is, Cannonball Inn & Catering as a whole probably used mostly frozen ingredients, put no time, effort, or care into preparing it, and took advantage of being the only restaurant on the entire north side of Mackinac Island to serve garbage. 

I think the response from the owner, and the attitude it represents, helps explain why. Here's what they said on Google Maps (see screenshot below): "Sorry you didn't enjoy, after reading your novel I have come to the conclusion that you need psychiatric help. Enjoy your time on the island."

A similar response awaited me on a Facebook review (see screenshot below): "Once again I will reiterate that after reading your 5 chapter Novel about the onion rings I think you need help."

Just as the onion rings revealed that Cannonball Inn was cheap, tasteless, and poorly prepared, the review responses reveal a lot about the restaurant owners and management. In response to a negative review, their first instincts were to:

1. Insult the customer;
2. Imply someone who doesn't like their food needs psychiatric help;
3. Demonstrate that they don't know what a novel is, since they think 600 words constitutes a "5 chapter novel;"
4. Double-down when presented with the opportunity to do so. 

That response tells me a few things. First, they care so little about the food that they're baffled when somebody reviews it in earnest. Second, their management style eschews even the appearance of introspection, instead lashing out in anger when someone doesn't like it. Lastly, they have an enormous amount of arrogance and no humility. 

In a sense, the response helps further explain just why the onion rings were so terrible. 

Ice House BBQ, on the other hand, was a pleasant change of pace. The onion rings were clearly hand breaded (with Panko) and hand-cut, thoughtfully prepared, and pleasantly seasoned. Served with a house-made unique dipping sauce, the onion rings said loud and clear that this is a restaurant that cares enough to make things by hand, to pay attention when they prepare things, and to put actual thought into their menu and recipes. 

Like with Cannonball, the owner's response helps explain why (see screenshot below): "5-stars for this review! Your entertaining and educational recount of Ice House BBQ onion ring experience kept us on the edge of our seats 'til the very end. Thank you for sharing your unbiased expertise as well as any exceptional talent for storytelling." 

Since I know someone is probably thinking it, I'm not just singling out this review for their flattery of my prowess. Instead, I want to emphasize how this reinforces the onion ring quality of Ice House BBQ. 

When encountered with a positive and passionate review, they responded in kind. Rather than a simple "Thanks!" or "Glad you enjoyed!", they took the time and forethought to point our particulars from the review, and (at least on the surface) showed a genuine appreciation for my taking the time to earnestly review their food. 

That tells me a few things, like:

1. Ownership and management sincerely care about putting out quality food;
2. They pay attention to their reviews enough to respond within a day or so of my posting it, meaning they're open to feedback and want to continually improve; 
3. They have a good enough understanding of hospitality and customer service to care about how they respond to even the most casual reviews, and how that might come across to anyone reading their Google Maps page;

As with Cannonball, the response of Ice House BBQ helps to explain why the onion rings were good. They were made by people who care, take pride in their work, and want to genuinely provide a good experience to their customers. 

It's a tale of two onion rings. If you were biking across Mackinac Island, and all you knew was the response to my reviews, which place would you go to? Which place would you think has better onion rings? 

I know my pick. 

Sola Cepa. 

Pink Pony (Mackinac Island, Michigan)

This marks the fifth and final entry in the one-year anniversary onion ring extravaganza on Mackinac Island. The Wife and I stayed at the Chippewa Hotel, on recommendation from from Sola Cepa superfans (you know who you are). Though conveniently located and well appointed, the one downside was fighting through literal throngs of people who wanted to eat at the Pink Pony (located on the first floor) any time we wanted to go in or out of the hotel. 

The smart move, which is what we did, is just to wait until the last ferry leaves Mackinac Island and then go when there was no line or wait. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Pink Pony on Mackinac Island. 

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

Purpose-built onion ring delivery mechanisms are rare, but a delight to see. The sleek stainless steel container has a bit too much empty space at the bottom, but the towering collection of onion rings rising to the heavens makes for an impressive sight - with the curved rod zigzagging up for about a foot. I'm more impressed by the specialized space in the plating for the two dipping sauces - an Asian sriracha sauce and a habanero honey BBQ sauce. 

Though billed as "Gourmet Onion Rings," they strike me as a fairly standard, as thick-cut onion rings go. Panko breaded, which seems to be a theme on the island, they are well coated, though with patchy bits throughout. They have a reasonably good consistency in size, and the color is a bit of a dull golden brown. 

In short, the onion rings themselves are good, if nothing special, but the plating demonstrates great care of, and appreciation for, this noble food. 

Taste: 4.5/5

The onion taste is pronounced and strong here. They are juicy, but not too greasy. The flavor is bold, but not overpowering. Likewise, the Panko breading is well salted and seasoned, something that I've found is rare for most breaded onion rings. Though "gourmet" might be a stretch, they are obviously hand-breaded, well-prepared, and cohesive. 

Both of the dipping sauces intrigued me, as neither fit the standard dipping fare for onion rings. The Asian Sriracha sauce was pleasantly spicy, and gave new depth to the onion rings when dipped. The habanero honey BBQ sauce, however, was the standout star.  Here, the habanero honey BBQ sauce brings some of the most well-rounded flavors I've encountered in a dipping sauce. The BBQ base serves as fertile ground for the sweet honey to ebb and flow, with bits and hits of the spicy habanero swirling among them all. 

My other culinary passion, beyond onion rings, is spicy food, and rarely have I seen the two meet. Here, with both sauces giving complementary spicy flavors, I may have found a new dimension of sweet lady Allium that I've never seen before. 

Texture: 3/5

With onion rings, there's a delicate balancing act with the taste and texture of the onion. To a certain point, the more the onion is fried, the more juices are released, and the more pronounced the onion flavor. There's a risk, however, of going too far, and letting the onion dissolve into  a watery vaguely-onion-tasting gruel. 

These onion rings don't go quite that far, but they did sacrifice some stability and texture of the onion in exchange for the strong onion flavor. They are wet, juicy, and just a little overdone. Consequently, slippage is a major issue, an almost inevitable side effect of onions cooked even slightly longer than optimal. The Panko breading is crunchy and oddly smooth, with enough give to bend slightly. Usually, flexible breading mediates the scourge of slippage, but not so here. 

Value: 4.5/5

At a price tag of $12 for 8 large rings, these would be outrageous were it not for the standard Mackinac Island surcharge. The menu bills it as "enough for two," which may be true, given the size, though it's a bit of a stretch. The hand-breaded rings, the customized presentation, and two delicious house made sauces make this a strong bang for your buck, especially on an island as devoid of good onion rings as Mackinac is. 

Total: 16/20

Ice House BBQ (Mackinac Island, Michigan)

 Welcome to the fourth entry in the Mackinac Island onion ring review extravaganza. Prior to this anniversary trip, I hadn't been to the island since I was a child on our annual family trips. As such, there were a lot of things I didn't anticipate, including the benefits of being on an island with no motor vehicles while bar hopping, the staggering beauty of a night sky with almost no light pollution while sitting on a rocky beach, and the horrible, horrible wait times. 

Some of this is, no doubt, a direct result of one of Governor Gretchen Whitmer's many petty executive orders limiting restaurant capacity, though more could be attributed to it being a nice weekend in August. In any case, by the time we made our way to Ice House BBQ, we were literally unable to get a table before they closed. Thankfully, they had an operating takeout window (surrounded by oddly unused seating) so I could check another step in the onion ring checklist off. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Ice House BBQ. 

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

As could be reasonably expected from any takeout, the presentation isn't exactly wowing. Though a combination of draconian executive orders limiting restaurant capacity, the usual busy nature of Mackinac Island, and my own inability to plan ahead with a reservation makes this somewhat explainable. The rings are thrown together haphazardly in a black takeout container, a to-go cup of the dipping sauce balanced betwixt. 

The rings themselves are pretty varied in size (though perhaps a bit too small to fit the advertised "colossal" size) and very clearly hand breaded with what looks to be Panko. Despite the hand-breading, they're actually fairly well covered and consistent, though the coating is not perfect. The color is a beautiful and almost archetypal golden brown, though there are some darkened bits around the edges. 

I also ate this sitting on a rapidly cooling stone bench in Marquette Park but, again, that's on me. 

Taste: 4.5/5

I've often found that breading tends to have a weaker flavor than batter, as a general rule. That said, this breading packs a pretty good taste, with happy mediums of both salt and grease shimmering across and throughout. The onions, though on the small side, are cooked well - just long and hot enough to release the liquid gold that is the onion juices without letting the onion disintegrate. 

The superstar of this dish, however, is the cinnamon-chipotle dipping sauce. I'm increasingly jaded when it comes to onion ring dipping sauce - with most restaurants cycling through a familiar menagerie of ranch, "southwest" or "zesty" sauce, and the occasional disgusting spurt of ketchup. This dipping sauce, contrasting the pedestrian and familiar, is literally mind blowing and game changing. 

It has flavors I have never even fathomed going with onion rings - an intoxicating mayo-based blend of spicy, sweet, and creamy. It soothes and mildly scorches the tongue in tandem, with an invigorating mixture. It even accomplishes the rare task of perfectly complementing, and not overpowering in any way, the flavors of the breading and the onion. This sauce was purpose built for these onion rings in some fantastic mixture of art, science, and divine inspiration. 

Texture: 4/5

The Panko breading holds up well and maintains a respectable thickness throughout, without being too crunchy. One advantage of breadcrumbs over batter is the tendency for the breading to hold together under tooth-based assault, and this tends to be the case. Indeed, even as I cracked the rings to fit into the diminishing cinnamon-chipotle sauce container, they held firm. Though the onions seemed to be on the smaller side, they were softened just enough, thick, and meatier than I first thought. 

For its merits, there was a not-insignificant amount of slippage for the amount of rings represented. My wife, against my protest, attributed this to "user error" on my part. The slippage incidence was much less than I'd expect from a breaded ring, a point in favor of preparation and execution. 

Value: 4/5

Value is a tricky thing to determine on Mackinac Island. Were these onion rings good? Yes. Were they worth a whopping $15? In some respects, perhaps. Prices are naturally higher on Mackinac, hitting a trifecta of a secluded island, with heavy tourism, and all transportation by horse, and I'd expect to pay half to two-thirds of the amount for comparable rings on the mainland. 

However, after suffering through the frozen garbage that passes for onion rings on most of Mackinac, these were a treat and a delight. 

Total: 16/20

Cannonball Inn & Catering (Mackinac Island, Michigan)

Welcome to the third entry in the Sola Cepa one-year anniversary Mackinac Island onion ring extravaganza. Mackinac Island, though relatively small, is mostly unsettled parkland. Most of the actual things (hotels, houses, restaurants, the docks, etc.) are concentrated in the town on the south end of the island. As The Wife and I biked around the island one sunny Saturday (a necessary activity on any trip to Mackinac), I plotted out a stop at the only place to eat while circumnavigating the island. 

Situated about halfway around the island, the place is a natural stop. I should have kept pedaling. 

Here is a review of onion rings from Cannonball Inn & Catering on Mackinac Island. 

Presentation and Appearance: (3/5)

In a first (so far) for the island, these onion rings are *not* the exact same frozen mishmash from Brew City. They are served in a brown patterned cardboard container - a slight cut above from plain coloration - though without the near-ubiquitous wax paper beneath. They are served in a large pile bulging out from the container. 

Though I suspect the onion rings may still be frozen, they're enough variation in the batter to make me doubt it - as cracks and crevices are mottled throughout the rings. The rings are also inconsistently sized - and varying in color from a pale golden brown to a darkened copper. At first glance, this indicates an inconsistent fry time - possibly two separate batches combined. All told, they look fairly inoffensive. 

Taste: (0/5)

Beyond a thin veneer of grease, these onion rings had literally no flavor whatsoever. There was no seasoning, a completely bland batter, and even the onions tasted like a mushy, flavorless paste - the type of bland sludge I imagine they would serve on an interstellar voyage in a dystopian future. The best comparison I can make for the taste of these onion rings is a particularly bland variety of cardboard, surrounding a ring of moistened paper. 

Even after biking for a few miles, and having worked up something of an appetite in the process, these onion rings did absolutely nothing for me. They provided no flavor, no sustenance, and no joy. I could feel anger building as I tried to shovel them down before wisely abandoning the prospect - though remained intrigued by a food that offered less flavor than a particularly white piece of iceberg lettuce. For the first time in my entire time writing review of onion rings, I was literally unable to finish eating them.

Texture: (0.5/5)

In another feat of onion ring engineering, these onion rings had a texture that was simultaneously overcooked and cold. The batter was much too crunchy, and it felt more like gnawing through a hunk of wood than biting into an onion ring. Though the coloration would suggest not every onion ring would be overcooked, they were. They were also dry, sans the previously mentioned veneer of grease. 

I suspect that the overcooking was what led to the complete removal of any sense of flavor from the onion, though there was a hint of texture remaining. Though heated to within an inch of its existence, the onion interior was bizarrely cold. Given the wait time, I had assumed these were made to order, but the only possible explanation I can have for them being freezing and overcooked simultaneously is that they had waited in a bin somewhere for an hour or two before I arrived. 

Value: (2.5/5)

Despite the complete absence of flavor and the almost inedible texture, both which I suspect were brought about by an excessive cook time, I still think these onion rings are a pretty good value. The whole basket was $4.50, an astronomically low price for Mackinac Island - probably equivalent to a $2 thing of frozen, poorly prepared onion rings on the mainland. My high evaluation of the value no doubt partially stems from the absurd prices for other frozen rings back in town. 

That said, they were close to inedible, I couldn't bring myself to finish them, and they are a memory best buried. 

Total: (6/20)

UPDATE: I received the following notice from the owner in response to this review (posted on Google Maps): "Sorry you didn't enjoy, after reading your novel I have come to the conclusion that you need psychiatric help. Enjoy your time on the island."