Chili's (Chain)

I know what you're thinking. Why, after a ten month absence, would I come back with, of all things, Chili's? There are a number of factors that led to its selection, including Season 2, Episode 1 of The Office ("The Dundies," which takes place in a Chili's), Season 2, Episode 7 of The Office ("The Client," which also takes place partially in a Chili's, or "the new golf course" and features an Awesome Blossom), and its unique blend of of ubiquity and mediocrity.

Though a relic of a bygone era, its cultural impact continues to echo throughout the strip malls of American suburbia, all the more relevant in an increasingly urbanized world.

Here's a review of Awesome Blossom Petals from Chili's. Welcome back.

Presentation and Appearance: 4/5

In a twist on the prevailing norm the onion petals arrive in a metal box (or possibly an ineffective cheese grater), which is itself on an oversized square plate. The box is just the right size to contain the volume of the petals, overflowing every so slightly. A delicate sprinkle of what I can only assume to be a proprietary blend of Chili's seasoning coats the top layer, perhaps providing an extra boost of flavor. The accompanying "Blossom sauce" rests in a standard ramekin, albeit with some leakage reaching over the rim.

The petals themselves are fairly evenly coated and with a golden brown crust in appearance. A handful of petals deeper into the basket had bare onion showing, or a blended together batter, but overall, they looked meaty and robust.

Taste: 1.5/5 

In a perfect metaphor for the Chili's experience, and many of the dominant chain restaurants around the nation, the strong appearance of the onion petals served only to mask the lifeless chunks of onion hiding within a bland batter. Though the petals are thick, they lack onion juice. Though the batter is brown and all encompassing, its thickness masks a moist and bland interior. Though greasy, there's no hint of onion taste, leaving me to marvel in horror at its source.

The bits of Chili's proprietary seasoning blend were only sprinkled on the top few petals, and served to add little more than a bare hint of flavor, tricking me for a brief moment into thinking there was flavor.

The sauce is the closest thing to a highlight in this dish. Rather than the standard sides of Southwestern sauce or ranch, the Blossom sauce has a strong taste of horseradish. Unfortunately, as is always the case with bland onion rings and related products, the petals serve as nothing more than a vehicle to shovel the sauce into my mouth, eschewing even further the concept of nutritional value or satisfaction.

Texture: 1/5

Though my foray into the world of onion rings has taken a brief leave of absence throughout the bulk of 2019, the issues have not changed. Slippage, my mortal foe, has been hiding deep in the weeds, waiting for my eventual return to strike. And strike it did, with a vengeance. On nearly every bite of every petal I ate, the onions squeezed out from the batter like a greasy, oversized sunflower seed, leaving an unappealing shell in its wake.

The onion interior is too big, and the batter, though thick, can't seem to contain it. There's hardly a hint of a crisp in the batter, and the mouthfeel is more like an onion cake, sweetened with sawdust and bound with earwig honey.

Value: 1.5/5

For my metal box of onion petals, I paid $6.99. For the sheer quantity of onion flesh, lessened substantially by the pivot of a petal rather than a ring shape, it's hideously overpriced. In every possible sense, these Awesome Blossom Petals are a perfect metaphor for Chili's. Through strong in appearance and presentation, they are bland, tasteless, overpriced, and poorly executed. The closest they approach flavor is through the dipping sauce, which serves only to mask the deficiencies of every other part of the dish.

Total: 8/20

Eaton Pub and Grille (Charlotte, MI)

This review is a radical departure from the norm for Sola Cepa. Today, for the first time, I'm reviewing something that is not an onion ring. "What!??," you cry out, "But this is Sola Cepa! How could you possibly review something that isn't an onion ring?"

Calm down, dear reader. Sola Cepa, after all, merely means "onion alone," not "onion RINGS alone." While onion rings are my bread and butter, there are other fried onion concoctions and variations, remarkably similar to an onion ring in all but shape, that can still be subjected to an onion (ring) standard.

That said, Sola Cepa's first review of onion petals, from the Eaton Pub and Grille, follows.

Presentation and Appearance: 3.5/5

Since I'm a busy man (ignoring the fact I devote hours of my life to reviewing onion rings,) I got these onion petals to go. As a result, the presentation isn't stellar. The petals (and the dipping sauce) are shoved into a box just barely big enough to fit them, unceremoniously heaped into a pile together.

The appearance of these onion petals is a departure from the norm (for onion rings, at least.) They resemble a classic pub style of breading and batter; irregular, varied, inconsistent, and not especially "pretty," which I don't think is a problem here.

Altogether, the petals look pretty appetizing, even if the to-go box presentation isn't the best.

Taste: 4/5

Once you get past the odd appearance, the onion petals are, essentially, just a slightly different onion ring. My first cautious bite revealed a bold onion flavor. Like many of the best onion rings, the onion was lightly sweated before being battered and fried, which helps bring out the onion flavor.

That first bite also revealed the oddly sticky taste of the petals, almost like a microscopic coating of syrup was poured over every petal. At the same time, my bites went through clean, with only the occasional slippage. In some ways, they reminded me of a zesty fry moreso than an onion ring.

Some grease was present, but it wasn't excessive. The batter itself wasn't tremendously well seasoned, but the accompanying zesty dipping sauce improved the taste dramatically, complementing the already present flavors of the onion.

Texture: 3/5

As already mentioned above, the onion petals were ever so slightly sticky. With the stickiness came a still satisfying crunch, but a bit of a softer one. It was more like eating a glazed piece of meat than a crunchy onion ring.

The breading bloomed well beyond the onion. Each of the onion pieces in the petals was probably bigger, and thicker, than the average onion ring, but it came with increase irregularity in size and shape. Moreover, the breading ballooned well beyond the onion. While the petals all seemed fairly big and thick from the outside, a lot of that size stemmed from a hollow corridor between the onion and the breading. In effect, you end up eating a lot of air with the petals.

The occasional slippage also detracted from the texture score, especially given the relatively small size of the petals compared to a standard onion ring.

Value: 2.5/5

This fairly large box of onion petals cost $6.99, a fearsome price. While they're fairly good quality in taste and texture, and massive in quantity, the steep price tag is a little daunting. In my opinion, it's worth two or three dollars less than what it costs.

Total: 13/20